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So after lots of therapy- I recently stopped, because it got expensive.
My therapist identified my main issue that causes me emotional distress is my family dynamic.
I live in a house by myself now and I love it. One hour away from parents.
I'm the older sibling, 30, and I have one younger sibling, 27, who still lives at home with parents.
I had to grow up fast in a sense. My mother always wanted me to appear perfect. Don't laugh that way, you look stupid. Don't eat that. It was always about how you looked to others. Yes, I had a childhood filled with fun and great family vacations, memories, and more. But as I got older, my mothers picking got into my head. I started censoring myself as a 12 year old girl. I was too afraid to look stupid so I didn't put myself out there. I didn't immerse myself in fun or freedom. I stayed where it was safe, near my mom all the time. I struggled making friends because I was terrified to converse with new people. I politely and responsibly waited for them to come to me. They never did. The ones who did, became my friends. When people did get to know me, they really liked me.
I was quiet. I judged others who weren't like us, as my mother did.
As I got older, I helped my mother care for sick older relatives. I was 16. I then also had to care for my younger sibling, while my mother was busy with her elderly family. I took my sibling to school, made sure homework was done, entertaining siblings friends, making dinners. I was the mom.
I then went to college. College was freedom. I was only responsible for myself. I loved that. I met some nice friends and some not so nice ones. I grew as an individual. At the end of the day, I grew more independent and realized I was capable of a lot. During my college time, my parents bought a new house they were going to fix up. My room to come home to was gone. I didn't have my own space. Neither did my sibling. I didn't feel like it was home.
I moved out for work and have been out on my own ever since.
My parents marriage and dynamic drains me. They fight. They don't communicate well. I try and appease both of them. I try to end the fighting. My dad is lazy and depressed and my mom is a slave.
It kills me. I've tried to fix it. But I can't. I always feel responsible for them. My therapist made me realize that I cannot take on their issues as my own.
I get jealous of my sibling. Not taking it on as I do. Why can't I just think of myself more?
I try to please people as I was taught as a child. I seek validation and praise for doing for others. Its unhealthy. It's woven it's way into romantic relationships. They have all failed.
I see my friends who focus on themselves and have happy lives. My family's dynamic is we do do do for one another no matter what. But it's a lot of pressure on me.
Again, I live one hour away.
Yesterday my mother had a surgery. We spoke about me coming down today to help in her recovery. My father and sibling won't take off time from work to help her. I had the time. I kept asking her, do you need me? She kept going back and forth very unsure. I call her this morning. She seems okay. Doesn't say she needs me or anything. So I stay home.
She calls asking where I am. I to her I stayed home. I was under the impression she was doing okay. She says she told me she needs me etc and she was expecting me to come.
She was not clear. I told her that.
Now I feel unbelievably guilty. Responsible for her.
I did what was bear for me. My therapist said it would be uncomfortable at first, but I have to do for me. Live my life.
I just met a great guy. I want my own life. I want to be married. I can't have my family drag me down so that I never have my own life. My sibling who lives with them has more of an individual life than I do. My life is my family. It's not healthy.
Any advice on how I can keep navigating this journey?
I feel so selfish and guilty. I'm way more social now. I am more myself. I don't care what people think of me. I have more laughter. Who cares if you look silly? People love the real me.
Any advice on how I can keep navigating this journey?
I feel so selfish and guilty. I'm way more social now. I am more myself. I don't care what people think of me. I have more laughter. Who cares if you look silly? People love the real me.
I'm really trying here.
You ARE trying. That's what life is anyway,. keeping moving forward. Life is hard, and breaking unhealthy bonds, and keeping healthy boundaries is a never ending journey.
I'm sorry about your guilt feelings, they may never go entirely away. But here is some practical advice. :
When you know you are going to be in conversation with your mother, and you know the topic (when she "needs you" for example) write down the things you want to say. You know the kind of stuff she's going to lay on you, so be prepared with reasonable, kind, but true to yourself, answers.
"I need your help".
Sure mom, I can come over on xday at x o'clock. I can stay 2 hours. Why don't you make a list of the things you need me to do, so when I get there I can get right to it. Do you need me to pick anything up for you on the way? This will be part of the 2 hours.
Practice saying, at the end of the two hours, "well I've got to get going Mom". If she tries to keep you, you say "Well, you can get brother (or dad) to take care of that, so I'll talk to you soon. Love you, Bye!"
And practice, Mandi. Practice in front of the mirror. Practice practice practice. Look into your own eyes and practice sticking to your own boundaries.
You ARE trying. That's what life is anyway,. keeping moving forward. Life is hard, and breaking unhealthy bonds, and keeping healthy boundaries is a never ending journey.
I'm sorry about your guilt feelings, they may never go entirely away. But here is some practical advice. :
When you know you are going to be in conversation with your mother, and you know the topic (when she "needs you" for example) write down the things you want to say. You know the kind of stuff she's going to lay on you, so be prepared with reasonable, kind, but true to yourself, answers.
