Attention seeking sibling makes me feel guilty! ADVICE (talks, person, wedding)

[Llacey85]

I feel so guilty for feeling like this but I really can't stand my sister and her attention seeking behaviour. Since we were kids she has always been dramatic and made herself the centre of attention and she will always find a way to make everything about her no matter what the occasion. She is very demanding and quite bullyish and as im quite a laid back, placid person ive kind of let her be that way.
She got divorced recently after being married for less than a year- the guy was a complete waster who works in the City on a high salary that he spent mainly on drugs, cheated on her, lied to her and made her miserable. They have been separated for nearly eighteen months now yet she sometimes acts like it happened yesterday.
It was our oldest childhood friends wedding this weekend which I was bridesmaid for. She sobbed her way through the ceremony then made such a scene crying and having basically a melt down outside that the brides mother was checking she was okay. She was then saying she couldn't cope at the reception and would stay in her room the rest of the night as she couldn't face it. She had various people checking on her, counselling her and spending time in her room when they should have been enjoying my friends special day. She does a similar thing at other occasions like birthdays, at Christmas time, any occasion there are couples. People are constantly asking me is she ok, how is she, poor her etc when actually she can be very demanding, bullyish, cruel and unthoughtful to others and doesn't warrant so much sympathy at times.
I counsel her on an almost daily basis about this, reassure her, reinforce how much better she is without him. I've given her so much support and sympathy and time and energy but I feel she does nothing to help herself. She also has no time or interest in me or my life. And The problem is, these dramatic episodes are so selective- today she is absolutely fine like the melt down yesterday never even happened.
I am not saying that a divorce is not excruciatingly painful and obviously a wedding is going to be hard. But is it not a bit much to be having such a dramatic and self involved reaction? I am single and have been through a messy break up too so I do understand her pain but am I wrong for feeling like she has to try and make everything about her all the time? Am I harsh or unsympathetic? How do I deal with these feelings of such deep dislike towards her?

[Amisi]

I have a sister like that. I've cut her off completely and haven't spoken to her in many, many years. I don't like her and don't need her insanity in my life.

[willow wind]

Your sister is a drama queen. Drama queens need an audience- stop being her audience.

Do not counsel her every day- you're only reinforcing and enabling her behavior. When she acts up -ignore her. Let her learn that attention seeking behavior does not work- at least with you. It will take time because she has trained you to respond to her in this manner.

You're not responsible for how others behave toward her. You can control how you respond. If she's doing one of her routines in public or at a family gatherings, ignore her, ignore how other people are reacting to her. Keep the conversation going, keep doing whatever a activities that were going on. In other words, don't let her be in charge.

[angelenogirl]

My mother makes every situation about her. If she feels she's not getting enough attention, she will make a scene or fall ill. She used to get Christmas cards from the local EMTs/firefighters, because she'd call them so much during these episodes of needing major attention (i.e. would not agree to be driven to a doctor for shortness of breath; had to be taken to a hospital via ambulance every time). Some people just can't handle not being the constant and sole focus.

It's exhausting work dealing with these people. I wish you luck, and agree that you should stop feeding the beast!

[HighFlyingBird]

Oh man I can feel your pain. No, you are not harsh, she is riding it for all its worth. I agree, ignore the attention seeking behavior, stop letting her lean on you for attention and consoling. It wil take time but she will find someone else to latch on to

[Hedgehog_Mom]

My mother is like that, every event has to be about her. She'll come to my child's birthday party and then start complaining that she feels ignored or left out when we do something like sing happy birthday to my kid. Lately she has been too mad to show up to family events and that's been fine with me.

You should suggest to your sister that she go to counseling. Use her behavior at the friend's wedding as an example of why you're so worried about your sister, and how you really think she needs some professional help to get over her marriage. Then every time she starts up with the drama and the scenes, ask her quietly if she's seen someone yet, and tell her that you're so worried about her.

[Tracysherm]

Sounds like the drama queen at work that I'm sure I posted about before. Everyone has to walk on eggshells because any little thing might remind her of some "trauma" she's been through.

She had a couple of miscarriages a few years ago before having a healthy baby. But to this day if anyone talks about a miscarriage, she gasps, and rushes out of the room (meaning someone is supposed to go after her to see what's wrong.)
She used to do this before she had her baby, whenever anyone mentioned a baby in any context. But now she had to give that up since (unfortunately for her drama) she had a healthy baby.

But she also has a conflictual relationship with her mom, so if anyone talks about something happy involving their mother, she suddenly gets upset and leaves the room to cry, again expecting someone to follow her to make sure she's okay, because we should all know better that to talk about having a good relationship with our mothers.

You never know when you might mention something that will set her off, crying and running out, always expecting someone to follow her and comfort her. And it's nearly always when someone is happy about something or celebrating something. She can't tolerate someone else getting positive attention for being happy, so she had to "demand" attention for being upset.

[Inkpoe]

Oh gosh, if my sister acted like that at a wedding, I would've told her to get her big butt home. Who needs that mess at a wedding? That poor bride.

OP, you're too sympathetic and your sister is abusing it. Not a wonder you'd feel resentment. Change your expectations and stop catering to your sister. It doesn't do either of you any good.

[Miss Hepburn]

First thing is first...take advantage of all my therapy sessions...
"No one can make you feel anything."

My mom used to say I made her feel like an invalid waiting on her...
ego...pride... just weeks before she passed, amazing to observe... I digress.

I said, "Mom, I don't have the power to make you feel anything ...and if
I did, I would make you feel happy!"

She was stumped by that.

[fallingwater]

Yep, she's a drama queen and this has been probably going on since she was a small child. I agree, stop enabling her. I understand dealing with types like that are mentally exhausting but you need to distance yourself for your own sanity.