Friend Losses After Family and Job Loss - Draft of "Holiday" Greeting to Erstwhile and Current Friends (boyfriend, reunion)
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I repped this post. At last someone who "gets it."
I had thought of this "New Years" greeting since calling gives the other person the full opportunity to hang up first, or to say that they've got an urgent bout of hunger, being tired, having to go somewhere or just any excuse. This person has an IQ north of 160 and he knows that my next call (unless it's a year or so from now) is going to be acridly unpleasant.
So one person gives your plan a sort of validation, and it's a go? People give what they want, not what anybody thinks they have the right to demand. Friendships do best under equitable circumstances. You are not on equal footing with those you want to shame, and calling them out in the manner you plan will not make a whit of difference. If, by chance, one of them contacts you, that is the time to let them know they have hurt you. I'd hang up on you also, because when my friends have been in need, I reached out. If I didn't, it's because I didn't consider them a friend.
So one person gives your plan a sort of validation, and it's a go? People give what they want, not what anybody thinks they have the right to demand. Friendships do best under equitable circumstances. You are not on equal footing with those you want to shame, and calling them out in the manner you plan will not make a whit of difference. If, by chance, one of them contacts you, that is the time to let them know they have hurt you. I'd hang up on you also, because when my friends have been in need, I reached out. If I didn't, it's because I didn't consider them a friend.
And sometimes friendships become one sided.
Just because you have been there for friends in need, doesn't mean everyone is.
Many times when someone suffers a job loss, or a serious illness, so called "friends" distance themselves or vanish, many times these are people the person going through the troubling time considered a close friend, and has been there for that person, only to find out it isn't reciprocated.
So what you say may pertain to you, but not to the OP or to others.
Just because you have been there for friends in need, doesn't mean everyone is.
Many times when someone suffers a job loss, or a serious illness, so called "friends" distance themselves or vanish, many times these are people the person going through the troubling time considered a close friend, and has been there for that person, only to find out it isn't reciprocated.
So what you say may pertain to you, but not to the OP or to others.
I can't rep again but clearly you get it. I highlighted the most applicable. There have been previous situations on both sides where there has been need. About 3/4 of the times he's been there and 100% of the time I've been there. This one is the most perplexing since prior episodes of my need were somewhat my fault; not this time around.
The majority of posters have advised "letting it go" in one form or another, or referred to my response as "whiny." I'd like to see how many of them part with close friends or family with equal grace when they themselves suffer losses. I'm sure not so much.
You don't need to forgive or forget that they weren't there for you, but you should accept that they haven't fulfilled your idea of a friendship. I just don't get the point of the holiday shaming letter. If you want to clear the air, and keep these people in your life, that is not the way to do it. If you don't care to see them again, why bother?
I can't rep again but clearly you get it. I highlighted the most applicable. There have been previous situations on both sides where there has been need. About 3/4 of the times he's been there and 100% of the time I've been there. This one is the most perplexing since prior episodes of my need were somewhat my fault; not this time around.
The majority of posters have advised "letting it go" in one form or another, or referred to my response as "whiny." I'd like to see how many of them part with close friends or family with equal grace when they themselves suffer losses. I'm sure not so much.
This happens to EVERYONE. Friendships ebb and flow. Its called life. People make new friends and lose old ones. Sometimes you have friends for your entire life, some friends, not so much. The difference is most people realize that friends move on and go different ways and just let it go. With you whining and wanting to make a big issue of it, you just make yourself look juvenile and petty. You also let those who moved on without you realize that they made a really good decision.
To be specific, the occasion came when he picked up the check for the lunch despite my repeated statements that the check should be split. This was just before Thanksgiving. I had gotten notice a few months earlier that my job was up at the end of the year. I said "you're acting as if you feel sorry for me and I don't appreciate that kind of sympathy." He then responded that he "didn't understand why I would say that" and that he was "very proud to have me as one of his friends."
You seem very hard to please. Your friend offers to pay lunch and you get offended. Now your friend is dealing with his/her daughters wedding (which can be stressful itself) and you are offended because they don't have time for you and now you want to write this petty Holiday note. Maybe you have so much stress at this time you are overly sensitive?
The majority of posters have advised "letting it go" in one form or another, or referred to my response as "whiny." I'd like to see how many of them part with close friends or family with equal grace when they themselves suffer losses. I'm sure not so much.
I just let a 15-year friendship with my best friend go. Yes, it hurt, but that person was toxic and no longer wanted in my life. It's been 3 months now and she runs around saying I'm a liar and that the reasons I gave for punting her to the curb are nonsense, but my REAL friends know the truth.
Bottom line, if you send out your little "Crappy New Year" letter to everyone, calling out those who have supposedly "wronged you", then you will lose not only respect, but probably some other friends, too, because you have made yourself look like a fool.
There are many on C-D who do not understand that. Many, though not all of them see little reason to mourn the end of a 43 year friendship. I suspect that many don't have such friendships. To many of them, a "friend" is defined by the same meaning as a "Facebook Friend." Those kinds of "friendships" are easily made, easily forgotten.
There are many on C-D who do not understand that. Many, though not all of them see little reason to mourn the end of a 43 year friendship. I suspect that many don't have such friendships. To many of them, a "friend" is defined by the same meaning as a "Facebook Friend." Those kinds of "friendships" are easily made, easily forgotten.
For a 43 year friendship; not so much.
This has nothing to do with the fact that you want to put your dirty laundry out there to everyone you know to try to get back at that person. Regardless of how many years you've known them, it is immature, childish, and will put YOU in the bad light, not them.
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