"I need your help".
Sure mom, I can come over on xday at x o'clock. I can stay 2 hours. Why don't you make a list of the things you need me to do, so when I get there I can get right to it. Do you need me to pick anything up for you on the way? This will be part of the 2 hours.
Practice saying, at the end of the two hours, "well I've got to get going Mom". If she tries to keep you, you say "Well, you can get brother (or dad) to take care of that, so I'll talk to you soon. Love you, Bye!"
And practice, Mandi. Practice in front of the mirror. Practice practice practice. Look into your own eyes and practice sticking to your own boundaries.
The mirror work isn't easy either. But it works.
Thank you. It's so hard.
I'll go for a day to see them. Which is fun. And I try to help. Fix this computer or order something they need online. I'm faster with the tech stuff. Then I see how overwhelmed my mother is with the house and the chores and how she and my father aren't talking so she's alone. And I stay and stay. I end up leaving my poor pets at home longer than I should and I am not taking care of my home.
I feel so guilty not going to take care of her in this recovery from surgery. But I am so so busy this week. Typically, I'd throw all my stuff to the side, but this time I didn't.
But I feel bad. She needs help. And I do enjoy spending time with her. We do fun things together too.
I just always feel like I have to help and they come before what I want.
My therapist even had me trying to break the unhealthy pattern of thinking as I think they do and how they expect and actually thinking for myself and what my wants and needs are.
I see my cousins. They are close with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and uncle help them. My cousins help them too. But my cousins who are my age, have more freedom and independence to do what they want.
Even recently, my uncle texted everyone about Christmas, asking who would be there and what we were bringing. I messaged right back saying what I'd bring. I didn't think it was a big deal. I know what I'd do.
She then starts calling me mad that we didn't confer together before I messaged my uncle. And then desperately whining about "what should I bring?"
I offered many suggestions. She didn't like any of them I grew frustrated and told her to bring whatever she wanted. She grew frustrated that I wasn't helping her and was just doing my own thing. Like it wasn't a big deal. I told her it wasn't and just decide on something. She finally did.
I'll go for a day to see them. Which is fun. And I try to help. Fix this computer or order something they need online. I'm faster with the tech stuff. Then I see how overwhelmed my mother is with the house and the chores and how she and my father aren't talking so she's alone. And I stay and stay. I end up leaving my poor pets at home longer than I should and I am not taking care of my home.
I feel so guilty not going to take care of her in this recovery from surgery. But I am so so busy this week. Typically, I'd throw all my stuff to the side, but this time I didn't.
But I feel bad. She needs help. And I do enjoy spending time with her. We do fun things together too.
I just always feel like I have to help and they come before what I want.
My therapist even had me trying to break the unhealthy pattern of thinking as I think they do and how they expect and actually thinking for myself and what my wants and needs are.
I see my cousins. They are close with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and uncle help them. My cousins help them too. But my cousins who are my age, have more freedom and independence to do what they want.
Even recently, my uncle texted everyone about Christmas, asking who would be there and what we were bringing. I messaged right back saying what I'd bring. I didn't think it was a big deal. I know what I'd do.
She then starts calling me mad that we didn't confer together before I messaged my uncle. And then desperately whining about "what should I bring?"
I offered many suggestions. She didn't like any of them I grew frustrated and told her to bring whatever she wanted. She grew frustrated that I wasn't helping her and was just doing my own thing. Like it wasn't a big deal. I told her it wasn't and just decide on something. She finally did.
Like why is it a big deal?
Sometimes the interaction that turns into a big deal is just an activity for those who have nothing else to do. She complains, then you offer suggestions, she turns them down, she does her own thing... Rinse, repeat. It's a way to fill up her day.
You have to keep telling yourself you are not responsible for your parents. Your family can only drag you down if YOU let them. I’d say keep working on healthy boundaries ,keep working with your therapist, stop being available and enabling their bad behaviour.
I'll go for a day to see them. Which is fun. And I try to help. Fix this computer or order something they need online. I'm faster with the tech stuff. Then I see how overwhelmed my mother is with the house and the chores and how she and my father aren't talking so she's alone. And I stay and stay. I end up leaving my poor pets at home longer than I should and I am not taking care of my home.
I feel so guilty not going to take care of her in this recovery from surgery. But I am so so busy this week. Typically, I'd throw all my stuff to the side, but this time I didn't.
But I feel bad. She needs help. And I do enjoy spending time with her. We do fun things together too.
I just always feel like I have to help and they come before what I want.
My therapist even had me trying to break the unhealthy pattern of thinking as I think they do and how they expect and actually thinking for myself and what my wants and needs are.
I see my cousins. They are close with my aunt and uncle. My aunt and uncle help them. My cousins help them too. But my cousins who are my age, have more freedom and independence to do what they want.
Even recently, my uncle texted everyone about Christmas, asking who would be there and what we were bringing. I messaged right back saying what I'd bring. I didn't think it was a big deal. I know what I'd do.
