Please give me advice... we're out of ideas. (money, feel, boyfriend)
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Well, cutting them off completely from my life might be the easiest thing for me, but is it really necessary?
Suppose we continue letting them hang out with us but when they ask for money or moving in then it's a no no?
I'm thinking we can slowly lead by example. I have a secure career. My boyfriend is getting straight A's in college. Our relationship is 3 years in and going strong. We don't argue. We live very frugally.
While I understand everyone's concern, and I really really appreciate it, not trying to change their way of thinking kinda goes against my principles.
I will read the linked materials and see if there's something I can show to the sisters.
Based on my personal, direct experience with multiple generations of members of my own family and their associates, I'm going to tell you that you cannot 'lead by example.' They are not going to suddenly change their minds and their attitudes just because they see you and your bf living a happy, stable, self-sufficient life. These people are not going to learn anything from your example except that you have money and things that they want from you. They've already taken advantage of your kindness and generosity so they know that you are a sucker for a sob story. They don't want your example. They want your money. And once they get your money (be it $20 for dinner or $1500 for a car), they'll just spend it and continue to see themselves as entitled, helpless, (but smugly religious and virtuous) victims of society.
Please do take the advise you've been given to check on and guard your credit. I know a good-hearted man who once let his deadbeat younger brother live with him in the hopes that providing him with free lodgings and 'a good example' would inspire the brother to change his attitudes and get a job. Instead, the younger brother opened several credit cards in his brother's name, intercepted the mail so that my friend never knew what was going on, ran up thousands in unpaid credit card debt, and completely destroyed my friend's credit rating. All the while, the younger brother claimed that he loved his older brother but he just needed the money, and he figured that his older brother would be able to pay all the money back or else just scam the banks and not pay it back. Either way, he didn't care.
I'd recommend that you keep as much distance between you and these people as you can. You may not want to completely cut them out because they are your bf's family. I understand that. But don't go out of your way to initiate any contact with them. See if they reach out to you and your bf instead. If they do, see if they just want to see you for companionship, or because they have some ulterior motive which will usually end up being some sort of sob story to get at your cash.
Based on my personal, direct experience with multiple generations of members of my own family and their associates, I'm going to tell you that you cannot 'lead by example.' They are not going to suddenly change their minds and their attitudes just because they see you and your bf living a happy, stable, self-sufficient life. These people are not going to learn anything from your example except that you have money and things that they want from you. They've already taken advantage of your kindness and generosity so they know that you are a sucker for a sob story. They don't want your example. They want your money. And once they get your money (be it $20 for dinner or $1500 for a car), they'll just spend it and continue to see themselves as entitled, helpless, (but smugly religious and virtuous) victims of society.
Please do take the advise you've been given to check on and guard your credit. I know a good-hearted man who once let his deadbeat younger brother live with him in the hopes that providing him with free lodgings and 'a good example' would inspire the brother to change his attitudes and get a job. Instead, the younger brother opened several credit cards in his brother's name, intercepted the mail so that my friend never knew what was going on, ran up thousands in unpaid credit card debt, and completely destroyed my friend's credit rating. All the while, the younger brother claimed that he loved his older brother but he just needed the money, and he figured that his older brother would be able to pay all the money back or else just scam the banks and not pay it back. Either way, he didn't care.
I'd recommend that you keep as much distance between you and these people as you can. You may not want to completely cut them out because they are your bf's family. I understand that. But don't go out of your way to initiate any contact with them. See if they reach out to you and your bf instead. If they do, see if they just want to see you for companionship, or because they have some ulterior motive which will usually end up being some sort of sob story to get at your cash.
I disagree. I grew up in absolute and complete poverty and dysfunction and managed to make my life a very different one for myself and my children. I credit people who did lead by example for my ability to do that. My grandparents for showing me a loving marital relationship. Some friends of the family for showing me a functional loving family, a few teachers for showing me ambition, and a counselor for showing me about healing and growth.
Ok, looks like some of you know more about these
people than I do, so I might as well ask my question here.
I have observed this for years. Why are poor people the pickiest eaters out
there? Common sense tells me if your resources are limited wouldn't you be
happy with anything?
