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Thanks. I actually have not asked my grandmother for several years because I realized, she didn't care to share that information. I asked one last time about 10-15 years ago and my uncle got involved and he was yelling. It was not like I was constantly asking her this question. I have only asked 3-4 times in the past twenty years. I remember asking when I was maybe about 8 or 10 and the last time I was 16.
If I meet them on my own I will not tell them about it.
My grandmother is super chatty but would mysteriously clam up when I asked about her father during my first forays into our genealogy. She even acted like she didn't know if it was him in family photos.
A cousin finally told me that my grandmother had been her dad's favorite, but he was an alcoholic and chronic adulterer. He died young, and my grandmother simply boxed up her memories of him and still won't go there.
I have found lots of info for the family tree about him online, though I leave the painful memories out of it.
My grandmother is super chatty but would mysteriously clam up when I asked about her father during my first forays into our genealogy. She even acted like she didn't know if it was him in family photos.
A cousin finally told me that my grandmother had been her dad's favorite, but he was an alcoholic and chronic adulterer. He died young, and my grandmother simply boxed up her memories of him and still won't go there.
I have found lots of info for the family tree about him online, though I leave the painful memories out of it.
Thank you so much. I know there is a reason as to why she refuses to speak about him, and I am by no means harassing her as some might suggest. I will leave my grandmother's family out of this. This will simply be for the information of my mother, brother and I.
Well that is a first. The desire to find out the identity of my biological grandfather, my mother's father is viewed as being selfish. Um, ok.
I don't find it selfish. But your grandmother - for whatever reason - is a dead end, and I would not keep going back to a dry well.
If your grandmother had had not children by this man, then it would be entirely her business, perhaps. But I think you and your mother have every reason to want to know, and to know.
Sometimes older people aren't hiding any hideous, gut-wrenching secret, they are simply protecting a set of values and prejudices that have fallen by the wayside in later times. I had a similar case in my family, my mother made a bizarrely hostile effort to brush aside a casual question about her mother's mother...though she no problems with discussing her grandmother. Many decades later her sister told me the "secret." My mother had stayed in a time warp about a great many things in life, and this was one that touched on one of those little obsessions of hers.
Well that is a first. The desire to find out the identity of my biological grandfather, my mother's father is viewed as being selfish. Um, ok.
I don't think your desire is selfish, but your grandmother doesn't want to tell you and there's nothing you can do about that. In fact, you need to be respectful of it. She may have been raped, or had an extramarital affair, or had sexual relations with a relative, or her sister's husband, or a servant, or the president of her country. Whatever it is, she doesn't want to talk about it.
What is your relationship like with her? If you're at all close, you could explain why you want to know and ask her to write it down for you to read after she passes. Also, are there other relatives her age still in the family? You could talk to them if it wouldn't offend your grandmother--rarely are such things a complete and total secret.
I don't think your desire is selfish, but your grandmother doesn't want to tell you and there's nothing you can do about that. In fact, you need to be respectful of it. She may have been raped, or had an extramarital affair, or had sexual relations with a relative, or her sister's husband, or a servant, or the president of her country. Whatever it is, she doesn't want to talk about it.
What is your relationship like with her? If you're at all close, you could explain why you want to know and ask her to write it down for you to read after she passes. Also, are there other relatives her age still in the family? You could talk to them if it wouldn't offend your grandmother--rarely are such things a complete and total secret.
I agree with you. And I have been respectful of her not wanting to share that with me. I have not asked in years. So I am finding other means to find out who he is/was. My grandmother raised me, but I would not consider us to be that close. Especially after I moved away once I was old enough to work. There are no other relatives in the family her age. She is 87 going on 88 now.
I have no advice but would like to commiserate. My dad has no idea who his father is - and it's a family trait. His mother did not know her own father, though she ended up with a step father who was a fantastic dad and grandfather. I wish I could have known him.
It bothers my dad a lot. He has gotten very into genealogy and I know it is difficult for him to not know who his father and grandfather are. His mom never liked to talk about that part of her life - she went on to have 3 more children (including as set of twins) with 2 different fathers. The other children were younger than my dad - one by more than a decade - so she was in a better position and more open with them about the circumstances of their birth. Because she was so tight lipped about my grandfather, we suspect some kind of rape or abuse.
My dad was born in the mid-50s when my grandmother was a teenager. My grandmother was born to a single teen mother herself in the 30s and we have learned that my great grandmother was sent to a "home" for unwed mothers and fought mightily to keep her daughter. We didn't know any of this until my grandmother passed - I wasn't close to her but I see her in a completely different light knowing how difficult it was to be raised by a single mother and then become a single mother herself in that time period.
For me, the most troubling thing is the big question mark in terms of health. My dad and I have some weird health issues that the other shares, but doctors have trouble pinpointing the source. I developed cancer in my late teens (diagnosed at 23) and there is no family history of any type of cancer - but I can't say that with any certainty. Would knowing more about my grandfather answer some questions? Maybe, maybe not. But having gone through so much so young, it would be nice to see what the future might look like! Especially since my other grandparents (and great grandparents!) were pretty healthy and long-lived. My dad's mom only passed away in her early 80s because she was a smoker her whole life.
Leave it ALONE!!! There is a reason she won't bring it up, what in the world is wrong with you? What a completely selfish reason to hurt your grandmother. Just because you want to know him?! Please get over yourself before you ruin your relationship with your family. Because they will not forgive you for doing this.
agree
leave the poor woman alone. who knows what trauma she has been through. time enough to find out after she is gone.
leave the poor woman alone. who knows what trauma she has been through. time enough to find out after she is gone.
I stated in another response that I haven't asked her anything in roughly 10-15 years. I have only asked a small handful of times in my entire life. I first asked when I was a small child.
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