Friend Losses After Family and Job Loss - Draft of "Holiday" Greeting to Erstwhile and Current Friends (relatives, acquaintance)
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I repped this post. At last someone who "gets it."
I had thought of this "New Years" greeting since calling gives the other person the full opportunity to hang up first, or to say that they've got an urgent bout of hunger, being tired, having to go somewhere or just any excuse. This person has an IQ north of 160 and he knows that my next call (unless it's a year or so from now) is going to be acridly unpleasant.
Why not write a letter directly to this person telling him how you feel?
I agree that it's better to state your feelings than to hold them in. Your friend did not treat you right. This is a long-time friend who you thought would be there for you in bad times. It must be painful to realize that's not the case.
Last edited by Mightyqueen801; 08-23-2015 at 10:53 AM..
If I got an email like that I would cut the person off too. It sounds very petty and small. I would have no doubt about its punitive but passive-aggressive intention. No one needs to feed into such negativity.
Why not write a letter directly to this person telling him how you feel?
The problem with him is that even when things are going well he reads e-mails very fast and often overlooks most of what's present. Especially if it's unpleasant. For example one of the precipitants of my anger was when he responded to my inquiry about his daughter's employment but not the part that my stepfather of over 40 years (who he knew and liked) had died.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801
I agree that it's better to state your feelings than to hold them in. Your friend did not treat you right. This is a long-time friend who you thought would be there for you in bad times. It must be painful to realize that's not the case.
Again nothing is simple. He has been there for some much worse times. But that is one of his weaknesses. Even when we first met and my dad died two months later, I didn't mention it to him until 7 months later. My gut instinct at the time was that he would not handle adversity well. He was surprised his wife was supportive when his own two parents died 14 months apart.
Quote:
Originally Posted by zentropa
If I got an email like that I would cut the person off too. It sounds very petty and small. I would have no doubt about its punitive but passive-aggressive intention. No one needs to feed into such negativity.
There are one or two others in the target group. I may reword the e-mail to read "Happy New Year, for those I still talk to and those I don't." Or maybe "Happy New Year, even to those too busy to talk."
The problem with him is that even when things are going well he reads e-mails very fast and often overlooks most of what's present. Especially if it's unpleasant. For example one of the precipitants of my anger was when he responded to my inquiry about his daughter's employment but not the part that my stepfather of over 40 years (who he knew and liked) had died.
Again nothing is simple. He has been there for some much worse times. But that is one of his weaknesses. Even when we first met and my dad died two months later, I didn't mention it to him until 7 months later. My gut instinct at the time was that he would not handle adversity well. He was surprised his wife was supportive when his own two parents died 14 months apart.
There are one or two others in the target group. I may reword the e-mail to read "Happy New Year, for those I still talk to and those I don't." Or maybe "Happy New Year, even to those too busy to talk."
OK, what do you hope will be the outcome of that letter? That this friend (and others as may be in the target group) will see it and see themselves? Or just for your own catharsis, as someone else said?
Sometimes people are just not going to see themselves. I moved to an area about sixty miles from where I'd always lived for economic reasons. I knew about the area because I had one long-time friend who lived down here. I assumed that I would see more of her once I lived here. However, she has a boyfriend (who is actually married to someone else--it's complicated), and I discovered that I could not get her to hang out with me, or even with "the girls", without him.
She would invite me to parties and barbecues, but after a few times I realized that I was ALWAYS the only single person present. It was her neighbors and friends from her neighborhood, and it was all couples. It is embarrassing and sad to always be the only single person at a social event. People in relationships look at you as if you're The Thing They Fear Could Happen To Them. I told her that I'd love to do other things with her, but I wouldn't be attending any more of her couples parties. The only time I heard from her after that was at 1 a.m. one night when she called, sobbing, saying she was feeling suicidal and asked if she could come over. I sat up with her until 4 a.m. and talked until she felt better, then went back to bed for an hour before getting up for work. Didn't hear from her again for months.
Meanwhile, I began to make other friends, including the woman I described some months ago on here in my "stalker neighbor" thread, lol. Well, last week, I heard from the old friend out of the blue. She was hanging out with another woman, no couples, in her backyard and asked me to come over. I had a great time, and I was regaling them with stories of my stalker-neighbor friend, and I mentioned, "But she really is a good-hearted person, just a bit intrusive and unaware of her boundaries and needs to be managed, but I started to hang out with her because I had no one else to do things with."
Well, the old friend bristled at that, and said sarcastically, "Oh, you couldn't have just called ME if you wanted to do something?" I was astounded that she didn't seem to remember this whole thing where she wouldn't hang out unless her boyfriend and a bunch of other couples were involved. But, I let it go. And come to think of it, she didn't mention the boyfriend once. Hmmm. Wonder what's up with that.
Anyway, she clearly didn't see things from my point of view. I was new to the area and could have used a friend in that first lonely year, but she wasn't available, and she doesn't seem to understand that this is how I saw it.
Don't you care about how your actual friends (the ones who will also receive this passive little attack letter) will perceive you? I think you will start shedding friends at a rather fast clip afterwards.
It does remind me of those public FB rants about "cleaning up my friends list." I remove them myself because I loathe drama queens.
