Should I confront my sibling about this or let it go? (girlfriend, father)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My sister and I used to have a good relationship or so I thought. Growing up, we lived in the same house together, but we had to live with a abusive mother (who constantly physically and emotionally abused us) and a drunk stepdad(her father though). We have always had ups and downs, but now I am starting to doubt that she actually cares about me as her brother.
When I graduated high school, I got the hell out of the house as fast as I could, unfortunately, my sister never did and she was left to have to deal with our crazy mother who focused all of her rage on her. This created an issue between my sister and I as she felt "abandoned". Years later, when I tried to actually get her out of the house, she refused because by then my mom had told her if she left, then she would never be able to never come back. Over the years, I have suspected that it was more than just anger and that my sister does not like me, even as a person due to the brainwashing of our mother, who always did speak badly about me. Since she is younger than me, anytime I dated someone that we knew together, she would tell them that she did not want to hear it and she would get mad if people brought up me dating someone or intimate details about my relationships. I wanted to sow my wild oats so to speak and my sister looked down on me for it, calling me a player, dog, and a ho3.
Years later, we finally got that resolved or so I thought. I am older now and am only dating serious people. Our mother eventually died a few years ago and while messed up, I was overjoyed. She could never hurt us again. I thought it would actually bring us closer, but it never seemed to happen that way. I just warned my sister that I did not want to have to deal with anyone that acted like our mother again. In 2012, I stayed with her for almost a year, paying rent when I had several back problems. Some people said that I should not have had to, considering that I needed major back surgery and was paying 100s of $$$ for doctors, but I blew it off. In 2013, I did need someone to go with me to have the back surgery and she said she couldn't which prompted a fight, and during that fight, she said that all I wanted was a "pity party". Hard to swallow when someone is in constant pain all the time and can't help it. Well last year during the time of my surgery, I found out that she had went to a mutual friend of ours and told them that I needed to have a girlfriend, that it was not her responsiblity to "take care of me" due to health issues and that at my age, I should have already had my stuff together. That is messed up because she helps other people but for some reason, I feel like a burden. I also found out that after I moved out,she also told another person I knew that I ate up all her food(not true) and that I didn't wash dishes(I only washed what I used and cleaned up after myself).
And fast forward to now the end of 2014. I recently dated a girl that she knew and I figured that this would not be a bad thing, as she didn't warn me about this person or anything. I am thinking that things were cool between my sister and I and the times that she spoke badly about me were in anger only. Well the girl that I met ended up wasting my time and was playing games with me repeatedly. I was disappointed since I thought that since she knew my family that it would somehow be "different". One thing I did find out was that my sister found out we were dating. She never mentioned it or warned me about this girl which either means she knew and just didn't care or doesn't know her as well I thought she did.After that relationship tanked, I had this nagging feeling that was just bad and I went back to one of my exes and asked her if my sister had ever said anything bad about me. She told me that she did, in fact, it was all the time! When I asked her what she said, she told me that my sister had told her to NOT date me and that I was horrible person, that I had anger and control issues and that she could do better. When I asked her if she did this when she was angry, my ex said no, it was all the time and she eventually tuned her out. I was very hurt and disappointed because to me "horrible people" are rapists and murders, not family members that you don't like.Now this thing with my ex was 10 years ago mind you, but I just found out about it this year in 2014. I am pretty ticked off now, because I realized that my sister has basically been talking about me behind my back from 2004-present. It ticks me off because I NEVER say anything bad about her. If I have an issue, I just go straight to her.
Other things that she has done: Has friended people on facebook that I am no longer friends with in real life. I have told her how this affects and she just says that she doesn't talk to them..so why not delete them? She also added someone years ago that also tried to get me jumped. It's water under the bridge, but I don't want my sister to be friends with someone like that! She knows that I am alone and now have few friends(most moved away) and yet she never calls to check up on me or say hi, though I did this with her all the time. And finally today, 3 days before christmas, she has just informed me that we are NOT exchanging presents this year as she has to pay....house taxes. It sounds like the biggest bunch of BS that I have ever heard and I almost wanted to call her out on it. The reason that I haven't and that I let her get away with this, is that I will have NO ONE if I do this, it's only me and her and that's it. So what do I do? Should I confront her about this? She has no idea that I know.
tl;dr: Sister has been talking mess about me behind my back to mutual friends from 2004-present. Seems to have this anger/hate for me and I have no idea where it comes from, possibly our mother. Sister never calls or texts just to ask how I am, we could go months without talking. Told me tonight she is not getting me a present because she has to pay house taxes...Don't know what to do anymore. Should I confront her about her behavior?
She has PTSD from her abusive childhood and is angry at you for "abandoning" her. Spend your money on a couple of family therapy sessions. What is your ages?
She has PTSD from her abusive childhood and is angry at you for "abandoning" her. Spend your money on a couple of family therapy sessions. What is your ages?
