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I understand the positive benefits you have received out of the relationship, but fail to see any benefits she has received.
It's not pleasant either to be around someone so controlling (What gives you the right to choose her facebook friends? It's none of your business.) and who feels they have the right to decide what she is allowed to say to others. She has a right to be honest to others about how she feels and you certainly don't seem to care about her feelings, only your own. That's the way your posts come across to me anyway.
well thank god you are in the minority then. I fail to see what benefits I have gained from someone that talks constantly about me behind my back. Yes, she has the freedom to say whatever she wants, but if someone has a problem with a person then the MATURE thing to do is talk to that person. After all, I can't fix it if I don't know what the situation is. Also, talking about me to our own MUTUAL friends, especially a girl that I was dating at the time only puts people in an awkward situation.
As for the facebook friends, she added my friends that I had a falling out with. I told her about it and like someone has already said earlier, she's allowed to have whoever for facebook friends, but I don't see how that shows much loyalty. If I was to add people that she had an issue with, she would be livid. I know this, but I don't know why its not ok for me, but ok for her to do.
I have already talked to her once about her behavior and I even changed my own to accomodate her and that was 2 years ago. I have seen no change in her behavior towards me at all since then. Also, i have always been willing to help her, she just doesn not ask. Last year, she told me that every person has a purpose and she uses them for that purpose. Maybe its a good thing thay she doesnt call me then.
Last edited by SoundNinia; 12-24-2014 at 01:24 AM..
Your sister is a narcissist. You will not get what you are looking for in "family" from her. Not ever.
You can try a casual limited contact relationship but they often abuse that and hoover you in with some kind of false hook, then go for the kill. Normal people have difficulty not being pulled in, because we don't get how narcissists can be the way they are.
You will never ever get loyalty. She is telling you all about who she is with her admission that she only uses people. They are tools to her and you are one of them.
Ever consider your sister is growing to become just like your mother?
My SIL was really a cute nice young girl but grew to become the same bitter person her mother was.
OK, it's time to grow up and stop the wishful thinking: "I wish I was close to my sister. I wish my sister cared about me. I wish my sister was a completely different person, who was warm and caring."
She's your sister, not your mother.
I know you are desperately clinging to your sister as one of the last remnants of your family, but the sad truth is that your family is gone. It happens, and it's sad -- but it doesn't need to define your life. It's time for you to start thinking about the kind of person you might want to establish your own family with, down the road -- but before you do, I'd strongly suggest some counseling, in order to help you get a handle on these abandonment issues you seem to be struggling with. Stop projecting your own issues on your sister, and stop expecting her to be something she's not.
I'm sorry. I know it's a rough realization, especially around the holidays. But you aren't going to make any emotional progress towards happier, healthier relationships until you can look at your sister clearly for what she is.
In our 30s...but how does PTSD, explain the being mad at me and running and telling everyone our business when she gets mad? I mean, I know people talk to others, but when you start telling people that we are mutual friends with, then to me, that's a problem.
The following link is a good resource to use to help in understanding PTSD. She is obviously expressing deep anger directed towards you. Perhaps she subconsciously hopes your mutual friends abandon you because she may feel as though that is what took place in your home when you were young. Just a thought. I don't blame you for wanting to leave your household at all but she may feel you left her to be hurt. Have mercy and try to get to the root of the problem. Friends come and go...FB is not reality. At the end of the day you can take this opportunity (as painful as it is) and form a strong bond with your sister. You both made it...in different ways but you are both survivors! Go get professional help an try to ignore the fact she is ruining your personal life. Your reaction is adding fuel to the fire. Hugs! Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA
OK, it's time to grow up and stop the wishful thinking: "I wish I was close to my sister. I wish my sister cared about me. I wish my sister was a completely different person, who was warm and caring."
She's your sister, not your mother.
I know you are desperately clinging to your sister as one of the last remnants of your family, but the sad truth is that your family is gone. It happens, and it's sad -- but it doesn't need to define your life. It's time for you to start thinking about the kind of person you might want to establish your own family with, down the road -- but before you do, I'd strongly suggest some counseling, in order to help you get a handle on these abandonment issues you seem to be struggling with. Stop projecting your own issues on your sister, and stop expecting her to be something she's not.
