Please give me advice... we're out of ideas. (boyfriend, father, person)

[MetroWord]

In order for me to make sense, I need to tell you a little bit about the background. Here's the short version.

Back when my boyfriend was 15, his very christian and moral parents threw him out to fend for himself when they found out he was gay.

Fast forward to now. He is in his early 20's and he lives with me. He's going to college studying accounting. He's got 2 little sisters, one is 20 and one is 18. The 20 year old had a baby 3 years ago with some guy that said he would love her forever. Well, he left as soon as the baby came out so...

The 18 year old sister has a boyfriend.

Before I go on, let me describe their living arrangement. In a 700 square foot apartment, there's mom, dad, sister 1, sister 2, sister 2's boyfriend, a baby, and a full grown pit bull. So, that's 5 adults, a baby, and a pit bull in a 2 bedroom apartment.

The 18 year old and her boyfriend had a car up to a couple days ago when that car blew up due to electrical problems. So, now they have no car. The boyfriend works 2 minimum wage jobs washing dishes. They have no plan to move out of the apartment. Both sister 1 and sister 2 can't hold a job. They keep walking out of their jobs because they don't like them.

The mom is an alcoholic. And she gets violent when she drinks.

Got that?

So, this past Saturday, we decided to go to the beach. We feel obligated to help the sisters out... we can't just abandon them. So, we swung by and picked up the sisters. The mom was drunk and throwing things out the window.

So, now that you have the short version background, here's what I need help on.

After the beach, we took them to a restaurant to eat dinner. During dinner, the 18 year old started telling us how she is so sad that it's hard for her to have a baby. The hair on the back of my neck started standing up. She said she's been trying for the last year to have a baby with her boyfriend, but couldn't. So, she went to a doctor and they found out she had extra tissue in her fallopian tube, which makes it hard for the eggs to catch on. They also warned her that if she gets pregnant the chances are very high that the child would be mentally underdeveloped.

That said, she is convinced that she can have a baby and everything will be better once she has a baby. It makes no sense to us. So, last night we invited them over to our house for dinner. And we tried to talk her out of trying to have a baby at this time, considering their living arrangement, their lack of having a car, and her lack of having a job. She keeps walking out of job after job because she doesn't like them.

She was very insistent that she will make a great stay at home mom and the baby will make everything better.

My boyfriend and I are out of ideas.

During one of our brainstorming sessions, my boyfriend and I considered possibly letting them stay with us so we could try to help them understand the nature of the beast. But we came to the conclusion that if we let them move into our house they will more than likely treat us as cash cows for them. They can't even keep a job for more than a couple months right now. Also, I'm a man, and I'm scared that one of them might yell rape to blackmail me. It's been a fear of mine since I was in my teens.

Any idea on what we can say or do that will change the 18 year old's mind? She is currently trapped in this mindset that having a baby will solve all her problems. I don't understand how that works, but that's what she thinks. And remember that it is more than likely the kid will be developmentally disabled.

[Marlow]

You and your boyfriend sound like very kind people, but you're going to have to keep your distance from this family. They have more problems than you can possibly handle. If you feel like you have to do something, have one good talk with the 18-year-old about getting pregnant. Lay out why you think it's a bad idea for her right now and persuade her that if she waits til she's 25 she'll be much better equipped to be a mother. Then step back and tend to your own life.

And whatever you do, don't let them move it.

[Kibbiekat]

The only thing I would suggest is encouraging and paying for therapy for the sister. She hasn't found love and support at home, so she think she can get that from a baby. I hope a professional can convince her she's wrong.

[bus man]

First off, nothing you've said about the parents makes them sound remotely "Christian" or "moral." So unless you have any evidence of any kind of religious profession or practice on their part, I would just chalk that up to your boyfriend railing against them for tossing him out.

Seems to me that Sister 2 ought to be able to see the realities of parenting a baby up close and personal, thanks to Sister 1's baby being there in their little apartment, sans the baby's father. Has that baby made the family's life any better? Will adding another baby to the mix improve things? Doesn't sound like it from your description. But if cold hard reality staring her in the face won't dissuade Sister 2 from wanting a baby of her own, then words from her non-parenting brother and his equally non-parenting boyfriend are unlikely to have any effect.