A couple weeks ago, we took the sisters out to lunch. Sister 1 ordered a
typical chicken fingers with french fries meal. This was an honest to god
restaurant, by the way, and not a fast food joint. Sister 2 was going to order
the same thing as 1 when my boyfriend suggested she tried something else. So,
she chose some kind if burger. When they brought it out, she looked at it and
yelled out EWWWWW WHAT IS THAT WHAT IS THAT? Everyone in the restaurant looked
over at us. Well, it was just cheese. She went on to making faces at it
started acting like she was about to vomit. I asked the waitress to wrap it up
for me and she went ahead and ordered chicken fingers. And that was 100%
American food, too.
That's just 1 example out of many. I used to work for habitat for humanity
and I observed this many times over. Very poor people getting grossed out by
anything other than french fries, pizza, or cheeseburger. Shouldn't they take every opportunity to try out something new, especially when they're not paying for it?[/quote]
Sort answer - Because when you are poor - you can't afford to take chances.
I grew up very, very poor and frequently hungry. For a short while, my mom signed us up for free lunches at school. That lasted a few weeks until my father found out we were taking charity. Anyway, I always went with the chicken-fries-milk type option. Later as a foster parent, I noticed my kiddos were the same way. Recently, I read about food stamps and why even when produce is brought into "food deserts' (inner city type places with out a lot of fresh produce) people don't buy it.
Sometimes when I cut open produce - it's not good. I bought some blueberries the other day that looked beautiful but were horribly mealy - into the trash they went. I was bummed but it didn't mean that there wasn't enough food to go around.
I disagree. I grew up in absolute and complete poverty and dysfunction and managed to make my life a very different one for myself and my children. I credit people who did lead by example for my ability to do that. My grandparents for showing me a loving marital relationship. Some friends of the family for showing me a functional loving family, a few teachers for showing me ambition, and a counselor for showing me about healing and growth.
I'm glad that you had good people in your life who helped you to find your way out of poverty and dysfunction. I don't think that anyone should be stuck living in a poor and/or dysfunctional environment. Did you have these people in your life while you were growing up, or did they help you after you were an adult or both?
Well, cutting them off completely from my life might be the easiest thing for me, but is it really necessary?
Suppose we continue letting them hang out with us but when they ask for money or moving in then it's a no no?
I'm thinking we can slowly lead by example. I have a secure career. My boyfriend is getting straight A's in college. Our relationship is 3 years in and going strong. We don't argue. We live very frugally.
While I understand everyone's concern, and I really really appreciate it, not trying to change their way of thinking kinda goes against my principles.
I will read the linked materials and see if there's something I can show to the sisters.
Of course you can be compassionate, and try to lead by example. Something to think about though, is sometimes people's motives for "helping" is to make themselves feel better. They can say to themselves, "I am such a good person because I have given this or that", when actually, by giving they only enable the behavior.
Of course you can be compassionate, and try to lead by example. Something to think about though, is sometimes people's motives for "helping" is to make themselves feel better. They can say to themselves, "I am such a good person because I have given this or that", when actually, by giving they only enable the behavior.
Oh, trust me, I'm not doing this to feel good. As it stands, we're not giving them anything except to keep talking to them about these issues.
The girl that wants to have a baby, "to make everything alright," is obviously immature or perhaps borderline retarded herself. She has relayed to you that the Dr. says that if she has a little "bundle o' love," that it may have mental problems. The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Your house sounds disgusting, purely from a hygienic point of view. Lose the dog. Lose the relatives. This world is full of "clingers on." You are too young to already have such a menagerie. Lighten your load.
Focus on your own life. I would suggest a therapist. You can find many that will see you an "ability to pay" cost. Don't do this alone. Enlist some help. Take charge of your house/life. Please share how it works out.
The girl that wants to have a baby, "to make everything alright," is obviously immature or perhaps borderline retarded herself. She has relayed to you that the Dr. says that if she has a little "bundle o' love," that it may have mental problems. The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Your house sounds disgusting, purely from a hygienic point of view. Lose the dog. Lose the relatives. This world is full of "clingers on." You are too young to already have such a menagerie. Lighten your load.
