Parents are doing a will (father, husband, siblings, female)

[artillery77]

So, I was talking with my mother the other day on the phone for her birthday. She brings up that she bought burial insurance. A bit of a downer, but then went on to say she would be preparing a will with my father and wanted to know what I wanted. I was rather stunned, and couldn't think of anything, and told them whatever they wanted to give was up to them as its their stuff.

Now I'm wondering if my quickness hurt their feelings. To be offered all worldly possessions and have them dismissed. Alternatively, my siblings and I all move far away from them and they want to keep peace in the family, maybe they're looking for help. Both came from larger families, headed by people that made it through the depression, but struggled. Certain knick knacks were prized as money was tight.

Money was generally stayed tight as they struggled to keep us fed, housed and educated, but monetary means was the only thing our family wasn't rich in. With them there, the home is a staple for all of us to come home to, the chairs and benches home to countless conversations. I learned to play on the piano. My baseball cards still lurk in one of the closets. Dad taught me strategy over a chess board, and we poured over old coins together looking to complete every year for pennies.

However all of its value stems from it being a gathering point for the family. We've all moved away from them. I've little need for a rural home thousands of miles away, a piano I can't house, an old chess board with no opponent or a small pile of pennies. Yet, I don't want to diminish their value. Just wondering on how to approach this.

[willow wind]

There is a very good thread going on now in the " retirement " forum called " how to distribute your possessions". Go read it- it will give lots of thoughts on the very topic you just started.

To keep your parents happy, pick out something in their house you would like. A collectible set of something or other. After they pass you can do with it as you like. What you'll find out is that most kids don't really want much of their parents possessions. They're too far away, it's all old stuff that doesn't fit with anyone's decor, etc.

If you have female children perhaps there might be a ring, earings or something that could be considered to be an heirloom that could be passed on and maybe reset into a more modern setting.

One more thing, if you can get your parents to do this. Have them prepare these papers also- a living will, an advance appointment of conservator, an advance health directive, an advance power of attorney.

You'll hate to have the conversation but all these end of life papers make end of life decisions much, much easier. It will keep probate court from making decisions for you. It will hopefully avoid arguments between siblings over their parents very last stage of life if mom & dad have everything planned out and in writing a head of time.

Tough conversations but also very necessary.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by artillery77

So, I was talking with my mother the other day on the phone for her birthday. She brings up that she bought burial insurance. A bit of a downer, but then went on to say she would be preparing a will with my father and wanted to know what I wanted. I was rather stunned, and couldn't think of anything, and told them whatever they wanted to give was up to them as its their stuff.

Now I'm wondering if my quickness hurt their feelings. To be offered all worldly possessions and have them dismissed. Alternatively, my siblings and I all move far away from them and they want to keep peace in the family, maybe they're looking for help. Both came from larger families, headed by people that made it through the depression, but struggled. Certain knick knacks were prized as money was tight.

Money was generally stayed tight as they struggled to keep us fed, housed and educated, but monetary means was the only thing our family wasn't rich in. With them there, the home is a staple for all of us to come home to, the chairs and benches home to countless conversations. I learned to play on the piano. My baseball cards still lurk in one of the closets. Dad taught me strategy over a chess board, and we poured over old coins together looking to complete every year for pennies.

However all of its value stems from it being a gathering point for the family. We've all moved away from them. I've little need for a rural home thousands of miles away, a piano I can't house, an old chess board with no opponent or a small pile of pennies. Yet, I don't want to diminish their value. Just wondering on how to approach this.

Call Mom up and tell her the truth. You were taken by surprise by her question and needed some time to think about it. And, tell your parents about the happy memories and that you will want several items with special significance. Perhaps you and your siblings can have a special reunion and discuss and agree on items now. Or you can help your parents down size, a little or a lot, right now. When your parents are gone the chess board and a few pennies will take on huge significance. Right now I have two bouquets of flowers in my house. One is in a vase that my parents received as a wedding present in 1942 and the other is in a glass pitcher that I remember using at my aunt's home as a child (she died in 1992).

Don't forget about saving a few things of significance for your children from the "old homestead". My adult son has several items from his grandparents displayed in a place of honor in his home (one is a stuffed elephant made by his great-great aunt as a present for his great-aunt who was born in 1908, he often played with it as a child while visiting his great-aunt with us).
My adult daughter also has numerous items that she keeps from deceased relatives .

