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Really interesting peoples different takes on this. It sounds like to op was mean to her in HS. The op doesn't dispute this, saying she feels badly about it. I don't understand why people are blaming the SIL. People often carry mistreatment in HS for many years. Why would she want to be friends with someone who wouldn't give her the time of day back then?
OK, as someone who had a perfectly miserable HS life, I have to say that you can carry your unhappiness around with you or you can figure out how to be happy. I chose the latter way. And I didn't exactly have anyone to guide me through this either.
You make choices. You figure out that people don't like other people who are bitter. You decide you want to be liked, so you make sure to change your attitude and speech. You notice that hard workers are respected more than slackers. So you become a hard worker. You notice the way other women dress, and you are influenced by that as well. You discover you are passive aggressive, and you try really hard to change.
People don't have to carry bitterness over HS experiences around with them. Doing so is a choice. And it makes them and everyone around them miserable.
OK, as someone who had a perfectly miserable HS life, I have to say that you can carry your unhappiness around with you or you can figure out how to be happy. I chose the latter way. And I didn't exactly have anyone to guide me through this either.
You make choices. You figure out that people don't like other people who are bitter. You decide you want to be liked, so you make sure to change your attitude and speech. You notice that hard workers are respected more than slackers. So you become a hard worker. You notice the way other women dress, and you are influenced by that as well. You discover you are passive aggressive, and you try really hard to change.
People don't have to carry bitterness over HS experiences around with them. Doing so is a choice. And it makes them and everyone around them miserable.
Easier said than done. I bet you aren't faced with a mean girl/bully from HS at every family function.
I have a brother I wont speak to to this day - 40 years now - because he tried to sexually assault me when I was 8.
No one believed me then, no one believes me now.
He's a Christian School Principal. Somehow he wont forgive me either for my Hellish ways so we're even.
She was sexually assaulted by an uncle which is why she developed the hygiene issue (so he wouldn't touch her- her exact words) . I didn't know that then neither did my husband. No one did except her mother.
My husband has 7 siblings and I get along with most of them really well except one. His sister and I are the same age and went to H.S together. I started dating my husband jr year of school. We had a really rocky start since even though I would come by the house a lot I never spoke to her when in school. I feel really bad a bout it now I could of said something when people teased her or even acknowledge that I knew her but I didn't. But I tried a whole lot to be nicer to her when I was college and even more after we got married. I thought we had grown to friends somewhat.
We have always had some awkwardness around each other but put it aside because we have a mutual friend. The mutual friend is my best friend and much closer to me; however, knew her longer. This had caused quite a bit of problems. Sometimes she would make comments about me to my friend and my friend would bring it back to me and correct her. They had a huge falling out recently because they had a fight about me and it has made family functions very uncomfortable as she glares at me. Also she told my husband that its my fault that they are no longer friends.
I don't even understand the animosity almost 9 years later. My husband and my other sister -in law treated her worse they wouldn't even speak to her or admit they were related in H.S. They never apologized for there behavior. I have apologized and made huge efforts to befriend her. I invited her to my family functions (from my side) and events. Invited her on trips and picked her up countless times because she doesn't have a car. I even helped her with her classes in college. I don't understand why she would still make mean comments to MY friend of all the people she could have. She still lives at home and there have been a few times I have called over there to leave a message for my husband ( he goes over to help his mom who is sick) and she never gives him the message I called.
I have stopped trying to be her friend and I do speak to two other sister- in laws on a daily basis (more because we have children and live with in a 15min distance from each other). The oldest sister doesn't live close but I go and visit her a few times a year and she comes up her as well. I do feel bad about the situation and have tired my best to make up for it. I tried to start a conversation this past family dinner. I ordered a dress from overseas cost me 90$ and would cost quite a bit to ship it back. The dress came way to big. I offered her the dress not mentioning it was to big. I just said it didn't quite fit and it would be huge hassle to send it back and did she want it. She then yelled at me for calling her overweight. His oldest sister then took the dress no problem. I just don't understand.
Don't bother anymore. She hates you for some reason and frankly, she's got mental issues from the sound of your post...
She was sexually assaulted by an uncle which is why she developed the hygiene issue (so he wouldn't touch her- her exact words) . I didn't know that then neither did my husband. No one did except her mother.
This is terrible and if she hasn't gotten therapy and tried to work it out she needs to.
That being said you are tied to her at a very difficult time in her life. She was being sexual abused by a family member and when she went to school her siblings and you ignored her and were unkind to her. Her feelings towards you are about more than just you. It's probably hard for her to be around you and be reminded of high school and what was going on then.
At this point I would let it be. She knows you're open to a relationship if she wants one with you. Leave the ball in her court.
Easier said than done. I bet you aren't faced with a mean girl/bully from HS at every family function.
Oh, I've been bullied, even as an adult. But the point is, the OP apologized and tried to make it right. I am not saying that things should be easy and wonderful between them now, but the SIL seems to want to carry her hate through her whole life, even when it impacts her family. And HS is over. I understand totally that her experience was traumatic, but it is over. And we aren't even sure she was bullied. OP says she ignored her. That's not bullying.
I've posted my last on this. OP has not come back, so I am beginning to doubt that she was sincerely interested in fixing this. Whatever, I've said my piece.
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