Non-defensive way to answer: "When are you going to have a baby?" (husband, person)

[LemonZinger321]

Hi All. With all the holiday gatherings that are going to be coming up for me in the next few weeks, I was hoping to get some opinions/suggestions on this. I am already starting to stress.

Some background: My husband and I have been married for almost 2 years now. I have been trying to get pregnant for a while, but unfortunately it is just not happening. We do not know why. I am seeing an endocrinologist to try to find some answers. We want to start our family in the worst way and we are very upset that things are not falling into place.

With all that being said, here is the problem: I do not know what to say when family members (mostly some cousins, an aunt and a family-friend...not everybody) come up to us at family gatherings and flat out ask us "When are you having a baby", or "Why aren't you pregnant yet?"...sometimes in a room full of people. Personally, I feel this is an extremely rude and intrusive thing to ask a couple. I feel the reasons as to why a couple do or do not have a baby are a private matter and really no one else's business.

Last year when people asked me this question, I just laughed it off and said something like "eventually", because I really did not think I would have trouble getting pregnant. (Just a note: We would have liked to start trying for a baby on our honeymoon, but I had just started a new job and wanted to wait 6 months so that I would be able to qualify for maternity leave once the baby was born.)

This year, I feel we are going to be a bit more sensitive to these kinds of questions because of how sad we are that I am still not pregnant yet. Also, I do not feel like it is anyone else's business to know that I am seeing a specialist for this issue. We really do not understand ourselves why I am not getting pregnant, and I would like to know that first before letting anyone else in on what is going on. We really were hoping I would be pregnant by now and we are upset that I am not. I feel like when people ask us these questions, it is going to be hard to come up with an appropriate answer.

My question is: Has anyone else had this happen to them? What did you do/say to people? I am really looking for a nice, but direct way to let people know that I do not want to discuss it, or to please stop asking.

Thank you for any advice. Also, I am not sure if this is the correct forum for this kind of question. So, please let me know if it should be moved.

Thanks again!

[HighFlyingBird]

I'm sorry you are struggling. I've been there. It can be super emotional and the last thing you need is pressure

Depending on your family dynamics there are a few ways to go about it that come to mind

Direct: a mass email just being honest that it hasn't happened, you are feeling sad and don't want to talk about it at all....at all (cause if people are nosey you might get "advice" and stories)

Indirect: ask a family member to let people know, no reasons why, it's not a topic for discussion

Passive: "eventually" "when it's time" "enjoying just being married now"

Best of luck figuring all of this out and fingers crossed for your wishes to come true soon

[LemonZinger321]

^^Thank you.

[WorldKlas]

laugh and say "when they come potty trained"

[BirdieBelle]

I have one side of the in-law family who asks tactless questions, and I understand why you're anticipating this.

How to answer depends on who asks and how they ask.

If it's a relative who means no harm and doesn't know you're suffering from infertility issues, then you could have your mom tell them in advance so the "public moment" doesn't happen. Or if they do corner you in the kitchen, you could just say quietly and directly, "I appreciate your asking. We aren't sure why, and that's really all I want to say about it."

If, however, it's a clueless type of boor, and they have the gall to ask why you "aren't pregnant yet," I absolutely would answer in kind: "We're having infertility issues. Any other questions?" Then keep looking them dead in the eye. If they persist, keep answering with flatness, "It's really a personal issue that I don't want to go into." In fact, you worded it perfectly in your post: "I feel the reasons as to why a couple do or do not have a baby are a private matter and really no one else's business." Then change the subject or just move.

I would not send out a mass email only because SOME relatives will be like, "Why do I need to know this??"


Don't worry about being "non-defensive" because if someone asks why you haven't done something "yet," it's judgmental and assumes that you should have done "it" by now.

It's not easy, but when you become a parent, you will have to become an EXPERT at setting boundaries. Might as well practice now.

[LemonZinger321]

^^ Such great advice. Thank you! Thank you so much.

[HighFlyingBird]

That's a good point it might be tmi in some families, some might be ok...depending on the openness and closeness of the family. We we struggled, I was very guarded about it but when I opened up some I found I wasn't at all alone and got lots of extended family support

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird

That's a good point it might be tmi in some families, some might be ok...depending on the openness and closeness of the family. We we struggled, I was very guarded about it but when I opened up some I found I wasn't at all alone and got lots of extended family support

Yeah, "knowing your audience," so to speak, is important. And sometimes you do find support where you least expect it.

I also think that if it does come up, instead of being upset and defensive as if you have done something wrong, keep in mind that the other person (if they persist) is the one in the wrong.

You state the facts that you want known, and then you direct the conversation elsewhere.

[crazyme4878]

If you are brave and sassy enough: "I don't know, maybe we're doing it wrong--would you like to sit in on a session to double check? "

Or my favorite way to deal with insensitive brutes: just stare at them like they grew two heads, then turn away.

[sweetana3]

If you know your family members are religious, you can simply say "when the Lord gives one to us and we don't know what his plans are for us yet." Or something similiar. If they persist, tell them to pray about it.