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A) let yourselves off the hook. Overall there are two kinds of people out there. Them that get it and them that don't. The ones that don't probably won't. The ones that get it are vastly outnumbered by the donters but are far more interesting and intellegant.
#2) these people sound self centered rude and annoying. You already know this. Your boy toy is maybe on fence between remaining a don't get it or moving further into the ranks of do.
Pg.364) If someone is stuck in a hole and your trying to help them, unless they take your hand and dig in their heels to climb up, you only end up falling in.
€£¥) I'm not sure if you and your guy who sounds great and I'm sure is, are goin somewhere together right now. I think you should take some you time even short blocks of it since ya sound busy. Just an hour or two here or there, but soon, go on a hike ow whatever connects u 2 you and decide what you WANT.
3) Then do that. For you. With or without . Positive, strong, looking ahead to a great week month year.
Z) doing what's right and or best is usually not the easiest, especially when you have influences tugging here and there manipulating, bullying, guilt tripping and whatever other selfish ways to in short suck your energy
Back when my boyfriend was 15, his very christian and moral parents threw him out to fend for himself when they found out he was gay.....In a 700 square foot apartment, there's mom, dad, sister 1, sister 2, sister 2's boyfriend, a baby, and a full grown pit bull. So, that's 5 adults, a baby, and a pit bull in a 2 bedroom apartment.... The boyfriend works 2 minimum wage jobs washing dishes. They have no plan to move out of the apartment. Both sister 1 and sister 2 can't hold a job. They keep walking out of their jobs because they don't like them....The mom is an alcoholic. And she gets violent when she drinks.
Sounds like your boyfriend got the better deal.
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During one of our brainstorming sessions, my boyfriend and I considered possibly letting them stay with us so we could try to help them understand the nature of the beast. But we came to the conclusion that if we let them move into our house they will more than likely treat us as cash cows for them. They can't even keep a job for more than a couple months right now. Also, I'm a man, and I'm scared that one of them might yell rape to blackmail me. It's been a fear of mine since I was in my teens.
Any idea on what we can say or do that will change the 18 year old's mind? She is currently trapped in this mindset that having a baby will solve all her problems. I don't understand how that works, but that's what she thinks. And remember that it is more than likely the kid will be developmentally disabled.
Do not let them move in with you. That will help no one, and may very well destroy your relationship with your boyfriend. (I can't believe you would even consider that)
Sounds like she suffers from magical thinking. There's no reasoning behind it, and unfortunately no amount of reasoning will change her mind. Perhaps it is for the best that her body will make it hard for her to have children. I know that sounds cruel, but she is totally unprepared for motherhood.
Really all you can do is keep talking to her and try to break through the dream world.
Thank you for your advice. Work's been hectic, so I'm finding myself having less and less time for leisure.
It's become obvious to me that they don't want to change. Barely making by seems to be just fine for them, I guess.
Lately, I've come to realize that there is no denying my boyfriend has inherited a lot of the traits from his family. I'm not going to go into details. Think cycle of poverty and the feeling of helplessness. It's been hard. Right now, convincing him that he has control over his destiny is my first priority. Every once in a while, he slips back into the mentality that no matter what he does he'll be a failure. It's been tough.
I'm sorry to hear that you're having trouble. I'm sure you've heard the various variations of the old saying, "You can take the (X) out of the (Y), but you can't take the (Y) out of the (X)." I think there's a lot of truth to that, and maybe this is what you are experiencing. Like it or not, your boyfriend is a product of his previous environment.
I think the first decision needs to be made by your boyfriend. Is he willing to rise above his station and make something of himself, alongside you? If so, I think he's going to have to seriously curtail -- if not cut off entirely -- his contact with his family. And that's a choice that only he can make.
And if he doesn't choose to cut them off, I think you're going to have to make a choice of your own. As you continue to pull him up, his family will continue to drag him down. Are you able and willing to keep pulling, realizing that you may end up getting dragged down too? Or will you have to cut him loose so you don't go down too?
Sounds like you have the situation handled so far with the sisters.
