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Before we go any further, I'm going to take your word for it - you are not relying on them for any support, or to bail you out of bad financial situations, are you?
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QUOTE...."I started thinking about this and how much it bothered me now that I'm in therapy. It's something that upsets me and something I don't want to wait a second longer to change."
If you actually ARE in therapy why are you coming to this site and asking people who aren't professionally qualified to give you advice? Seems a little strange.....
If you actually ARE in therapy why are you coming to this site and asking people who aren't professionally qualified to give you advice? Seems a little strange.....
Same reason everyone posts on this site...
Extra opinions ...
As long as your supporting yourself then I don't see an issue. They may be jealous that you get to "live the life" but so what? Just because you don't have a miserable job to b**** about and slave at 9-5pm, doesn't mean you don't know how to work AND it doesn't mean their work is anymore important. Heck you maybe smarter than everyone else - instead of looking to retirement before you enjoy your life, you're doing it now!
I feel like my family doesn't respect me because I don't work hard, at least, in their eyes. I started thinking about this and how much it bothered me now that I'm in therapy. It's something that upsets me and something I don't want to wait a second longer to change.
My parents always instilled the importance of work, but as a teen I never held down any jobs. I was too busy playing sports and chasing boys and was too busy running the roads to be anywhere too long. In college I spent four years in a different city and never worked because I was busy with studying and my social life. Lived off my scholarship and loan money. Got a job a few weeks before graduating, my second job. The first was my sophomore year of college but I walked out after three days because I realized cashiering wasn't for me. Plus, like I said, busy with school.
These days I have my CPA and work part time like crazy during tax season helping a friend at one of her offices. But during the year I don't work a normal 30 to 40 hour week. I do wedding planning and it's work I honestly enjoy doing because it's flexible. I only assist two weddings at a time so when I'm not doing that I like sleeping late and doing hobbies I enjoy. I have no debt and I stay active.
According to my parents and other family members, I don't work hard and never have. They think I have never worked hard and that I am a bit lazy. It's true... and the older I get, the lazier I get! I justdo as little as I have to. However, they don't respect me. My parents don't, my grandparents, and my brother and sister. I love them dearly but it's like I am never allowed to have an opinion on anything. My parents still treat me like a child, even in my own home! I dont want to cut them out of my life. I have been reading that thread thats a bit below mine, the toxic person thread and I like the retrain idea! I want to do it. I really want to change how they respond to me. But I worry about how I can do it. I try not to be a pushover but when I have tried standing up for myself in the past it has only made things worse.
It's funny because my parents think what makes a true adult is not an age but when that person is self supporting and has a job. I have both yet they think I am lazy, don't know real work and that the real world will one day smack me in the face. Meanwhile I am 31 years old and have been on my own for quite sometime.
I want respect from them, not sure how to get it. I feel like I have earned respect by always respecting them in their homes. But I am also tired of their rude comments, unwanted opinions, ad being the scapegoat. I want to know how to change this... today. What should I do? I want to try fixing things before I just cut them out. I want to have a happy thanksgiving, drama free, negative opinion free. What can I do? I really need help and guidance.
First, let me tell you that my sister is very much like yours. When I was younger and sought parental approval, she would side with me about certain life style choices, then, when it suited her needs, turn on me.
Second, I do not see anything wrong with your life style, and your accomplishments are well above average, when one considers the achievements of the general population. You are a CPA and, that tells me that you have a bachelors degree at the very least. Right there, you are better educated than over 70% of the US population. That is certainly something about which you should be proud!
I have a relative who is also a CPA. Her husband works full time, and she works during tax season. She has two school aged children. That is typical of people in that profession.
Third, you have a second business as a wedding planner. I think that's very enterprising! I'll wager that you really enjoy your avocation.
So, you are a self supporting professional with two businesses. How and when you work is really not any of your families business. If would become their business only if you were asking them for money. Which you say that you are not. However, even if that were the case, they should not be treating you that way.
You have every right to be able to interact with your family, free of rude comments, insulting or sarcastic behavior or criticism.
Who is the head of your family? The social director, so to speak. In many families, it is the mom. Would it be possible for you to tell her that you are proud of your accomplishments and happy with your life.
While you are looking forward to seeing them, you are hurt by the negative comments and unsolicited advice. Ask if it would be possible for her to ask the others to refrain from this behavior on Thanksgiving and at other times. Tell her that it has gotten to the point that it is hurtful and cruel.
You can tell her that you will come for the meal, but if the verbal abuse begins, you will leave. Have an escape plan. A movie. Or a friend who you can meet at a chain restaurant (they're always open) for desert and coffee or a fancy drink. In other words, be prepared to cut the visit short.
Inform your mom that you will be leaving if there is any criticism. And be ready to do it.
Last, I would suggest that you find a good therapist. All of this negativity has had to have an impact. He or she will be better able to help you to cope with your difficult family. What they are doing is not normal or healthy.
Always keep in mind that we teach people how to treat us by what we permit.
Best of luck to you, and please let us know how things turn out.
PS - I did not read the entire thread. I am glad that you are already in therapy.
I understand what you're going through. When I graduated college, the job market was dismal. It didn't help to hear stories about people graduating Summa *** Laude and only being able to find a job bagging groceries. When I set out to find a job, the best I could do was a part-time job that paid slightly more than minimum wage. It took 6 months before I got a permanent full-time job. The whole time my parents complained---even though I never asked them for money. They hated that I made so little. My father kept telling me to go work for the government---even though the government wasn't hiring at the time. The job I had was unionized and a co-worker tried to get my husband and me on the local executive board. My father basically said "So what? When are you going to make more money?"
When my younger brother graduated HS, he didn't want to go to college. Instead, he got a job in the supply department of a hospital. My mother derided his job and said he was "counting p**s pots all day.
