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I'm confused by the math. OP said originally the party was to be for 10 people, mother invited 4 extra people, sil ended up being in town, and the party ended up being 22 people.
It sounds like the OP was actually more concerned about appearances. The pool had been neglected for 3 yrs as well as the backyard. They used the term "ghetto eyesore".
They mentioned money was tight, if you haven't used the pool in 3yrs, than fill it in.
Pool hadn't been used in 3 years because we are coming off the heels of one of the worst recessions in this country's history and being in the construction trades for a vocation, we are on the front lines of that, small recovery that is finally beginning to occur. Pool repair, last on the list, when one is simply trying to hang onto their house, these last several years.
This doesn't sound like not wanting too many people, I get the feeling they don't budget their money well.
See above. Budgeting monies, has been how we have survived the last few years, and fixing a pool, not on the top of the list.
They spent more than they could afford getting the backyard up to normal looking to impress the guests or avoid the embarrassment, and so they could only afford to host so many people, even if it is just BBQ food.
Avoid embarrassment, not to make appearances. This was a matter that only local folks that are a part of the baby's life were intended originally. Those that live local, know the disrepair that our b'yard/pool had fallen into. It wouldn't of been a surprise to them. But it also would've been embarrassing to me, as the host, to hold a function here, and that is what is viewable, from the screen room, where most congregated.
So rather than say to family/friends we need help in supplying food or we need to limit the number of guest because we just spent a ton of money on the pool/backyard, they went with we just want to keep it small excuse.
We did just that. I supplied the meat/burgers/hot dogs, the baked beans, and canned sodas. Others brought things such as slaw, potato salad, tea, paper products, decorations, etc. This was never solely about the expense, it was partly, but not completely about expense.
As one poster suggested, you should have just held it at a local park.
Answered in another post. We live in the state of FL, and the heat and humidity in this state, this time of year, can reach the humiture of over 100 degrees, not a comfortable setting, at all. At least in the use of my home, (small home, 1700 sq ft), .. there is a/c to come into if its too warm, and a pool to swim in, if one so wishes, and some did. A public park wouldn't of offered those amenities where I live.
The OP hasn't come out and said that in so many words, but if money was tight you couldn't maintain the pool, you decide to host a party, you spend maybe more than you planned on getting the pool/ backyard up to par, now they find they can't host more than 10 people.
Hosting more than 10 people. The number "10" comes from the factor that if only the locals had come, which had been my intention all along, .. that would've equaled 10 people.
The problem I had was when my mother then added more people to that agenda by inviting my brother, and his wife, which in turn then necessitated the invite to extend to my father, and his wife, as well as now, the ensuing may lay over the other brother that now was excluded. Money was a factor, but it was never the only factor.
I'm confused by the math. OP said originally the party was to be for 10 people, mother invited 4 extra people, sil ended up being in town, and the party ended up being 22 people.
List would've included, were it left alone: (all live local)
Maternal g'parents, 2 people
Paternal g'parents, 2 people
Paternal great g'parents, 2 people
Maternal g'grandmother, 1 person
Paternal g'grandmother, 1 person
Parents, 2 people
Aunt, 1 person
Above = 11 people, not the 10 previously mentioned.
Baby's mother invited some family from TN, family that is really all but estranged, and have shown no interest in the child (child's paternal great grandmother, .. as well as the baby's other grandfather and company from that end, these people have shown no interest in the child, have never met her .. but the mother of the baby felt it best to extend an invite anyway, thinking none of them would come anyway, they've shown no previous interest at all, but they did, 2 of the 4 anyway).
Baby's great g'mother from TN came, 1 add'l person
Baby's uncle from TN came, 1 add'l person
The above had not been part of the original discussion but my daughter, the mother of this baby is doing what she can to mend fences on that side of the family with her husband's family members, and so thought maybe extending an invite to folks who have previously shown no interest in meeting the baby might be a good will gesture that would go far. Thus the 2 add'l people, that came from out of state.
My sil also happened to be coming, at the same time this party was to take place, from Chicago. She comes periodically to check up on her mother, and her well being, one of the aged great g'parents. So she was included now.
Sil from Chicago, 1 add'l person
My mother invited my brother and his g'friend, which is what this beef has been about, even though that had not been asked of her to do. Further, the beef that she wanted me to invite the other brother and his wife.
Brother and his g'friend, 2 add'l people
Because my brother is closer to my dad than am I, .. and they talk, (my dad also lives local and is a great grandfather that lives local, but has essentially shown little interest in the child, nor the daughter of mine, thru the years, who is the mother of this baby), and because I thought that my father, might get wind of this event, and now be upset that he hadn't been included. Now got an invite
My dad and his wife, 2 add'l people
My husband, the maternal g'father the one who did all the work to restore the pool and the b'yard, .. thought it best to invite his cousin (I disagreed on this point, but lost that battle). His cousin, is his hunting buddy from another state, and he hunts on his cousin's land, and so he has promised his cousin that when/if he ever gets the pool up and running again, .. he will be certain to let his cousin know so that he can come and enjoy the pool. After husband having worked his backside off to restore our b'yard I didn't have the heart to tell him his hunting buddy can't come, his cousin.
Cousin and his g'friend/son, 3 add'l people
Baby's aunt that lives here in the hh and already accounted for, wanted her b'friend to be able to attend. He works all the time, and has rarely had occasion to be on the scene when there is a family event, and she wanted the ability to have him meet her family.
