Are You a Hugger? (boyfriend, siblings, children, kiss)
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I like hugging, but if someone seems like they might not want one, I won't try to hug them. In fact, I rarely initiate hugs unless I know a person well because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. But it wasn't until I joined CD that I read threads like this and found out that so many people have a strong aversion to hugging. I find that a little odd, but then again people seem to have valid reasons for feeling that way, so I don't have a problem with their preferences. So, hugs to my fellow huggers! And to everyone else, a nod and a smile!
I think there may be a bigger percentage of non huggers on the internet than in "real" life.
I don't like being hugged by women I do not know well. For that matter, I do not like being touched by women I do not know well. I have what one woman (who may touch it if she wishes) describes as a 'kingly beard,' and it appalls me that women I have just met think it acceptable to reach in and play with it. I don't like shaking hands with women, not one bit. I will, of course, because I am not rude, but I won't be the one who puts his hand out. I'll be the one who takes her hand, pretending ease because courtesy demands that I must, but deep down is uncomfortable and wishes she had not.
Part of it is that there is a pattern of men finding excuses to touch women in creepy ways, and I refuse to be a part of that, and it has bred in me a sense that I too have a personal space that may not justly be invaded. Part of it is simply that I am devoted to my wife, and do not like random touches by women not my wife. My wife may touch me in any way unless I say "no," but other women may not.
I suppose it's considered sexist of me not to just let the women do whatever they want to me, but I've come to the conclusion that nothing I can ever do will make me non-sexist, so I stopped caring about the label. If respecting women's personal space and privacy (and expecting the same in return) takes me to a sexist place, fine, because I'm not going to change that. If that makes me more worthy of condemnation as an MCP than the guys who hit on every woman they meet, that's fine too. Deep down, I think they only say it to me because they think I would bother to listen. They're wrong. I'm no longer listening. I gave up. I'm sexist and cannot ever not be. There is no point striving for a non-sexism I cannot achieve. Nothing I have done to combat domestic violence and sexual assault can help. Nothing I have done to help women empower themselves can help. I don't want to shake hands, I'm a sexist, I get it.
Of course, as a white (a race I did not choose) male (a gender I did not choose) of the oppressor class, I'm not entitled to feelings. I get that. Others' feelings matter and mine do not. I forfeited the right to feelings at birth (an action I did not choose).
I don't like being hugged by women I do not know well. For that matter, I do not like being touched by women I do not know well. ...
Part of it is that there is a pattern of men finding excuses to touch women in creepy ways, and I refuse to be a part of that, and it has bred in me a sense that I too have a personal space that may not justly be invaded. Part of it is simply that I am devoted to my wife, and do not like random touches by women not my wife. My wife may touch me in any way unless I say "no," but other women may not.
...
Of course, as a white (a race I did not choose) male (a gender I did not choose) of the oppressor class, I'm not entitled to feelings. I get that. Others' feelings matter and mine do not. I forfeited the right to feelings at birth (an action I did not choose).
I realized this is an online forum so the trivial has a way of being magnified but you might want to relieve yourself of those oversized chips you seem to be carrying about the opposite sex/your privilege. Interactions between humans on earth has yet to be standardized and its all just part of participating in the social order.
I realized this is an online forum so the trivial has a way of being magnified but you might want to relieve yourself of those oversized chips you seem to be carrying about the opposite sex/your privilege. Interactions between humans on earth has yet to be standardized and its all just part of participating in the social order.
I am not the only one who carries chips. Women have every right to be very fatigued of catcalls, random sexual harassment, and an overblown focus on appearance. If that bothers them, fair enough, because I can see why it would. Black Americans are bothered by the high likelihood that the police will kill them for a stupid reason, and rightly so. Other things bother me, personally. I have realized, though, that my accidents of birth forfeited for me the right to feelings, and that to suggest that I still have them anyway will be classed as a 'chip.' Thank you for reminding me of what my birth accidents forfeited.
I have a few friends who not only hug, but also give me a peck on the cheek. I was not raised in a touchy-feely family and it took me a bit to get used to friends that are huggers. Over the past ten or so years I've gone from tolerating hugs to saying to friends who I haven't seen in a while "What? No hug?"
I don't like being hugged by women I do not know well. For that matter, I do not like being touched by women I do not know well. I have what one woman (who may touch it if she wishes) describes as a 'kingly beard,' and it appalls me that women I have just met think it acceptable to reach in and play with it. I don't like shaking hands with women, not one bit. I will, of course, because I am not rude, but I won't be the one who puts his hand out. I'll be the one who takes her hand, pretending ease because courtesy demands that I must, but deep down is uncomfortable and wishes she had not.
Part of it is that there is a pattern of men finding excuses to touch women in creepy ways, and I refuse to be a part of that, and it has bred in me a sense that I too have a personal space that may not justly be invaded. Part of it is simply that I am devoted to my wife, and do not like random touches by women not my wife. My wife may touch me in any way unless I say "no," but other women may not.