In our 30s...but how does PTSD, explain the being mad at me and running and telling everyone our business when she gets mad? I mean, I know people talk to others, but when you start telling people that we are mutual friends with, then to me, that's a problem.
You need to confront her in the sense that you need to lay out whatever your boundaries and expectations are.
And disentangle yourself from her life as much as possible. By that I don't mean shut her completely out - I would remain polite and reach out to her occasionally (call her to check on her, send her a birthday card, that sort of thing) but I would definitely lower my expectations and my involvement. She is messed up. You can't fix her. All you can do is fix yourself and your expectations of the relationship.
As for her talking smack about you behind your back - I'd confront her about that definitely and tell her in no uncertain terms that you don't appreciate her slandering you to others - that it always gets back to you and that unfortunately it does because people think SHE'S the one with a problem, and frankly you're embarrassed for her. If I were you, if you began dating a mutual friend, I'd probably let them in on the fact that she has some issues and that she's talked badly about you in the past to people you've dated - that way they're not caught off guard.
I don't understand the need for "confrontation". What will it solve, in this case? You aren't going to change her. You aren't happy. What needs to be "confronted"? What do you think will happen during the confrontation? She will magically melt into a sisterly puddle, apologize and realize that she has been a solid-gold b***h and suddenly turn into your best friend?
Not happening.
If she asks, then yes, certainly -- tell her honestly and calmly why you are disappointed in her. But she won't ask.
Who she is friends with on Facebook and in real life really isn't really any of your concern. She might have bad taste in friends -- but that's on her. Set your privacy settings to "Friends only" so that they can't see anything on your wall that she might post on. Why do you care what her friends think about you? You already know that her taste is suspect, anyway.
Maybe one of these years she'll seek counseling and will figure out why she is so angry at you. (PS: The dishes thing -- piously declaring that you always washed "your" dishes gives me a clue that perhaps you might have been treating her more like a roommate than a sister. I mean, did you ever occasionally just clean up the kitchen because you're a nice guy and were glad she was there for you? Think about it . . . )
It sounds as if you are very enmeshed with your sister. I am sorry she is so difficult, but putting good, clear boundaries and expectations in place would most likely help you to let go of past hurts and move on. it sounds as if your relationship with your sister is absorbing a tremendous amount of time and energy, both of which could be put to more productive use.
First, work on clarifying what's yours and what's hers. If she chooses to be Facebook friends with people you dislike or your former friends, that's her stuff and her right. If she's talking behind your back, take the high road and let your behavior speak for you - don't get involved in "I did...you didn't" stuff. As for relationships of a decade ago which you suspect she sabotaged, let it go. If the significant other of that time was so readily influenced by your sister to think ill of you, would you really want them in your life??
It's probably possible to have a civil, cordial relationship with your sister, if you limit your interaction with her to superficial things. No more codependence - if you get sick, hire someone to stay with you or ask friends or church members to do grocery and drugstore runs. Widen your circle of friends - Meet-Up members report good results - so you have more congenial people to hang out with. Do not spend long periods of time with your sister or get pulled into lengthy conversations with her.
You can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family, the old saw goes. But you CAN choose how you interact with your relatives and how much interaction there is.
Counseling would help you define the needed boundaries and learn good techniques for keeping them in place. Good luck to you.
She really needs time to work out her own stuff...if she can and will. Id suggest you do therapy on your own to try and help understand the damages you both went through
And finally today, 3 days before christmas, she has just informed me that we are NOT exchanging presents this year as she has to pay....house taxes. It sounds like the biggest bunch of BS that I have ever heard and I almost wanted to call her out on it. The reason that I haven't and that I let her get away with this, is that I will have NO ONE if I do this, it's only me and her and that's it. So what do I do? Should I confront her about this? She has no idea that I know.
tl;dr: Sister has been talking mess about me behind my back to mutual friends from 2004-present. Seems to have this anger/hate for me and I have no idea where it comes from, possibly our mother. Sister never calls or texts just to ask how I am, we could go months without talking. Told me tonight she is not getting me a present because she has to pay house taxes...Don't know what to do anymore. Should I confront her about her behavior?
I don't know why you're fooling yourself, you already have no one. Yes, your sister is there, but she's damaged goods and it doesn't appear she's interested in becoming healthy mentally/emotionally. Until she's interested in having a better relationship and seeking help for her issues, she's an albatross that you're entirely enmeshed with. You really need to change your expectations and start going your own way.
I understand the positive benefits you have received out of the relationship, but fail to see any benefits she has received.
It's not pleasant either to be around someone so controlling (What gives you the right to choose her facebook friends? It's none of your business.) and who feels they have the right to decide what she is allowed to say to others. She has a right to be honest to others about how she feels and you certainly don't seem to care about her feelings, only your own. That's the way your posts come across to me anyway.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