PS. Please take your baseball cards & other "stuff" that belongs to you right now. If a crisis occurs it makes it far easier to have already gone through your boxes than doing it in a rush. My son went though almost everything from his childhood after he graduated from college. My daughter did not (she also stored boxes & boxes of "stuff" here throughout college) and it is causing a delay in putting our house on the market now that my husband has a TBI and we need to sell.


Also, help you parents, if needed, with organizing & finishing their POA for healthcare, POA for finances and other things like that. Discuss their final wishes with them openly and honestly. POAs often are crucial in emergency situations.

[PennyLane2]

Originally Posted by artillery77

So, I was talking with my mother the other day on the phone for her birthday. She brings up that she bought burial insurance. A bit of a downer, but then went on to say she would be preparing a will with my father and wanted to know what I wanted. I was rather stunned, and couldn't think of anything, and told them whatever they wanted to give was up to them as its their stuff.

Now I'm wondering if my quickness hurt their feelings. To be offered all worldly possessions and have them dismissed. Alternatively, my siblings and I all move far away from them and they want to keep peace in the family, maybe they're looking for help. Both came from larger families, headed by people that made it through the depression, but struggled. Certain knick knacks were prized as money was tight.

Money was generally stayed tight as they struggled to keep us fed, housed and educated, but monetary means was the only thing our family wasn't rich in. With them there, the home is a staple for all of us to come home to, the chairs and benches home to countless conversations. I learned to play on the piano. My baseball cards still lurk in one of the closets. Dad taught me strategy over a chess board, and we poured over old coins together looking to complete every year for pennies.

However all of its value stems from it being a gathering point for the family. We've all moved away from them. I've little need for a rural home thousands of miles away, a piano I can't house, an old chess board with no opponent or a small pile of pennies. Yet, I don't want to diminish their value. Just wondering on how to approach this.

Edit to Add - Typing at the same time as germaine. She's just faster . Sorry for the repeat.

You may have hurt her feelings a little, and you may change your mind on the sentimental value of some of their things when you lose one or both of them.

I love having my dad's Elks ring. I don't wear it, and it has no monetary value. He wore that ring every day for so long that the back of it wore thin and finally broke. It was a big part of him, and I'm glad to be its keeper. I also have some of my mother's clip on earrings. Again, no monetary value, just sentimental value. I have pierced ears, but I still wear some of those on occasion.

You say your dad taught you strategy over a chess board. Strategy is a wonderful lesson to teach your child, and I bet your dad would be very happy to know that you see the value in the time that he spent teaching you that through chess. Surely there's some small something of your mother's that evokes precious memories of her too.

I would just choose two small things, call her back and tell her you were just "stunned" at the talk of burial insurance/wills, but that now that you've had some time to think about it you've changed your mind. Tell her why you would like to keep the two things you chose. Also explain that although the piano and other large pieces hold very fond memories for you and you would love to have some of them, you simply have no place to keep them.

And my goodness, take those baseball cards. Save them for your kids, or your nephews, or your friends' kids. My husband wished many times that he had taken his cards and put them in a safe place. His lived in his parents' attic for so long that they were ruined.

[PAhippo]

I agree about calling her and telling her you were unprepared to answer. You might request something small if you really want it but I'd tell her about the memories (basically what you posted). I bet she doesn't know how it's the little things, the togetherness that you most remember.


Cudos to them for trying to preplan everything. It will help when the time comes.

[silibran]

Originally Posted by willow wind

There is a very good thread going on now in the " retirement " forum called " how to distribute your possessions". Go read it- it will give lots of thoughts on the very topic you just started.

To keep your parents happy, pick out something in their house you would like. A collectible set of something or other. After they pass you can do with it as you like. What you'll find out is that most kids don't really want much of their parents possessions. They're too far away, it's all old stuff that doesn't fit with anyone's decor, etc.

If you have female children perhaps there might be a ring, earings or something that could be considered to be an heirloom that could be passed on and maybe reset into a more modern setting.

One more thing, if you can get your parents to do this. Have them prepare these papers also- a living will, an advance appointment of conservator, an advance health directive, an advance power of attorney.