I suppose it's considered sexist of me not to just let the women do whatever they want to me, but I've come to the conclusion that nothing I can ever do will make me non-sexist, so I stopped caring about the label. If respecting women's personal space and privacy (and expecting the same in return) takes me to a sexist place, fine, because I'm not going to change that. If that makes me more worthy of condemnation as an MCP than the guys who hit on every woman they meet, that's fine too. Deep down, I think they only say it to me because they think I would bother to listen. They're wrong. I'm no longer listening. I gave up. I'm sexist and cannot ever not be. There is no point striving for a non-sexism I cannot achieve. Nothing I have done to combat domestic violence and sexual assault can help. Nothing I have done to help women empower themselves can help. I don't want to shake hands, I'm a sexist, I get it.
Of course, as a white (a race I did not choose) male (a gender I did not choose) of the oppressor class, I'm not entitled to feelings. I get that. Others' feelings matter and mine do not. I forfeited the right to feelings at birth (an action I did not choose).
You know, if you are going to flaunt your 'Kingly Beard' in front of everyone, you need to expect women are going to reach for it. Try a little modesty next time, you he-harlot, and stop blaming women for doing what comes natural. If you don't like their reaction, you can tuck your beard into a turtleneck sweater. I have even heard of great success having excess beard growth removed, albeit on a temporary basis.
Maybe I'm not reading enough into your post, but did this woman who you were sitting next to hug you or not? What do you mean when you say she was waving her arms in front of you? Have you considered that she may have bumped your arms with hers because she was already inebriated and couldn't really control her movements well, not because she was actively trying to force contact?
She didn't hug me. She was already sitting at the table when we got there, and my wife suggested I sit next to her. She didn't seem drunk when we got there but got tipsy as the night progressed. The arm waving wasn't the main issue; it was the fact she kept rubbing her arm against mine. At the end of the evening her thigh even touched mine a couple of times. I started the thread about hugging because I wondered if the not being a hugger might have something to do with my discomfort. I don't know if this has anything to do with her behavior, but my wife and I are a lesbian couple, and this is generally known among our circle of acquaintances.
The lady also suggested we get together socially at another time, and my wife politely dismissed her suggestion. When we got up to leave, she reached out her hand to grab mine, and I pulled back. Afterward, we talked to our friend who had invited us, and she told us "Linda is a very strange person. I wouldn't have wanted to sit next to her all night either." But there were only two open spots left at the table.
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,700 posts, read 41,742,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rugrats2001
You know, if you are going to flaunt your 'Kingly Beard' in front of everyone, you need to expect women are going to reach for it. Try a little modesty next time, you he-harlot, and stop blaming women for doing what comes natural. If you don't like their reaction, you can tuck your beard into a turtleneck sweater. I have even heard of great success having excess beard growth removed, albeit on a temporary basis.
Good luck in your struggle!
I would equate beard touching with touching a woman's hair. Completely unacceptable without permission.
I don't mind hugging.. Well except for my b/f's uncle. You have to practically pry him off and then have someone slap you on the back to get your boobs popped back out to where they belong. Lol
This is a real life problem though and many families accept the behavior.
I don't want to be hugged from anyone outside of my immediate family. I tolerate hugs from elderly friends, sometimes.
I don't think one should have to become used to hugging for the benefit of other people.
She didn't hug me. She was already sitting at the table when we got there, and my wife suggested I sit next to her. She didn't seem drunk when we got there but got tipsy as the night progressed. The arm waving wasn't the main issue; it was the fact she kept rubbing her arm against mine. At the end of the evening her thigh even touched mine a couple of times. I started the thread about hugging because I wondered if the not being a hugger might have something to do with my discomfort. I don't know if this has anything to do with her behavior, but my wife and I are a lesbian couple, and this is generally known among our circle of acquaintances.
The lady also suggested we get together socially at another time, and my wife politely dismissed her suggestion. When we got up to leave, she reached out her hand to grab mine, and I pulled back. Afterward, we talked to our friend who had invited us, and she told us "Linda is a very strange person. I wouldn't have wanted to sit next to her all night either." But there were only two open spots left at the table.
Thank you for the added clarity. I would think that the irritation of the undesired touching by your seat mate may have more do with her excessive familiarity to you and her violation of your personal space than your normal disdain of vacuous physical contact.
At least with hugging, you can fend off the advances one way or another. This sounds more like being stuck in an airplane next to to a clueless 'new friend' who fills both her space and yours. You can take small solace in knowing that she is probably used to 'spilling over' into other's space, doesn't even know it's a problem, and thought of her contact with you not at all.
My solution? Next time get there early, and stake out the seat at the end of the table, next to your wife.
Oh, and I doubt that this has anything to do with your orientation. It sounds more like casual thoughtlessness than anything.
Last edited by rugrats2001; 08-31-2015 at 08:36 AM..
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