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I think just about everyone is wrong here, and am rather shocked by people who would cut off a relative for a tactless remark. HomeIsWhere is the best so far.
To me, part of the problem is you - exemplified by the title of your post, on how to respond when "someone" offends you, as if you'd treat your grandmother the same what you'd treat a stranger on the street, or as if you put the same restrictions on a close relative as on a stranger.
Presumably, if you give it a moment's thought, you'd recognize that she's concerned about you. All you had to say was, "I'm sick, Grandma. That's why. It's called narcolepsy. I'm seeing a doctor and it's getting better."
Thank you! That's what I'll say. I just can't justify being rude to family when they have no intention of hurting me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by HomeIsWhere...
"You're so right 'grammy', prednisone (steroids) does that to people. Thanks for asking, I'm better now and working on it!"
Thank you!
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Originally Posted by SouthernBelleInUtah
"I can't imagine why you think it is appropriate or kind to say that to me."
I don't think folks think before they speak and are coming for a good place.
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Originally Posted by fluffythewondercat
You probably won't like my way of dealing with it.
First offense, I ignore it.
Second offense, I cut them out of my life. An apology is the only way they get back in, and even then it's on probation.
Example: My mother called me nine years ago. In the course of the conversation I told her I was getting married. She started laughing sarcastically. I counted to twenty (one one-hundred, two one-hundred...) and when she was still laughing I told her I had somewhere else to be and I'd talk to her later.
"Later" was about four months. That's how long it took her to figure it out and apologize.
I can't agree with you on this because if someone is talking to me about my weight it's usually from a good place. If they don't know that they offended me, then they'll never apologize.
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Originally Posted by 49ersfan27
First time I ignore them.
Second time I have a word with them.
Third time I completely cut them off.
I can see this working for me.
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Originally Posted by eureka1
I tell them what they did that was offensive and I use the word "offensive".
Thank you! I'll definitely use the word "offensive".
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Originally Posted by MordinSolus
Ask her why she let herself become a dusty old bag of ****.
Lol, my natural reaction is to say, "When I looked at pictures of you from 50 years ago, you were smaller. Why did you allow yourself to gain weight?"
Quote:
Originally Posted by blueherons
"Do you realize how mean, offensive, and inappropriate your comment to me is?"
If I can say this without an attitude then I will. When someone is offends me, I usually say something offensive back. But since most people aren't aware of their harsh words, then I try not to say offensive back.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint
This ^^^ And possibly add "It really hurt my feelings".
Thank you! I'll definitely mention that it hurt my feelings.
I disagree that relatives get to treat you worse than they would treat a non-relative. My family had this same philosophy, and they are cut off.
I learned that you need to have your own "rules." Which are boundaries, but the word "rule" works better for me. I have a rule that I don't allow people to be mean to me.
What I would do is say," I'm not going to talk about my weight. Was there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
The "rule" here being - you don't talk about your weight.
Then, you use the "broken record" technique.
"But, honey, I'm just so worried about you."
"I'm not going to talk about my weight. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
Rinse. Repeat.
If she won't let it go, say, "Okay, well, I'm not going to talk about my weight and you don't seem to want to talk about anything else, so I'm going to hang up now. Take care." Then hang up.
Just saying you won't talk about your weight is not offensive. So, there is still room here to have a relationship. If she just won't leave you alone, you'll have to just avoid her or cut her off.
What it sounds like your family does, is put you on the defensive. This is a power trip. Defending yourself in any manner by trying to explain your disease, even, will result in you feeling horrible, and them feeling superior. So, I highly suggest you don't even try anymore. Just remember your rule. And use the broken record technique. If they just won't respect it, like my family didn't, your only hope for peace and sanity is to stay away from them.
Oh, I love this idea. I think this is something I can do. I'd love to explain things to my family, but I fear that they are going to say things that hurt me. I will definitely use the "broken record" technique.
Pinkmani, I have several auto-immune problems and my mother always contended that if I didn't believe I had them they would go away. It didn't matter what I said, so I didn't say much. I took oral prednisone for many years, but dosage was every other day. I managed to control my weight, but it wasn't easy. When I stopped taking it, it was so wonderful not to be wanting to eat constantly. Had I gained weight, I'm sure I would have had a double whammy from my mother because she was rabidly against extra weight, yet my older brother was inclined to be overweight and when he came home from school, she had plenty of food all ready for him. If she ever said anything to him about it, I didn't hear it, but I'm sure she would have had it to say to me had I put on extra pounds.
People at support groups resented me because I didn't look sick, so I quit attending. The speakers always talked about the worse case scenarios anyway, so meetings were depressing.
I don't think anything would have caused my mother to not say anything and cutting off contact was not going to happen. I didn't have to see her a lot anyway, since we didn't live in same town.
I disagree that relatives get to treat you worse than they would treat a non-relative. My family had this same philosophy, and they are cut off.
I learned that you need to have your own "rules." Which are boundaries, but the word "rule" works better for me. I have a rule that I don't allow people to be mean to me.
What I would do is say," I'm not going to talk about my weight. Was there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
The "rule" here being - you don't talk about your weight.
Then, you use the "broken record" technique.
"But, honey, I'm just so worried about you."
"I'm not going to talk about my weight. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
Rinse. Repeat.