I felt alone like I was the only one who had parents who put down their kids' jobs. Then one of my friends told me that with every job she had, her mother would criticize her because it wasn't a union job.
When my daughter decided to quit college and work, she worked as a hotel maid, then later a nursing home assistant. My husband and I didn't deride her. We figured that at least she was doing honest work and was supporting herself.
That's what your parents need to understand---you are doing honest work and are supporting yourself. It would be one thing if you were living in a hovel and eating ramen noodles in the dark. From your description, you are doing well without any need for financial assistance from them.
Be firm. Let them know that you are happy with the way your life is now and are happy to be employed. Remind them of all the people out there who can't find work and whose unemployment has run out. Ask them would they rather you be in that dire situation? Then let them know that you don't want to hear them put your jobs down---and stay firm with that. If you are visiting them and they start in, tell them you are leaving to go home---and do it.
But yield who will to their separation
My object in living is to unite
My avocation and my vocation
As my two eyes make one in sight
Only where love and need are one
And the work is play for mortal stakes
Is the deed every really done
For Heaven and the future's sakes
Interpreting that in deciding on your career, instead of trying to find a good job that will pay your cost of living and the cost of your avocation, focus instead on your avocation, and find a way to earn a living from it.
I feel like my family doesn't respect me because I don't work hard, at least, in their eyes. I started thinking about this and how much it bothered me now that I'm in therapy. It's something that upsets me and something I don't want to wait a second longer to change.
My parents always instilled the importance of work, but as a teen I never held down any jobs. I was too busy playing sports and chasing boys and was too busy running the roads to be anywhere too long. In college I spent four years in a different city and never worked because I was busy with studying and my social life. Lived off my scholarship and loan money. Got a job a few weeks before graduating, my second job. The first was my sophomore year of college but I walked out after three days because I realized cashiering wasn't for me. Plus, like I said, busy with school.
These days I have my CPA and work part time like crazy during tax season helping a friend at one of her offices. But during the year I don't work a normal 30 to 40 hour week. I do wedding planning and it's work I honestly enjoy doing because it's flexible. I only assist two weddings at a time so when I'm not doing that I like sleeping late and doing hobbies I enjoy. I have no debt and I stay active.
According to my parents and other family members, I don't work hard and never have. They think I have never worked hard and that I am a bit lazy. It's true... and the older I get, the lazier I get! I justdo as little as I have to. However, they don't respect me. My parents don't, my grandparents, and my brother and sister. I love them dearly but it's like I am never allowed to have an opinion on anything. My parents still treat me like a child, even in my own home! I dont want to cut them out of my life. I have been reading that thread thats a bit below mine, the toxic person thread and I like the retrain idea! I want to do it. I really want to change how they respond to me. But I worry about how I can do it. I try not to be a pushover but when I have tried standing up for myself in the past it has only made things worse.
It's funny because my parents think what makes a true adult is not an age but when that person is self supporting and has a job. I have both yet they think I am lazy, don't know real work and that the real world will one day smack me in the face. Meanwhile I am 31 years old and have been on my own for quite sometime.
I want respect from them, not sure how to get it. I feel like I have earned respect by always respecting them in their homes. But I am also tired of their rude comments, unwanted opinions, ad being the scapegoat. I want to know how to change this... today. What should I do? I want to try fixing things before I just cut them out. I want to have a happy thanksgiving, drama free, negative opinion free. What can I do? I really need help and guidance.
Sometimes people with like this you can't discuss things with them without them getting defensive or interrupting you and putting you down. I recommend you calmly write each of them a letter. It can say basically the same information, but write each of them a letter and explain your accomplishments and how you don't like them criticizing you. You are leading an honorable life and if it isn't up to their liking, they need to keep it to themselves and no longer share that attitude with you, because you find it very hurtful. You are happy the way you lead your life.
Send them each a letter by postal mail. Don't e-mail it, because it will get some quick reply. Postal mail makes is harder for people to ignore the letter and they can't quickly reply back to you like e-mail. They also can't easily ignore/delete it like e-mail.
After the postal letters have arrived don't contact any of them unless they contact you for around 3 days. I don't know how often you see them. Let your words sink in. Some people, even those with narcissistic personality disorders will finally realize you are not going to tolerate their abusive behavior. You don't really care if they change their attitudes, but they need to not say those hurtful things to you.
I'm very sorry you have to go through this, it is not fun, and it's really terrible to get this from your own family. A have friends who teach and they are sick of people they know talking to them like they have it super easy and don't work hard, when in reality it's a very hard job in different ways.
I know you don't want to loose contact with them, but seriously, if they continue to be toxic towards you I'm afraid for your own mental health you aren't going to have a limit your contact with them. I wish you success!
I, for one, would like to know the secret to paying off student loans, being debt free, and being self-supporting and living independently while working only part-time jobs.
Quote:
Originally Posted by patty mayonnaise
It's funny because my parents think what makes a true adult is not an age but when that person is self supporting and has a job. I have both yet they think I am lazy, don't know real work and that the real world will one day smack me in the face. Meanwhile I am 31 years old and have been on my own for quite sometime.
Mostly agree with your parents on this especially when it's by choice (there are exceptions for those who are unable to work or are actively looking for work).
I, for one, would like to know the secret to paying off student loans, being debt free, and being self-supporting and living independently while working only part-time jobs.
Mostly agree with your parents on this especially when it's by choice (there are exceptions for those who are unable to work or are actively looking for work).
I thought of that too. Also, who helped pay living expenses while getting that education? Parents perhaps? If that's the case, maybe the parents feel that the OP isn't getting all their money's worth. But if the parents/family has no investment in that education, then they really don't have much to complain about & should butt out. It's the OP's life, not theirs.
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