She then starts calling me mad that we didn't confer together before I messaged my uncle. And then desperately whining about "what should I bring?"
I offered many suggestions. She didn't like any of them I grew frustrated and told her to bring whatever she wanted. She grew frustrated that I wasn't helping her and was just doing my own thing. Like it wasn't a big deal. I told her it wasn't and just decide on something. She finally did.
Like why is it a big deal?
It’s a big deal because you let it. Your big mistake is offering suggestions.
So after lots of therapy- I recently stopped, because it got expensive.
My therapist identified my main issue that causes me emotional distress is my family dynamic.
I live in a house by myself now and I love it. One hour away from parents.
I'm the older sibling, 30, and I have one younger sibling, 27, who still lives at home with parents.
I had to grow up fast in a sense. My mother always wanted me to appear perfect. Don't laugh that way, you look stupid. Don't eat that. It was always about how you looked to others. Yes, I had a childhood filled with fun and great family vacations, memories, and more. But as I got older, my mothers picking got into my head. I started censoring myself as a 12 year old girl. I was too afraid to look stupid so I didn't put myself out there. I didn't immerse myself in fun or freedom. I stayed where it was safe, near my mom all the time. I struggled making friends because I was terrified to converse with new people. I politely and responsibly waited for them to come to me. They never did. The ones who did, became my friends. When people did get to know me, they really liked me.
I was quiet. I judged others who weren't like us, as my mother did.
As I got older, I helped my mother care for sick older relatives. I was 16. I then also had to care for my younger sibling, while my mother was busy with her elderly family. I took my sibling to school, made sure homework was done, entertaining siblings friends, making dinners. I was the mom.
I then went to college. College was freedom. I was only responsible for myself. I loved that. I met some nice friends and some not so nice ones. I grew as an individual. At the end of the day, I grew more independent and realized I was capable of a lot. During my college time, my parents bought a new house they were going to fix up. My room to come home to was gone. I didn't have my own space. Neither did my sibling. I didn't feel like it was home.
I moved out for work and have been out on my own ever since.
My parents marriage and dynamic drains me. They fight. They don't communicate well. I try and appease both of them. I try to end the fighting. My dad is lazy and depressed and my mom is a slave.
It kills me. I've tried to fix it. But I can't. I always feel responsible for them. My therapist made me realize that I cannot take on their issues as my own.
I get jealous of my sibling. Not taking it on as I do. Why can't I just think of myself more?
I try to please people as I was taught as a child. I seek validation and praise for doing for others. Its unhealthy. It's woven it's way into romantic relationships. They have all failed.
I see my friends who focus on themselves and have happy lives. My family's dynamic is we do do do for one another no matter what. But it's a lot of pressure on me.
Again, I live one hour away.
Yesterday my mother had a surgery. We spoke about me coming down today to help in her recovery. My father and sibling won't take off time from work to help her. I had the time. I kept asking her, do you need me? She kept going back and forth very unsure. I call her this morning. She seems okay. Doesn't say she needs me or anything. So I stay home.
She calls asking where I am. I to her I stayed home. I was under the impression she was doing okay. She says she told me she needs me etc and she was expecting me to come.
She was not clear. I told her that.
Now I feel unbelievably guilty. Responsible for her.
I did what was bear for me. My therapist said it would be uncomfortable at first, but I have to do for me. Live my life.
I just met a great guy. I want my own life. I want to be married. I can't have my family drag me down so that I never have my own life. My sibling who lives with them has more of an individual life than I do. My life is my family. It's not healthy.
Any advice on how I can keep navigating this journey?
I feel so selfish and guilty. I'm way more social now. I am more myself. I don't care what people think of me. I have more laughter. Who cares if you look silly? People love the real me.
I'm really trying here.
Mandi, Do not be jealous of your brother - he lives with your parents!
It's actually good for your Mother to not be able to depend on you for everything. If you get run over by a bus and die, life will go on for your Mother. She is an adult. She is probably mentally ill, but your enabling her is not helping her. It is most unfortunate that you didn't get a job and move to the other side of the country after college. It's still not too late for that.
How did your family manage without you when you were away at college? Why is it they didn't just all lay down and die?
Therapy may be expensive, but maybe you need to consider going back. Consider it booster therapy.
Yesterday my mother had a surgery. We spoke about me coming down today to help in her recovery. My father and sibling won't take off time from work to help her. I had the time. I kept asking her, do you need me? She kept going back and forth very unsure. I call her this morning. She seems okay. Doesn't say she needs me or anything. So I stay home.
She calls asking where I am. I to her I stayed home. I was under the impression she was doing okay. She says she told me she needs me etc and she was expecting me to come.
She was not clear. I told her that.
Now I feel unbelievably guilty. Responsible for her.
.
If your father and younger sibling wouldn't take the time off to take care of her, what might that be able to tell you? Do they know something you do not? Perhaps that they know it's a waste of time, that she would be fine on her own, etc.?
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