Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Face it, your Mom is not a nice person. She is unreasonable, over emotional, vindictive, the list goes on and on.
You've done the right thing.
She is making a bad situation worse, which is exactly what she wants to do.
If you need to, go to counseling to your emotional state.
__________________ ____________________________________________
My posts as a Mod will always be in red.
Be sure to review Terms of Service: TOS
And check this out: FAQ
Moderator: Relationships Forum / Hawaii Forum / Dogs / Pets / Current Events
You and your wife need to sit down with your children and talk with them about how living with your family is not working out and Grandma is moving into her own apartment. Explain that this is a difficult time for their grandmother and that it would be best to give her some space and to take whatever she says with a grain of salt.
Then limit her contact with the kids. Explain that this is a matter between the adults.
Talk to an attorney ASAP. If your mother is as vindictive as she sounds, she has likely already contacted an attorney herself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43
Face it, your Mom is not a nice person. She is unreasonable, over emotional, vindictive, the list goes on and on.
You've done the right thing.
She is making a bad situation worse, which is exactly what she wants to do.
If you need to, go to counseling to your emotional state.
Excellent advice from these posters.
While many of us suggested senior apartments or a senior living complex for your mom, if your mom wants to live in a regular apartment just let her make that decision on her own.
I am only two years younger than your mom and my husband is disabled by mild dementia and a Traumatic Brain Injury. We needed to make a sudden move this fall. After visiting a senior living apartment building I realized that the other residents were much older than my husband and me and we would not have been happy there. Now, other complexes may have been different but for us it was not the right move. We love living in a complex of mostly people in their 20s & 30, with a few families and a few people our age. While we do not socialize with anyone, everyone is very friendly and nice.
Maybe senior living is not the right move for your mom either. Maybe she will be like my friend who took up competitive ballroom dancing at age 65!
Rest assured you are doing the right thing for all involved.
When I grew up the neighbors had her mother and his father living with them. THe children were grown and gone, but the odd parents lived with them. They were senior adults with even seniorer adults.
I mentioned to my father that we were looking for a ranch that could accommodate him and My {dreaded} FIL too in the same manner. He pointedly said to me :"I don't think I could live with you two."
Now had we/if we moved My FIL in with us, it would BE OUR HOUSE, and HE'D have to abide by our rules. THAT law would be laid down first!
Your mother will lay every guilt trip she can on you. You are already wise to her. Remain wise to her and her manipulation! If she wants to be out of your life forever, it's on her, But don't let guilt eat you up.
I won't go into detail, but I once had to tell my parents something disheartening, and I learned on my own that I had to throw the ball into their court, and whatever came of it, Was on them, not me. Things worked out fine and I probably have a better relationship with my father now due to that.
So, the ball is in her court.
I suggested counseling,and others have suggested social workers,etc, GET some professional help involved. It may be best. Gettng professional help is a sign of strength, not weakness. MOH and I have joint counselling so we get away from the "my way/your way" routine where there are only two sides and never the twain shall meet. We get an outside opinion and direction of things to do to cope and soften the edges. We have been together for 15 years and want to remain that way. i have indivuidual counseling at Mental health for my mental health issues and know the value of counseling. MOH had no such option til I suggested couple's counseling. SOmething MOh resisted but attended, and now sees the value in it.
Simply Tell the children things don't always work out for people who live together,and Gma is leaving of her own accord. Tell them they will understand as they get older as they will one day want to move out away form you and mommy too. They may not believe it but will in time.
Perhaps you can arrange to see your mother on your terms, by calling her at her new residence and suggesting you bring the children by for a visit.. In time she should soften up if she wants to see the children.
Perhaps, deep down, while she throws every guilt trip at you, maybe she knows it is for the best too. SHe wants to make it NOT HER FAULT that it didn't work out, so she will blame you, "the mice in the walls", the lion in the closet",or anyone else she can, but herself of course. One is hard to admit one faield at something, so one blames anything anyone else!
You ARE doing the right thing. It is SO hard, but you are NOT wrong.
We don't get to choose our parents, and they aren't always the ideal that we wish they were. Sometimes, as you know, they aren't even very nice to be around.
