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Asperger's an autism spectrum disorder, whereas narcissism is a personality disorder.
Yes, and often when a person with Asperger's syndrome talks to you, they have learned about the one subject to the most minute detail. You might learn something when you listen to them.
I saw a thread about this a couple of weeks ago but I can't find it now, but I wanted to bring the topic as I'm running into a repeated issue with this. I have a friend (I'll call her Lisa,) an SAHM in her early 40s with two grown kids. She's a gregarious, fun loving and generous person, and invites my wife and I over to her home for frequent get togethers, along with about 10 other great people, and we are all a pretty close knit group. I have known these people about two years, and have met them all through Lisa, since her house is the usual gathering spot.
I'm having a party next week and am inviting the whole gang of friends out to a restaurant. Most of the friends are coming and it's going to be pretty fun, except for one problem: Lisa. Lisa talks. Endlessly. About herself, her family, her thoughts, her desires, her wishes, every single miniscule detail in her brain. Which would be fine if she would at least pretend to listen to other people. In the entire two years we've known each other, she knows hardly anything about my wife and I, because she never asks us anything about ourselves or anyone else. I've figured out that part of the reason she invites people to her house is so that she has a captive audience for all her monologues, and I'm so bored listening to her, I now tune out most everything she says. I feel really guilty about this, but I love all the other people in our group, and she is nice, even though she's self absorbed. But does she really like us or does she just want us to hang around and listen? I don't know.
I'm sure you guys have dealt with people like this. What did you do? Did you drop them as friends? I don't really have that as an option, because she's been friends with the others for decades, and I don't want to burn any bridges. Should I confront her nicely? Or should I just continue not listening when she talks? Interstingly, I've been tuning her out the past few times we've visited, haven't heard a thing she's said, and she hasn't even noticed
Here's a song to commemorate this thread. It keeps popping in my head whenever I think about this party:
I've learned lessons in humility by being interrupted and cut off continuously no matter what the topic. I've learned that what I say isn't really that important/earth shattering. I can keep my thoughts to myself and I don't explode. Every now and then I have to express my feelings or I will become bitter but, when in social situations, where the other people don't men that much to me, I'll happily keep it to myself. But it took me a long time to learn this.
I do love being around people who want to listen to me when I speak. I try not to speak too much, though.
I've learned lessons in humility by being interrupted and cut off continuously no matter what the topic. I've learned that what I say isn't really that important/earth shattering. I can keep my thoughts to myself and I don't explode. Every now and then I have to express my feelings or I will become bitter but, when in social situations, where the other people don't men that much to me, I'll happily keep it to myself. But it took me a long time to learn this.
I do love being around people who want to listen to me when I speak. I try not to speak too much, though.
You deserve to express your thoughts and have an good conversational exchange.
My husband's eldest (half) brother is very like that. He has to butt in every conversation just to talk about... well, HIM. It's painfully clear he's looking for attention and validation, and it's just never enough. He's pretty spiteful too and gets off putting others down while elevating himself.
One time when my husband was visiting his grandmother, the eldest brother just had to be there, invited himself in. The grandmother is my husband's, but not my BIL's gma. Just kept butting in and veering the conversation onto him. At one point, he actually physically placed himself between my husband (who's deaf) and his gma. With BIL's back to him, my husband was effectively cut out of the conversation. BIL professed to be clueless as to why my husband was severely irritated. He was still "clueless" when the gma told him that she's trying to talk to my husband as she hasn't seen him quite some time (he didn't even back down then).
Another incident that had my husband completely exasperated was when an old neighborhood kid that they had not seen in 30 years died. There was an online obituary and a section where people could leave notes about the deceased. My BIL just had to leave a note. And it was a "humblebrag" about how great his (the BIL's) daughter was and how the deceased would've just loved her. My husband was completely mortified and couldn't believe how his brother did that. The BIL didn't even like that neighborhood kid!
LOL. I'm surprised your mother is still with him. Of course there are a lot worse character defects than talking about yourself all the time, but it can make for a very lonely relationship. How can you effectively communicate with your spouse/lover if you can't talk to them? Or even if you can talk to them, they aren't really listening, they are preparing to verbally mow over your thoughts with their response or next story.
I was reading up on these nonstop talkers and professional suggest that many of them are lonely and have few social supports, in which the constant talking is somewhat understandable. If the person doesn't have anyone to talk to, one they finds someone, they're a dam that bursts because finally there is a person who might listen. That isn't the case with my friend. She has one of the strongest social support networks I have ever heard of. She is very close to her parents, her kids, her two siblings, husband, and of course she has our group and all her family and friends live in the same town.
Product of her time, I guess.
My mother's boyfriend has plenty of people in his social circle. I guess they all sit around and listen to him talk endlessly.
I had a friend like that once. She looked like a million dollars and was very friendly and intelligent - seemed to have it all. But it didn't take long for me to catch on that her only real topic of interest was herself. When I tried to talk about me I could see the disinterest (when she DID seem interested it was usually for personal gain).
We worked for the same employer. But when she moved on to another job, I did not pursue contact. I found her too self-centered and boring as Hell. She was also very litigious - always suing somebody.
I've learned lessons in humility by being interrupted and cut off continuously no matter what the topic. I've learned that what I say isn't really that important/earth shattering. I can keep my thoughts to myself and I don't explode. Every now and then I have to express my feelings or I will become bitter but, when in social situations, where the other people don't men that much to me, I'll happily keep it to myself. But it took me a long time to learn this.
I do love being around people who want to listen to me when I speak. I try not to speak too much, though.
Quote:
Originally Posted by photobuff42
You deserve to express your thoughts and have an good conversational exchange.
Correct. I'm not asking to talk about myself the whole time I'm with the group, or the majority of the time. I'm hoping my friend would ask us some things about ourselves and be genuinely interested in what's going on in our lives once in a while. I don't mind listening most of the time to everyone in our group's stories. But I like a dialogue. That makes it fun. But a dialogue it is not.
For instance, my wife was in the military many years ago. I was excited when she asked my wife about her military experiences, until I discovered that the only reason she cared about hers was to try to figure out what might happen with her daughter, who was about to be discharged after her short stint. She then launched into several long winded stories about her daughter's experiences in the military, and that was the end of her feigned interest in my wife. Realistically, I know she won't change. You guys have a lot of great suggestions, so thanks for them as well as your illuminating stories!
Quote:
Originally Posted by cpg35223
My mother's boyfriend has plenty of people in his social circle. I guess they all sit around and listen to him talk endlessly.
And so it is with her. It's not the loneliness factor. I have no clue what causes this behavior.
Correct. I'm not asking to talk about myself the whole time I'm with the group, or the majority of the time. I'm hoping my friend would ask us some things about ourselves and be genuinely interested in what's going on in our lives once in a while. I don't mind listening most of the time to everyone in our group's stories. But I like a dialogue. That makes it fun. But a dialogue it is not.
For instance, my wife was in the military many years ago. I was excited when she asked my wife about her military experiences, until I discovered that the only reason she cared about hers was to try to figure out what might happen with her daughter, who was about to be discharged after her short stint. She then launched into several long winded stories about her daughter's experiences in the military, and that was the end of her feigned interest in my wife. Realistically, I know she won't change. You guys have a lot of great suggestions, so thanks for them as well as your illuminating stories!
And so it is with her. It's not the loneliness factor. I have no clue what causes this behavior.
What you want is normal and healthy. Not always possible with some people. They have to recognize it eventually, don't they? Hopefully?
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