I'm sorry. I know it's a rough realization, especially around the holidays. But you aren't going to make any emotional progress towards happier, healthier relationships until you can look at your sister clearly for what she is.
Absolutely. You both come from a dysfunctional background, and it's more than just having an "evil" mom. I agree that mental illness is hereditary, and your sister was damaged/influenced by all the years she spent with her. I think your expectations about family are unrealistic given the background you come from. You need to accept your sister EXACTLY as she is, and not try and make her into something she is not. She is not going to morph into the great sister you want, and that is something you are going to have to learn to deal with.
No, it's not fair. But that is reality. I come from a dysfunctional, abusive family as well. I know the desire to have that family bond, but sometimes, it is not to be. My best advice for you is to focus on finding a mate, and create in her (and your future children) the family you always wanted to have.
First and foremost, I would like to thank each and everyone of you for posting. I took each post into consideration and thought long and hard about what I would do.
After careful consideration, I decided to not confront my sister on what she had said before, it was at least a year ago the last time and this only will make me look petty and like I am trying to start an argument on Christmas, however, this does not mean that I will be having a relationship with her like I want. I have come to the realization that you guys are right. She does not display emotion like what I would consider to be a "normal person" and all the years that she has spent with our mother certainly did not help. I really do want the best with her, but she has a lot of anger and bitterness built up over a multitude of things and I cannot help her nor can I change her. It is like told me once, you have to make do with what you have. I think a relationship that is every "once in a while" will have to suffice. The expectation of that there will be more will only lead me down a pathway to ruin.
I did confront her about some other things though. When it came to the acquaintance or friend that I went on a date with, she told me that that's what I get for trying to f-bomb her friends. I told her that at my age(in my 30s now), I've sowed my wild oats...but that's the thing, she is still treating me like im 21. Anyways, I told her that I just wanted someone to meet and talk to since I have no friends and I get bored being in my apt all along (which I have told her multiple times already). After all, there is nothing wrong with that right? She told me no, but she said that her friends all have issues and if she was a guy that she would never sleep with them. Fair enough, but why didn't she warn me then if her friend has issues and/or was crazy? She told me that she considered it "none of her business". Maybe so, but she sure did have an opinion about it and she never let me on that she even knew about it, which to me gives me the feeling that she may have said something about me again to this girl.
She also complained about someone she knew and while her complaints are just(the person is very annoying). She has not done anything to me and my sister per se. We went to visit one of her friends and she told me that she was going to have a talk to her friend about her hanging out with this specific person. Taking some advice from here, I told her that unless that person did something to her friend, she really couldn't dictate who or who they couldn't have in their own house. Her justification was that people wanted to see her fiance(who works out of town) and if she has to share her time with him with her friends, then it should be with people that don't annoy her. I don't really see that as being logical but ok.
At this point, I am just glad that the holiday season is over. I will tone down my expectations because it is obvious that you guys are right and that she will never change.
Here is my question. Is your sister somebody you would want to be friends with if you weren't related?
My brother does a lot of the same things. It finally came to me about 4 years ago that he (and his family) aren't people I would ever be friends with. I would never choose to interact with them and only did because they are "family". Well, they don't treat me like a family member, so why should I still try and keep in contact with them? I cut them out of my life and it was the best decision I've made.
Here is my question. Is your sister somebody you would want to be friends with if you weren't related?
My brother does a lot of the same things. It finally came to me about 4 years ago that he (and his family) aren't people I would ever be friends with. I would never choose to interact with them and only did because they are "family". Well, they don't treat me like a family member, so why should I still try and keep in contact with them? I cut them out of my life and it was the best decision I've made.
hi, thanks for responding..
I actually have seen that question posted before somewhere..and tbh after the user remark she has made, the fact that she is so distant, no I don't think that I would want to be friends with her. I will be moving in the near future and I am trying to decide if I should break it off permanently or just do like what someone else stated and call every once in a while.
I just want to add that I thought about the facebook thing as well.
While going through it, I saw that my family member was friends with people who have threatened to physically hurt me, made up stories about me, and she is even friends with one person that slept with my gf while we were together. She knows all of this and it is still kind of bothering. I can't control her behavior, but I can control mine. I think I will just delete fb and start over, without her this time.
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