So off topic, but did I get this right? You're 30, bf is 18 and you've been together for 3 years, so that means you were 27 and he was 15. He didn't have good parents but I would allow that for my 15 year old I don't care how mature he thought he was. No offense but you'd be looking out through jail bars if I was his mom.
And now it's starting to be a struggle because of his "thought process with the cycle of poverty".
Or maybe he is just still a messed up kid at 18 and you are a grown adult at 30 with your life (somewhat) straightened out (except for dating messed up teens). Two different worlds. There is no way he is going to be on the same page as you for a long time if ever with that age difference at this point in time with him being 18. If one were 50 and one 38, maybe fine. But right now, not so much. You'll see.
Sounds like you have the situation handled so far with the sisters.
So off topic, but did I get this right? You're 30, bf is 18 and you've been together for 3 years, so that means you were 27 and he was 15. He didn't have good parents but I would allow that for my 15 year old I don't care how mature he thought he was. No offense but you'd be looking out through jail bars if I was his mom.
And now it's starting to be a struggle because of his "thought process with the cycle of poverty".
Or maybe he is just still a messed up kid at 18 and you are a grown adult at 30 with your life (somewhat) straightened out (except for dating messed up teens). Two different worlds. There is no way he is going to be on the same page as you for a long time if ever with that age difference at this point in time with him being 18. If one were 50 and one 38, maybe fine. But right now, not so much. You'll see.
The BF's youngest sister is 18. The BF is in his early 20s according to the OP and is in process of finishing up college.
OP, if you really want to help him, you'd encourage him to take cognitive therapy, which is what he needs and will give him the tools and exercises needs when he gets those moments.
I understand why you guys want to help them... family is family. In your situation I'm not sure what I would do but the fact is that those girls are being ridiculously irresponsible!! Especially the 18 year old. Why on Earth does she think a baby will make everything better?! Even if it was a healthy baby... she doesn't have any conditions to raise a child. If she does that, the most likely scenario is that social services will take the child away.
I understand she's young, but I'm 21 years old (not too long ago I was 18) and I knew better than that. Even when I was younger I knew better than that. Age is not an excuse and even if it was, she's old enough to understand how life works. I have the dream of being a mom myself and I have a really high maternal instinct but I would never get pregnant if I couldn't raise my child properly.
Also, if their mom is an alcoholic and they're living like this, why the hell do they want to be trapped in that situation?! Raising babies in a chaotic environment? I'm not trying to be rude or something but this is common sense for God's sake!
Anyway... if I were living like that I'd want to GET OUT as soon as possible! But they can't even keep their jobs because they "don't like it". I mean, what the hell?! If they can't handle the responsability of having a job, how the hell will they be able to raise a child? Or two, in this case.
I think the best thing you can do is to try to talk to them, make them see the reality as it is. You should tell them to work and to get out of there, especially the youngest if she really wants to have a child. But I don't think you can do more than that... if you invite them to your place you'll be working for them.
I absolutely love to help people, if I can... and I always do everything in my power to help others if they need, especially family and close friends. But people deserve help if they WANT to be helped, if they DO something to change their lives... but if they expect others to do everything for them than they don't really deserve it.
I say help them if they can open their eyes and really TRY to change their lives. But if they keep like this I'm not sure what you can do...
Also, I should say, I'm not sure if the guy that has 2 jobs will be able to deal with that situation for a long time... especially living in that situation with a girlfriend that doesn't even want to work. I mean those girls can't really complain about their situation as they're not doing anything to change it. "Bad luck" isn't to blame here.
Anyway... I wish you and your boyfriend the best luck in the world to deal with all that.
She sounds like a very self destructive person, so there may be an underlying personality disorder. She's probably in denial about any self-accountability, so good luck getting her into therapy. I believe she truly needs it though, and I also wish she would give the baby up for adoption to a family that can properly love and care for him/her. Very very sad because now an innocent child is going to be involved. Unfortunately, enabling makes these kinds of people worse, whether its by society in the form of government handouts, or family members taking care of them.
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