Just know that this is how she operates, and you are correct that she cannot be around your kids. She is WAY way way out of line, and she has created the life she now lives. Keep enforcing that boundary. That is all you are doing. Maintain your own contact with her if you want, but keep her away from the kids.
OP, remember...this too shall pass. Right now it feels awful, but in the end when she is moved and on her own again, she will see that you were right. It's hard to bear the weight of the guilt when you have to do something like this. We went through it when we had to move MIL into assisted living, somewhat against her will (we have POA). For a month she called us every name in the book, but we knew it would pass and that she would come around. So it will happen with your mom. Be available to help her, and be as personable as possible. Let her lash out, but try to be as calm and reasonable as possible on the surface, even if you are churning inside.
Hi OP,
Don't beat yourself up. You TRIED, and it didn't work. You are not a bad son. You are a good son, father, and husband. Your first loyalty is to your wife and children.
Did you ever read the book recommended to you called Stop Walking on Eggshells? You really should. From how you describe your mother's behavior, it sounds like Borderline Personality Disorder. It's not a mental illness, it's a personality disorder, and it's more common than you'd imagine. Treatment is difficult, because people who have it typically think it's everyone else who has a problem. They are experts at manipulation and playing victim. They burn a lot of bridges through their life. They are often treat those closest to them the worst. It is NOT your fault.
There are support groups for family members such as BPDFamily.com - Boards that can help you both heal and deal with your mother.
OP, I think you're handling this just right. You were right to bring it up again and you were right to continue to offer to help her. She's angry and hurt right now but I bet she'll be much happier when she's in her own space. You just keep making overtures and eventually she'll come around.
Don't worry too much about what she says to your children. Talk to them in an age-appropriate way and explain what's going on. Tell them that Grandma may be acting weird and maybe even ugly in the next few weeks but it's because she's upset. Your kids will see that you're not being mean and they'll probably be happy when she's out of there. It's a great opportunity to show them that people can be very unhappy with each other but still love each other. You'll have a chance to model really good behavior for them.
I probably shouldn't have but I just had another conversation with her today. I wanted to give her a few days to process things as I am sure she didn't expect me to do this and didn't see things coming.
It went slightly better this time around, in that she agreed she is moving out. As she put it, "Since you hate me so much and want me gone I'm leaving." I again told her I wanted this to happen together, and that I hoped we could work together. She refused my help for the process, and informed me she is going to handle it all on her own. She is reaching out to a realtor and buying an apartment. I again discussed active senior apartments nearby and she refuses to live in one. No dates were discussed specifically, but I wanted to avoid that part of the discussion until I have had a chance to speak to an attorney (which I'm doing this week) to discuss my rights. She did insist I pay her back for the basement remodel (which I agreed to).
The attacks were there, of course. How I am a cold-hearted person who only cares for myself. How bad of a son I am. How I only care for myself. How she should have never sold her house and moved in to begin with (which she had no choice on, really, as she could not manage at the time). She told me that this was the end and I am now out of her life and that she hopes my children will one day reach out and try to get to know her. I again stressed I wanted to help her and maintain a relationship, and she outright refused.
I'm sure it's all lashing out and attempted manipulation. I made it clear that if we have no relationship it is her choice, not mine. I told her I knew it was a bad situation, but I'm willing to try to continue to be a part of her life, she refused. I feel it is all bluster and things will settle at some point.
Then she told me she was going to tell my children that I was kicking her out and I kind of lost it. I told her she was NOT to bring the children into it and if she was going to make that threat she was not allowed upstairs. She backed down on that, but I'm still worried.
Part of me wishes I had just stayed quiet, but I know I'm doing the right thing...it's just really hard to stay strong. I feel like such a ****ty person. I'm starting to think I need to sell my house and move...but I'm waiting until I can talk with an attorney, and probably a therapist.
Gosh, I'm so glad you chose to be more proactive. That part that wished you kept quiet needs to be stifled and put away-- its what your mother was expecting to capitalize on. If you choose not to engage the therapist, do at least check out the books.
Good job and good luck. Just remember to keep it moving forward.
OP, another good book to read would be People of the Lie, by M Scott Peck. I think you will find your mother, and ways to handle your relationship with her, between the covers of that book.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