Focus on your own life. I would suggest a therapist. You can find many that will see you an "ability to pay" cost. Don't do this alone. Enlist some help. Take charge of your house/life. Please share how it works out.
The OP does not live in the house (actually an apartment) he described. The family of his boyfriend does. I have not seen anything that would suggest that the OP needs therapy, though I do think he would be better served by doing more of his thinking with his head, instead of his heart, when it comes to dealing with the BF's family.
Based on my personal, direct experience with multiple generations of members of my own family and their associates, I'm going to tell you that you cannot 'lead by example.' They are not going to suddenly change their minds and their attitudes just because they see you and your bf living a happy, stable, self-sufficient life. These people are not going to learn anything from your example except that you have money and things that they want from you. They've already taken advantage of your kindness and generosity so they know that you are a sucker for a sob story. They don't want your example. They want your money. And once they get your money (be it $20 for dinner or $1500 for a car), they'll just spend it and continue to see themselves as entitled, helpless, (but smugly religious and virtuous) victims of society.
Please do take the advise you've been given to check on and guard your credit. I know a good-hearted man who once let his deadbeat younger brother live with him in the hopes that providing him with free lodgings and 'a good example' would inspire the brother to change his attitudes and get a job. Instead, the younger brother opened several credit cards in his brother's name, intercepted the mail so that my friend never knew what was going on, ran up thousands in unpaid credit card debt, and completely destroyed my friend's credit rating. All the while, the younger brother claimed that he loved his older brother but he just needed the money, and he figured that his older brother would be able to pay all the money back or else just scam the banks and not pay it back. Either way, he didn't care.
I'd recommend that you keep as much distance between you and these people as you can. You may not want to completely cut them out because they are your bf's family. I understand that. But don't go out of your way to initiate any contact with them. See if they reach out to you and your bf instead. If they do, see if they just want to see you for companionship, or because they have some ulterior motive which will usually end up being some sort of sob story to get at your cash.
It can even get worse than the stories that people have shared.
An elderly friend of our family took a middle aged widow & her kids "under his wing". At first everything was wonderful. She did some cleaning, cooking and housekeeping for him and also drove him grocery shopping and to other places. He paid her for about 15 to 20 hours of work a week and it was strictly professional. A few months later he noticed how her young daughters did not have warm winter coats or hats or mittens during the Wisconsin winter so he bought them those items out of the goodness of his heart. He would also occasionally buy them toys or books.
Over the next two or three years, the woman stopped doing any work for him but threatened to beat him up (he was in his early 80s and very fragile) if he stopped paying her for "working". Then his young teenage daughters started stealing money from him and using his credit cards. He was really afraid of her & her daughters but was embarrassed to tell anyone.
But, it got worse. The Mom told him that he needed to buy her and her older daughter cars and if he refused she would cause "trouble" for him. He refused. Mom & her daughters went to the police and claimed that he had raped both daughters numerous times over several years. He was charged and held in jail while this was being sorted out. Thankfully, the Mom & girls had slipped up and had listed dates that they claimed he had raped them that were in impossible (he was in the hospital or out of the state) & made other errors and the district attorney dropped the case before it could go to trial.
But, he became a broken man, he had lost most of his money to those cheats, spent thousands of dollars on attorney fees, many of his friends and acquaintances would have noting to do with him after they read the front page headlines that he was accused of raping two girls. He had a massive stroke and died shortly after all of this.
It was a real shame. He had Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter dinner with my family for years and I knew him as a sweet, gentle, caring man. What those cheats did to him was disgusting.
The girl that wants to have a baby, "to make everything alright," is obviously immature or perhaps borderline retarded herself. She has relayed to you that the Dr. says that if she has a little "bundle o' love," that it may have mental problems. The fruit does not fall far from the tree. Your house sounds disgusting, purely from a hygienic point of view. Lose the dog. Lose the relatives. This world is full of "clingers on." You are too young to already have such a menagerie. Lighten your load.
Focus on your own life. I would suggest a therapist. You can find many that will see you an "ability to pay" cost. Don't do this alone. Enlist some help. Take charge of your house/life. Please share how it works out.
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