Please give me advice... we're out of ideas. (girlfriend, children, dysfunctional)
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There has got to be a way to break out of this mentality.
There is a way to break out of this mentality, but it is not for you to do.
I really mean this with sympathy and understanding for what you are feeling/thinking - but it is not your life to lead.
Look at it another way - you may be adding more stress to the situation for your boyfriend by getting involved. Support him and when asked offer your thoughts, but the individual in question is a legal adult who has the right to make her own choices.
BTW - you mention in another post "And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them. " I don't think it has anything to do with political correctness so not certain why you said that.
It has crossed my mind to do nothing. And I know it's the politically correct thing for me to say who am I to decide what's good for them.
We know the parents are gone. But the sisters are still young and there's a chance we can do something to get them out of the mentality that they are in. It's like watching a train wreck happening in slow-mo.
And the fact of the matter is they are already in our lives. It seems too heartless to just do nothing.
30 years ago my husband could have written the parts I've bolded about his nieces. While their parents were not exactly like the parents of your BF, unless the nieces were willing to work hard and to get an education, their lives were going to be like that of their mother--poor, sometimes criminal, using people, working sometimes, drugs, alcohol, etc. Not a pretty picture.
When they were children we tried to treat them to some nice experiences and to show them what one could do with an education. We talked to them about continuing their education. It was too late. Of those 4 nieces, two are dead, three had children as teens, one of the teen mothers disappeared years ago and abandoned two children, and one kept asking for money as a married teen mother. Husband tried to help her understand budgets, did a budget for her, paid off a couple of her bills, etc. Sometimes it's just too late. 6 months went by and she wanted more money. As heartless as it seems, until one or both of the sisters wants to change their lives and mentality there is nothing you can do.
Sister #2 sees the attention, status, and govt. benefits that sister #1 gets from having a baby and wants that for herself. She is blind to all of the negatives. In the cycle of poverty, many cannot see a way out. For those who feel stuck in poverty, they think having a child is their only "solution".
Sister #2 sees the attention, status, and govt. benefits that sister #1 gets from having a baby and wants that for herself. She is blind to all of the negatives. In the cycle of poverty, many cannot see a way out. For those who feel stuck in poverty, they think having a child is their only "solution".
What do you think the "solution" entails?
Part of me seeking help is trying to understand what goes on in that head of hers. I can't fathom for the life of me what's so great about having kids that would make their lives better or solve all their problems.
Actually, last week when I came home from work my boyfriend was on the phone with his mom. He put it on the speaker for me to hear. She was raving on about our sinful lives and how god doesn't tolerate that. She also blamed me for him being gay LOL.
I'm a resident engineer managing a construction project worth about $50 mil. I'm a home owner.
And no, I'm not a dirty old man haha. I'm 30.
It might surprise you to learn that, on the surface, I agree with your boyfriend's parents. I'm a Christian, and I know very well what the Bible says about homosexuality. However, where they lose me is their completely hypocritical stance. If being gay is enough for them to kick their son out of the house, why isn't having sex outside of wedlock (what the King James Version calls "fornication") enough for them to kick their daughter out? In addition, their demonstrated lack of love for their own son is very troublesome, given the Biblical admonition that one who does not provide for their own family is worse than an unbeliever.
Sadly, these folks are not the first to not live their lives in accordance with the message that they espouse; nor will they be the last. In some manner or another, we're all guilty of that. But they do seem to be more blatant about it than many.
But here's some food for thought, perhaps: were you with your boyfriend when they kicked him out? They may not have taken too kindly to a man 10 years older than their son -- who was age 15 at the time -- taking an interest in him. This, perhaps more than the gay angle, may have poisoned their view of you, and by extension their son.
Or maybe not. I don't know, I wasn't there. Sorry for going off-topic into areas that are not my business.
Anyway, none of this is what you asked advice for. You want to know how you can help your boyfriend's sisters lead productive lives and make good choices, and I will echo the other posters who say that your setting an example of what this looks like is indeed very helpful. As you've probably noticed, many poor people are poor because of an unwillingness or inability to delay gratification and make good choices. Lack of money isn't really the problem, it's a lack of goals and a lack of foresight on how to reach them. Sister 2 is a glaring example of this: she simply cannot look ahead to see how having a baby in her current condition would pretty much guarantee that she would be mired in poverty and dysfunction pretty much for the rest of her life.