You'll hate to have the conversation but all these end of life papers make end of life decisions much, much easier. It will keep probate court from making decisions for you. It will hopefully avoid arguments between siblings over their parents very last stage of life if mom & dad have everything planned out and in writing a head of time.

Tough conversations but also very necessary.

All of this is good stuff. Good advice.

[artillery77]

Great advice! Phone call today went very well. Thank you all for the thoughts!

[Leaving Arizona]

I can't add to the good advice above, but I will say that you should be grateful that they're doing this. There's nothing worse than the unholy mess that results when there's no will and no direction as to possessions. I worked in a probate law office for awhile, and bitterer things you cannot imagine when there's no will and no direction. Thank heavens they're doing this now, rather than the resentment that can occur when brother John takes grandma's ring and her silver, sister Jane takes the family antique, and brother Joe snitches your dad's collection of whatever - some or all of which you actually wanted, but now have to get into heated discussions about, if not have outright knock down drag out fights about it.

It's a crummy conversation. I hear you, I do. Was it awkward when I made the request to my dad about my great-grandmother's china? Sure. But I prefaced it with "Dad, this is a tacky request, but because Wedgwood decided to discontinue my pattern, may I have the china? It's up to you, of course, but I'd like to put the request in now, if it's okay with you." This was about four years before he died. Turns out, not only was it okay, Dad breathed a sigh of relief because there was one thing he could deal with in writing; it also prompted him to make a written document to go with his will to head off any bickering.

I have a sib who's butt-hurt over Dad giving me that china, and peeved because Dad also willed me his mother's rare antique (which I did not request - I think it was a token of thanks from him to me for taking care of him and Mom in their last years), but since it was in writing and specific, there wasn't much he or the other sibs could do.

So yeah, it's a sucky thing to have to talk about it, but at least it's being dealt with.

ETA: I missed your most recent post. Glad it went well! I'm sure it's a load off your folks' minds.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by artillery77

So, I was talking with my mother the other day on the phone for her birthday. She brings up that she bought burial insurance. A bit of a downer, but then went on to say she would be preparing a will with my father and wanted to know what I wanted. I was rather stunned, and couldn't think of anything, and told them whatever they wanted to give was up to them as its their stuff.

Now I'm wondering if my quickness hurt their feelings. To be offered all worldly possessions and have them dismissed. Alternatively, my siblings and I all move far away from them and they want to keep peace in the family, maybe they're looking for help. Both came from larger families, headed by people that made it through the depression, but struggled. Certain knick knacks were prized as money was tight.

Money was generally stayed tight as they struggled to keep us fed, housed and educated, but monetary means was the only thing our family wasn't rich in. With them there, the home is a staple for all of us to come home to, the chairs and benches home to countless conversations. I learned to play on the piano. My baseball cards still lurk in one of the closets. Dad taught me strategy over a chess board, and we poured over old coins together looking to complete every year for pennies.

However all of its value stems from it being a gathering point for the family. We've all moved away from them. I've little need for a rural home thousands of miles away, a piano I can't house, an old chess board with no opponent or a small pile of pennies. Yet, I don't want to diminish their value. Just wondering on how to approach this.

What a nice post. It is proof of a loving family, a welcome relief from the dysfunction of this forum.

I think it's completely natural to not want to consider plundering your parents's house while they're still alive. For toting up the possessions you could walk away with once they're gone really is an anticipation of their death, something you just don't want to experience anytime soon.

So, with that in mind, your response was the right one for the time being. That being said, you need to understand what drives your parents's motivation. They want to ensure an orderly, hassle-free dissolution of their estate once they die, so their asking is really about being considerate of you. They don't want some unseemly fight among their children over the dining room furniture or that knickknack that's been in the family for umpteen generations.

I think the proper thing to do is to circle back to it. Explain that you're really not interested in inheriting anything from them anytime soon, for their presence in your lives is gift enough. However, you likely do want to identify some items that makes you think of them and the lives you have had together. There are things in their lives that are indeed precious to them, and it means a great deal to pass them along. That means you should take their request seriously, and respect them by eventually giving them a response.

[JrzDefector]

When my grandmother died, I didn't think I wanted anything from her house. But she had some crystal wine glasses that were really pretty, an old rocking chair from the 1920s that is just a nice reminder of my childhood and some little ramekins that I use all the time in my cooking.