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I developed an autoimmune disease (narcolepsy) at age 15. When left untreated, it causes excessive weight gain. I've been losing weight and I will be seeing family again. Last month, my grandmother called me and said, "I was so shocked to see how big you got when we last saw one another. Why did you allow yourself to get so big? Why don't you get up off the couch and go to the gym?" *The last we saw one another was in 2013.
I tried to explain to her that I didn't allow myself to get big and that I have narcolepsy that was untreated for 6 years. But she, like most people that don't have an autoimmune disease didn't understand and still blamed me. Heck, my mother doesn't even understand and my father doesn't believe that I have it.
BOTTOM LINE: I know it wasn't intentional, but what are some ways to respond when someone offends you? Usually, I say something offensive back, but I don't feel it's appropriate to do that because (1) I know they didn't mean to offend me and (2) they're my family members.
You probably won't like my way of dealing with it.
First offense, I ignore it.
Second offense, I cut them out of my life. An apology is the only way they get back in, and even then it's on probation.
Example: My mother called me nine years ago. In the course of the conversation I told her I was getting married. She started laughing sarcastically. I counted to twenty (one one-hundred, two one-hundred...) and when she was still laughing I told her I had somewhere else to be and I'd talk to her later.
"Later" was about four months. That's how long it took her to figure it out and apologize.
I developed an autoimmune disease (narcolepsy) at age 15. When left untreated, it causes excessive weight gain. I've been losing weight and I will be seeing family again. Last month, my grandmother called me and said, "I was so shocked to see how big you got when we last saw one another. Why did you allow yourself to get so big? Why don't you get up off the couch and go to the gym?" *The last we saw one another was in 2013.
I tried to explain to her that I didn't allow myself to get big and that I have narcolepsy that was untreated for 6 years. But she, like most people that don't have an autoimmune disease didn't understand and still blamed me. Heck, my mother doesn't even understand and my father doesn't believe that I have it.
BOTTOM LINE: I know it wasn't intentional, but what are some ways to respond when someone offends you? Usually, I say something offensive back, but I don't feel it's appropriate to do that because (1) I know they didn't mean to offend me and (2) they're my family members.
"Do you realize how mean, offensive, and inappropriate your comment to me is?"
I think just about everyone is wrong here, and am rather shocked by people who would cut off a relative for a tactless remark. HomeIsWhere is the best so far.
To me, part of the problem is you - exemplified by the title of your post, on how to respond when "someone" offends you, as if you'd treat your grandmother the same what you'd treat a stranger on the street, or as if you put the same restrictions on a close relative as on a stranger.
Presumably, if you give it a moment's thought, you'd recognize that she's concerned about you. All you had to say was, "I'm sick, Grandma. That's why. It's called narcolepsy. I'm seeing a doctor and it's getting better."
I disagree that relatives get to treat you worse than they would treat a non-relative. My family had this same philosophy, and they are cut off.
I learned that you need to have your own "rules." Which are boundaries, but the word "rule" works better for me. I have a rule that I don't allow people to be mean to me.
What I would do is say," I'm not going to talk about my weight. Was there anything else you'd like to talk about?"
The "rule" here being - you don't talk about your weight.
Then, you use the "broken record" technique.
"But, honey, I'm just so worried about you."
"I'm not going to talk about my weight. Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
Rinse. Repeat.
If she won't let it go, say, "Okay, well, I'm not going to talk about my weight and you don't seem to want to talk about anything else, so I'm going to hang up now. Take care." Then hang up.
Just saying you won't talk about your weight is not offensive. So, there is still room here to have a relationship. If she just won't leave you alone, you'll have to just avoid her or cut her off.
What it sounds like your family does, is put you on the defensive. This is a power trip. Defending yourself in any manner by trying to explain your disease, even, will result in you feeling horrible, and them feeling superior. So, I highly suggest you don't even try anymore. Just remember your rule. And use the broken record technique. If they just won't respect it, like my family didn't, your only hope for peace and sanity is to stay away from them.
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