The fact that you want to help her (and Sister 1), and the fact that you (presumably) are a major factor in guiding your boyfriend towards a brighter future, speaks very well of you. Please keep doing what you're doing . . . but please be careful to not let yourself and your boyfriend get dragged down in the process.
Sister #2 sees the attention, status, and govt. benefits that sister #1 gets from having a baby and wants that for herself. She is blind to all of the negatives. In the cycle of poverty, many cannot see a way out. For those who feel stuck in poverty, they think having a child is their only "solution".
The sister with the baby has no status or benefits as described by the OP. She lives in a cramped apartment with crazy drunk parents and her baby. No one has mentioned anything about government checks or about the older sister having anything to brag about. I'm guessing she gets some food stamps (maybe WIC) and perhaps medicare for the baby, that's about it.
It sounds more like the younger sister doesn't want to work, she wants to stay home and play happy homemaker to a baby while her boyfriend continues to work 2 jobs. If anything, she sounds absolutely clueless about how much cash it actually takes to raise a child and run a household. She thinks she can have a baby and they will be a family just like that, all her problems will go away. She is naive because she's never actually seen a functional family up close. It takes more work than she is prepared for. She likely only knows what she sees on TV, she may just want out of her chaotic environment and thinks staring a new family of her own is the way to do it.
Part of me seeking help is trying to understand what goes on in that head of hers. I can't fathom for the life of me what's so great about having kids that would make their lives better or solve all their problems.
It's a persistent problem in poor communities that a girl feels unloved by her mother and abandoned by her father; so she seeks to have a kid because (1) she figures the "baby daddy" will love her because he had a kid by her, (2) she figures at least she'll get love from the baby, even if she gets it nowhere else, and (3) she'll get government benefits. Very short-term thinking, and it completely ignores the evidence to the contrary (for the first two points, anyway) that is all around them.
But as I alluded to before, one of the major character traits that separates poor people from middle-class and wealthy people is the ability to delay gratification, and the ability to look beyond the immediate moment.
As for the solution, I wish I could give you an answer.
I think that you sound like some really nice and compassionate people. And, I totally understand the need to want to help the girls. I am in a similar situation with a niece and I have often said that I wish I can just swoop in there and take her back to our house and let her start over in a new place with a good support system. Unfortunately.....that is not the way it works.
I don't know where you live but do you have any programs in the area for young girls without a direction in their life? Like a career center or an organization that caters to her age group and demographic that can help with mentoring or education? You certainly can't make her go but these places may show her the other options she has available to her. Maybe if she knew that there was another way out she wouldn't be in such a rush to have a baby.
I can't imagine living in those conditions all the time without any light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe that is what the baby is to her.....the light. When you don't have a lot to look forward to in your life, you start to make things to look forward to. I sincerely hope that she does not go forward with this plan until she and her boyfriend are stable and financially able to support a special needs child.
I think that the best you can do is to continue to be in her life and provide the support you have been giving all along. See if there are any more qualified people out there that would be willing to intervene and change her path in life. Don't let them move in......chances are if you do that you will have a baby to support this time next year.
I wish you the best of luck and I hope that they see how much you care. I am rooting for you!
Why sister #2 believes that bringing a baby into that mess is a good idea is a mystery. Clearly, it didn't work for sister #1.
Is sister #1 getting a monthly check for the baby? Do they realize she will be "sanctioned off benefits" within a short time? Five years is the absolute maximum and most are sanctioned off long before that. The goal is to get women out there working.
Many women in unfortunate circumstances imagine that a baby will give them financial independence. They dream of being stay-at-home moms on someone else's dime. Those days are long gone.
Alas, there is no cure for stupid.
This is the point that so many young, unfit mothers reach and say "time for another baby!"
You cannot save other adults from themselves. You cannot take responsibility for anyone's actions but your own.
All you can do in this situation is be kind, and model wise decisions and a more responsible lifestyle. Listen to them and offer advice when they ask for it or if the situation seems open.
That's all I've got.
By the way, I agree with the earlier poster who stated that nothing about this family seems particularly "Christian" or "moral." Words and actions are two totally different things and actions speak louder than words. As a Christian, I don't really care to be lumped into the same category as this particular family when it comes to lifestyle choices.
Many Christians today don't act Christian or "moral"-- Don't take offense, I believe OP was just letting you see the situation through his eyes.
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