I'm curious as to how you have the money to take the sisters out to eat, if your boyfriend is still in college. I'm assuming you are older (post-college?) and have a job of your own that lets you make ends meet. I do think that, if you are even remotely more prosperous than your boyfriend's family, you are correct that they will see you as cash cows, and take advantage of your generous nature at every opportunity.

As for having any of them live with you . . . take a look again at their "happy" home life. Do you want to import that into your own home? Because that's exactly what you'd be doing if you let even one of them live with you. Even without the blackmail fear, you'd have to live with these people's drama swirling all around you, all the time. Is this really what you want? You may think you'd be throwing them a life preserver, but an anchor will drag down a life ring every time.

I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but the only advice I can give you is, DON'T LET THEM MOVE IN WITH YOU!!!! Beyond that, doing what you're doing now -- taking the sisters out of their environment if only for long enough to go to the beach and dinner -- is probably the best you can do, while still maintaining your own sanity and helping your boyfriend rise above his upbringing and making something of himself.

[rosebyanothername]

Well, it had nothing to do with you up until you said you were considering letting his sisters move in with you. I think your concerns if they do are justified.

They are both 18 and older and adults. If she is determined to have a baby, and can, there is nothing you or her brother can do to stop her. So consider that you may have both of you, two sisters and a baby to take care of. Not sure if you are into pit bulls, however, you may feel like a big chunk of your a** has had a bite taken out of it if you agree to go through with it. That's the short version. You can make a choice on what you want the long version to be.

[kab0906]

You are not responsible for other people. Your boyfriend is also not responsible for his sisters or their extended families.

Being supportive doesn't mean the same as being financially responsible. You two can be supportive but from a distance.

Do not let anyone move in. It looks like your boyfriend has a chance to escape the terrible life he was born into. Don't invite it into your home.

Sad fact is that neither of you can help raise them up from their position. Only they can do that and it sounds like they are not even trying. Be thankful that the girl cannot get pregnant. Hopefully she will grow up and realize that a baby would be a mistake.

[GotHereQuickAsICould]

Why sister #2 believes that bringing a baby into that mess is a good idea is a mystery. Clearly, it didn't work for sister #1.

Is sister #1 getting a monthly check for the baby? Do they realize she will be "sanctioned off benefits" within a short time? Five years is the absolute maximum and most are sanctioned off long before that. The goal is to get women out there working.

Many women in unfortunate circumstances imagine that a baby will give them financial independence. They dream of being stay-at-home moms on someone else's dime. Those days are long gone.

Alas, there is no cure for stupid.

[rrah]

All you can do is hope that Sister 2 really cannot get pregnant. If she does, just hope that the baby is not born with any special needs. I cannot imagine bringing a baby into that environment, especially a baby or child with special needs.

The only thing that I can think of is to find some sort of group or volunteer activity you can all participate in--if she would agree--that would allow her to meet babies and children with mental disabilities. Parenting a child that is "normal" is hard enough. Parenting a child with a disability is 100X harder. I've seen first hand how hard it is and how much time, etc. is required of a parent to make sure that child is getting absolutely everything he/she needs to be healthy, to learn, and to be accepted.

Sorry, I can't help you more. I don't understand "magical" thinking either. Please just say no though for any money, housing, etc. requests. It only will reinforce the poor decision making by the entire household.

[AK-Cathy]

You are kind but after you've said what you need to, stand back and stay out of it. It's a very sad and all too common situation of children trying to have or raise children falsely thinking it will all be better this time....

[KathrynAragon]

Do not let any of these people move in with you.

You cannot save other adults from themselves. You cannot take responsibility for anyone's actions but your own.

All you can do in this situation is be kind, and model wise decisions and a more responsible lifestyle. Listen to them and offer advice when they ask for it or if the situation seems open.

That's all I've got.

By the way, I agree with the earlier poster who stated that nothing about this family seems particularly "Christian" or "moral." Words and actions are two totally different things and actions speak louder than words. As a Christian, I don't really care to be lumped into the same category as this particular family when it comes to lifestyle choices.