If she won't let it go, say, "Okay, well, I'm not going to talk about my weight and you don't seem to want to talk about anything else, so I'm going to hang up now. Take care." Then hang up.
Just saying you won't talk about your weight is not offensive. So, there is still room here to have a relationship. If she just won't leave you alone, you'll have to just avoid her or cut her off.
What it sounds like your family does, is put you on the defensive. This is a power trip. Defending yourself in any manner by trying to explain your disease, even, will result in you feeling horrible, and them feeling superior. So, I highly suggest you don't even try anymore. Just remember your rule. And use the broken record technique. If they just won't respect it, like my family didn't, your only hope for peace and sanity is to stay away from them.
I think you're setting it up wrongly, setting yourself up to be self-rightgeous, perhaps, by phrasing it as rejecting the idea of "relatives get to treat you worse."
I think it's more a matter of "relatives probably have better motives for criticism than strangers do" plus which, I don't know how you were brought up, but I was brought up to perhaps be a little more forbearing toward older people.
And I think you're nuts to imagine that a person will feel "horrible" by explaining the problem. I really can't imagine why on earth you'd think that. If I explain the problem, ideally it works out and they understand; if not, I get to feel satisfied that I've given it a fair shot.
I'll agree that the broken record technique will sometimes work, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here.
I disagree that relatives get to treat you worse than they would treat a non-relative. My family had this same philosophy, and they are cut off.
This. You don't choose what family you're born into but you do choose who you associate with.
I don't talk to my grandmother any more because all she does is ask for money to give to other relatives that use her to get money from me. When I started to refuse she became judgmental and annoying so that was that. She was there for me when I was growing up but I'm not a kid any more and I'm definitely not an ATM.
Now, what on earth would make you say such a thing to me? Then, be quiet.
or How exactly did you think that remark was going to make me feel? Then, zip it.
or
What kind of person says (asks) that?
or
You can't possibly be that clueless to not know that is a very hurtful thing to ask (say).
or
What did I do to make you ask/say such a thing to me?
Then, just look directly at them.
Make them stutter and stammer.
But, I do like the one mentioned..."I'm sick Grandma..."
I have the type of relatives that the OP has and, believe me, nothing will get through because they don't want to hear it. However, if anything is said, just say thank you for being concerned and I am working on my medical problems with a qualified doctor. If need be, have a few copies of information regarding your autoimmune disease, even though they probably will not read it. Sometimes you just have to let things go, especially if you see them very infrequently. I would not cut them off.
Just as an example: I lost my eyesight for 6 months due to a freak accident. My aunt kept telling me how lucky I was because she was starting to need glasses and she was concerned about her eyesight. I totally agreed with her, telling her that her needing glasses surely meant that her eye sight was much more serious than mine since I didn't have any. She never did get it.
I think you're setting it up wrongly, setting yourself up to be self-rightgeous, perhaps, by phrasing it as rejecting the idea of "relatives get to treat you worse."
I think it's more a matter of "relatives probably have better motives for criticism than strangers do" plus which, I don't know how you were brought up, but I was brought up to perhaps be a little more forbearing toward older people.
And I think you're nuts to imagine that a person will feel "horrible" by explaining the problem. I really can't imagine why on earth you'd think that. If I explain the problem, ideally it works out and they understand; if not, I get to feel satisfied that I've given it a fair shot.
I'll agree that the broken record technique will sometimes work, but that doesn't seem to be the issue here.
Criticism is criticism. Who cares what the motive is.
Perhaps you can't understand, because you didn't grow up in an abusive family. You are assuming you can reason with abusive people. In my family, trying to explain yourself (after an attack or criticism), never results in anything wonderful. It is guaranteed to result in a nonproductive, extremely uncomfortable event. Hence, feeling horrible.
I had one counselor explain it to me in one phrase that changed my life. You can't reason with unreasonable people.
So, don't even try. Any other attempt at explaining, or in any type of "comeback" simply puts you right where they want you - in a position of having to defend yourself or in an argument that you can't win. This usually includes being told that you are "too sensitive" when you ask them to quit being mean to you, in a situation where any sane person would also believe that the other person is being mean.
From my expensive training lessons, aka therapy, I learned that you're really best off just saying "I'm not going to talk about that." They will still probably try and suck you into an argument or a position of defending yourself, because that's what they do. But, it's your best chance at getting them to respect that boundary. If you tell them you'll hang up, walk away, drive away, etc., if they don't let it go, they can either let it go - or learn that you meant what you said.
But, as I say, there will be people who just don't understand the above. Hopefully, this means you were never involved in an abusive/dysfunctional relationship - and not that you are actually an abuser justifying your behavior.
Reminds me of my favorite Alice in Wonderful (Martin Short was the Mad Hatter). Someone says to Alice "you should cut your hair" and she responds with "Personal comments are rude." Before that I never really thought about it, was certainly not taught that but I can see that it is true.
Perhaps you can't understand, because you didn't grow up in an abusive family. You are assuming you can reason with abusive people. In my family, trying to explain yourself (after an attack or criticism), never results in anything wonderful. It is guaranteed to result in a nonproductive, extremely uncomfortable event. Hence, feeling horrible.
I had one counselor explain it to me in one phrase that changed my life. You can't reason with unreasonable people.
I'm going to needlepoint the above and frame it.
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