Daughter's b'friend, 1 add'l person
There you have it, the explanation for how it went from 10 (actually 11 people) which is what was originally my intent, to the 22 people that did attend. And had my mom had her way, it would've been the other brother and his wife, and they have two kids, that would've ben an add'l 4 people.
I'm beyond disbelief at the pure pettiness of this. Obviously several of these folks went to great time and expense to come and celebrate this baby's birth. I'm shocked that your joy was railroaded by the expense of a few more burgers....There has got to be more to this story because your animosity is so off the chart given the situation.
so, time to get over all this stuff. Thanksgiving will be here before you know it.
How about you write the angry brother a note and just say this whole party got out of hand and you mistakenly tried to keep it small and as people got wind of it, it just grew. Apologize and be sweet: "You know you are my favorite red-headed (or whatever is unique about him) brother and I sure hope this blows over and we can have many happy time together in the future."
Then, just move on....
Thanks WorldKlas. I have spoken to my brother and his wife this evening, (the slighted ones). Their only beef, it turns out, had been as they watched this thing grow and grow (we talk regularly, we're close, always have been), ... they wondered, where was their invite, and had they done something that had somehow angered us, and we weren't telling them.
Of course they've done nothing wrong. And they were told that. I apologized, as you said above, that the thing grew out of hand, as word spread, and that were I to have had my way, in it all, it would've been the original small gig I wanted it to be.
They completely understood, and felt horrible that I am now put I a position of having to "justify" to anyone in all of this, what my intentions were for a party at my house, for my grand-daughter. They are fine.
I don't think they "were fine", I think their concern was more in whether or not the slight meant that they had somehow done something to anger me or my husband, and wracking their brain as to what they might've done, that we weren't confronting them with.
Once they were assured that wasn't the case, at all, and that we have no problem with them, whatsoever, never have. It was just a matter that it was an effort to keep this small. They were fine, and felt bad for me that I'd been put in this position to have to now "justify" my wishes for the bday.
The expense was obviously a factor, but not the only factor. As was previously noted, it had been my intention to keep it small/simple, this is a 1 year old's birthday, they don't care who is there. It could've been a more pleasurable experience for everyone involved had it been able to be what I intended, a more intimate gathering with just those local, those who see her regularly. Expense wasn't the only motivator.
As to planting new grass, that was something that needed to be done, and for years, .. and no need to invite everyone to a party here, and have an unsightly place in which to hold it. And we live in FL, .. to go rent a park somewhere, .. with the oppressive heat/humidity, and nowhere to go to cool off, would not have been a good setting. We have our home, small that it is, but at least there is a/c to duck in out of the heat, and a pool for those that wanted to swim, and some did.
I understand what you're saying about the grass, but your family should have been your priority. I think your mother "gets it." Every year I have a Halloween party for the neighborhood kids and every year more and more people show up that I don't even know. I'm of the opinion that everyone is welcome whether I know them or not. Nobody in a close family should ever be left out of any family gathering. Just as no child should be on the outside looking in. It's hurtful and just plain wrong. If you couldn't handle including everyone and you knew that it would cause bad feelings amongst other family members then why even bother having the party? Did you really expect the party to remain a secret after the event as well? So and so will ask so and so why they weren't there. I think of families as a single unit. Which limb would you cut off of your body to make room for the rest of you in a tiny box? Obviously you'd find a bigger box. You can't treat loved ones that are part of that one big unit like they're an inconvenience. They are part of the bigger picture and should be treated like such. I wouldn't treat a stranger like you treated your family. Sorry love but it's my opinion that you were wrong. The grass could have waited. If I waited for my house to be finished to have my party I would have missed out on a decade of fun. Nobody cares if everything isn't picture perfect. It's all about the fun and food.
You are wrong because once the cat was out of the bag, you should have invited the other brother and his wife so they wouldn't have been the only ones left out. That was pretty hurtful.
There came a point where you needed to accept that your dream for a small event was done. By holding on to the illusion that you could still control it somehow, you hurt your brother needlessly. At that point 2 extra people were not going to make a difference.
If anything you could have asked your family to contribute (bring some food, etc) to make up somewhat for the extra expense.
You are wrong because once the cat was out of the bag, you should have invited the other brother and his wife so they wouldn't have been the only ones left out. That was pretty hurtful.
There came a point where you needed to accept that your dream for a small event was done. By holding on to the illusion that you could still control it somehow, you hurt your brother needlessly. At that point 2 extra people were not going to make a difference.
If anything you could have asked your family to contribute (bring some food, etc) to make up somewhat for the extra expense.
I've been duly chastised numerous times by my mother
I think your mother is an overbearing assclown.
I would have taken her to task the minute I knew she had invited my brother, and then told him, "No, I'm broke, I can only afford to have just grands here this time, nothing personal."
In retrospect, I suggest you distance yourself from your mother. She has way too much access to your life at this stage of the game. You're a grandmother, for God's sake. Tell your mother to butt out.
I'm beyond disbelief at the pure pettiness of this. Obviously several of these folks went to great time and expense to come and celebrate this baby's birth. I'm shocked that your joy was railroaded by the expense of a few more burgers....There has got to be more to this story because your animosity is so off the chart given the situation.
Bingo. Earlier in the thread, it sounded like the mother was responsible for enlarging the party from 10 all the way up to 22 people. Then when I asked about the math, we learned tht mom only invited TWO extra people. Ok, ok, it wasn't mom's place to invite ANY extra people, but as JanND said in the quote above, there has got to be more to this story. OP can't possibly be that upset at having to provide two extra burgers.
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