Don't you care about how your actual friends (the ones who will also receive this passive little attack letter) will perceive you? I think you will start shedding friends at a rather fast clip afterwards.
It does remind me of those public FB rants about "cleaning up my friends list." I remove them myself because I loathe drama queens.
Reminded me: My friend put a message on her home phone voicemail. It says, "We're not taking calls at the moment because we are making some changes in our lives right now. If we don't call you back, you're one of the changes."
I'm a fairly "light" FB user. Can't say I NEVER go on, but I'm not on daily and I don't post pictures of my lunch or anything. I've never seen a message like that, but I think I'd react the same way as you. Sounds like silly, junior-high stuff.
I've never seen a message like that, but I think I'd react the same way as you. Sounds like silly, junior-high stuff.
Speaking of "junior high" our 40th high school reunion is coming up. I have tentatively decided not to attend. Two of those people who I am referencing in this discussion are in attendance. One of them (not the one who most of this thread is about) simply wouldn't talk at all during the 1995 reunion and said hello but wouldn't substantively talk during 2005. He accepted a "Facebook friend" request after it sat there for three months.
I looked at the RSVP list and surprisingly, the subject of the thread is going to attend. I do not want to discuss this matter at the reunion and I don't want to wear a friendly facade either.
Yet a third person, not really of the "friend" variety but more a close acquaintance (who cheated at some poker games in which I was in attendance) is coming. We had a nasty public exchange just before one of our mutual friends poisoned himself to death during 2011. I saw him at the "celebration" of that person's life and could barely keep a recent meal down.
Speaking of "junior high" our 40th high school reunion is coming up. I have tentatively decided not to attend. Two of those people who I am referencing in this discussion are in attendance. One of them (not the one who most of this thread is about) simply wouldn't talk at all during the 1995 reunion and said hello but wouldn't substantively talk during 2005. He accepted a "Facebook friend" request after it sat there for three months.
I looked at the RSVP list and surprisingly, the subject of the thread is going to attend. I do not want to discuss this matter at the reunion and I don't want to wear a friendly facade either.
Yet a third person, not really of the "friend" variety but more a close acquaintance (who cheated at some poker games in which I was in attendance) is coming. We had a nasty public exchange just before one of our mutual friends poisoned himself to death during 2011. I saw him at the "celebration" of that person's life and could barely keep a recent meal down.
I'm out of high school 40 years next year. I doubt I'll attend a reunion if there is one. I had a "best friend" in high school who moved out west. I visited her once, and we kept in touch sporadically and always said we had to keep in touch more. She came back to be in my wedding and for the 20-year reunion, but I haven't seen her otherwise.
Then 9/11 happened. I'm a WTC survivor, and I didn't hear from her until a year or after the attacks. We ended up having an email exchange around the first anniversary, and I mentioned that it had been a rough year but we were moving forward or whatever, and her response was "Well, I really don't want to talk about that. My parents moved out here a few months after the attacks because they don't want to be near New York City anymore. Out here we don't want to have to worry about that stuff."
Well, good for you. I didn't have the choice. But at least I know what you're made of, and it's a kind of shallow and cheesy material.
Speaking of "junior high" our 40th high school reunion is coming up. I have tentatively decided not to attend. Two of those people who I am referencing in this discussion are in attendance. One of them (not the one who most of this thread is about) simply wouldn't talk at all during the 1995 reunion and said hello but wouldn't substantively talk during 2005. He accepted a "Facebook friend" request after it sat there for three months.
I looked at the RSVP list and surprisingly, the subject of the thread is going to attend. I do not want to discuss this matter at the reunion and I don't want to wear a friendly facade either.
Yet a third person, not really of the "friend" variety but more a close acquaintance (who cheated at some poker games in which I was in attendance) is coming. We had a nasty public exchange just before one of our mutual friends poisoned himself to death during 2011. I saw him at the "celebration" of that person's life and could barely keep a recent meal down.
Then 9/11 happened. I'm a WTC survivor, and I didn't hear from her until a year or after the attacks. We ended up having an email exchange around the first anniversary, and I mentioned that it had been a rough year but we were moving forward or whatever, and her response was "Well, I really don't want to talk about that. My parents moved out here a few months after the attacks because they don't want to be near New York City anymore. Out here we don't want to have to worry about that stuff."
Well, good for you. I didn't have the choice. But at least I know what you're made of, and it's a kind of shallow and cheesy material.
Unfortunately many people don't want to talk about certain subjects. For example my (probably former) friend's father served in WW II. Most honorably, after the war he was tasked with training an army unit. His commanding general ordered him to racially segregate the unit. That was morally despicable and against Truman's then recent order desegregating the Army. My friend's father asked the general to put the order in writing and he backed down.
That story was never told until my friend put it in his father's obituary to spare his father discussion of WW II. Another close acquaintance's family fled Nazi Germany for Australia, leaving on January 1, 1939. When I asked about the family experience he supplied me with one of three manuscripts his family had written, rather than discussing it. I asked for the other two, which he supplied. About 125 pages of spellbinding reading. But he doesn't want to discuss it.
That is a common reaction.
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