Please give me advice... we're out of ideas. (spouse, husband, guilty)
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There is really nothing you can or should do. Besides stay out of it. Marlow is right on about everything.
If you let them move in you will really regret it, I promise you that. People are who they are. If she was working hard to escape that hell hole, then yes, I can see helping. But she is dead set on ruining her life. She will take everything she can from you and still not change. And the whole family will see you as the guy to bail them out.
I'm sure this is going to be very painful to hear, but you can't do anything but keep trying to get through to her.
She needs therapy, if you can get her to go that would be great.
You can sit her in front of a 16 & Pregnant marathon and see if that helps. Tell her to ignore the ages and look at the results.
But other than that, you cannot stop her. She is of legal age. You cannot control her.
DO NOT MOVE HER IN YOUR HOUSE. You and your boyfriend are on a path to better yourselves it doesn't sound like you are swimming in resources. Do NOT throw your own progress in jeopardy trying to save her. The best thing you two can do is build a stable life so you can be in a position to help out down the line, through modeling how it can be done and perhaps having the disposable cash to help out from time to time. It sounds harsh but it's not. This is one of the hard realities of adulthood. You can love people and really want to help them but you have to realize your own limits and draw boundaries. You are not equipped to help them beyond trying to make sure she has the correct information with which to make her decision. In fact by trying to help them beyond that you can make things worse for everyone, by becoming her default enabler and by jeopardizing the one source of sanity and stability she has access to.
I would encourage your boyfriend's sister to go volunteer in a day car and see what it's like taking care of babies. She should also be encouraged to take over all of the responsibilities of her sister's baby for a couple of weeks. Let her watch her sister go out while she misses all the fun because of the baby. If these things don't deter her then pray that nature doesn't cooperate with her biological desire.
OP - A lot of your first post was fascinating to read, but all the varied details are not really pertinent. Her family is irrelevant. Her current living situation is irrelevant. What happened to your boyfriend when he was younger is irrelevant. The mother's drinking is irrelevant. The 20 year old sister is irrelevant. The 18 year old inability to hold down a job is irrelevant. The only thing that is relevant is that she's 18 and legally an adult.
I think reducing it all to the below is what will help you focus:
Quandary: My boyfriend's 18 year old sister seems immature and yet wants to have a baby despite doctor warnings of probable medical issues. Outside of my boyfriend, the rest of the 18 year old's family seem unstable themselves and thus unable to help her in a positive way make an informed decision.
Question: What should I/we do?
Answer:You should do nothing. If you are concerned, ask your boyfriend to talk to her again and perhaps suggest she see a counselor. Do not do anything else. Whatever he decides is the end of that discussion unless he wants her to move in with you two - then you have a right to say something.
Answer rationale: Whether you, who is not even a blood relative or married into the family, agrees or disagrees with her choices doesn't matter. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I think you are trying to insert yourself into something you have no business getting involved in, and you will be the one burned as a result.
For the sake of your relationship - stay out of his family's affairs. My only caveat to that is as mentioned if your boyfriend wants the sister to move in with the two of you - then it becomes your problem.
Any idea on what we can say or do that will change the 18 year old's mind? She is currently trapped in this mindset that having a baby will solve all her problems. I don't understand how that works, but that's what she thinks. And remember that it is more than likely the kid will be developmentally disabled.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Whatever you do, do not let them move in with you; you will likely never get them out.
First off, nothing you've said about the parents makes them sound remotely "Christian" or "moral." So unless you have any evidence of any kind of religious profession or practice on their part, I would just chalk that up to your boyfriend railing against them for tossing him out.
Actually, last week when I came home from work my boyfriend was on the phone with his mom. He put it on the speaker for me to hear. She was raving on about our sinful lives and how god doesn't tolerate that. She also blamed me for him being gay LOL.
Quote:
I'm curious as to how you have the money to take the sisters out to eat, if your boyfriend is still in college. I'm assuming you are older (post-college?) and have a job of your own that lets you make ends meet. I do think that, if you are even remotely more prosperous than your boyfriend's family, you are correct that they will see you as cash cows, and take advantage of your generous nature at every opportunity.
I'm a resident engineer managing a construction project worth about $50 mil. I'm a home owner.
It has crossed my mind to do nothing. And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them.
We know the parents are gone. But the sisters are still young and there's a chance we can do something to get them out of the mentality that they are in. It's like watching a train wreck happening in slow-mo.
And the fact of the matter is they are already in our lives. It seems too heartless to just do nothing.
It has crossed my mind to do nothing. And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them.
We know the parents are gone. But the sisters are still young and there's a chance we can do something to get them out of the mentality that they are in. It's like watching a train wreck happening in slow-mo.
And the fact of the matter is they are already in our lives. It seems too heartless to just do nothing.
Talking to them and trying to convince the sister not to make a bad decision is not "doing nothing"!
Taking them out sometimes and being a source of emotional support and an example of a functional relationship is not "doing nothing".
Helping her brother get on his feet by assisting him as he makes productive choices is not "doing nothing". He is showing his sisters how it is done.
You ARE doing a lot! You have to give yourself credit for what you are already doing.
It is nothing to do with political correctness, as I don't think anyone believes she is making a good decision and you are being judgmental.
We are just suggesting you recognize your limits here. You can't "save" her. It's tempting to think you can but you can't. She has to make productive choices for herself. Now you can try to talk her into making good choices and you can choose to help her once she starts making them (like say, paying for therapy if you can afford it or helping her find ways to pay for additional schooling or licensure) but you can't make her take those first steps by virtue of moving her into your house. That might have worked better when she was a child and you could control her environment more, plus she would have still been developing her coping skills and approach to the world. but now she's older and a legal adult. If her underlying issues are not dealt with all you will do is inherit her problems.
You sounds like a big hearted guy, your boyfriend is lucky to have you.
Cut them loose. No money until they make good choices. And your boyfriend should thank his lucky stars that they did throw him out.
But we know from history that what you are proposing never works. I call it the poor people mentality. Or if you want to be politically correct you can call it the misguided mentality.
The fact of the matter is poor people tend to have kids at a much greater rate than everyone else. It is a vicious cycle because the more kids they make the lesser chance they have of pulling themselves out of their situation.
Shouldn't the goal here is to try to get the 18 year old to stop having this mentality?
I once read an article written by a poor single mom. She said that she knows that she will never be not poor. She knows that she will never have a vacation. She also knows that she will never not feel tired.
There has got to be a way to break out of this mentality.
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