Why is it so hard to tell people "No"? (wife, males)

[swgirl926]

I think that misplaced guilt is a learned behavior, starting from childhood. It is a powerful manipulation tactic.

[fadeddaisy26]

No is a strong answer, a lot of woman wonder why, leading to misinterpretation while most men just take the straight answer.

[imagardener]

"Sorry" is another word we women need to stop using. I've seen hilarious videos where every woman starts off her sentence with "sorry". We do not need to apologize for anything unless we actually did something wrong.

Saying "no" is not wrong, having an opinion different from other peoples opinion is not wrong, wanting to do something different than other people is not wrong.

Try this today. Go for a whole day without saying "sorry". If you can't do a whole day then try it for an hour. Keep doing it until it becomes a habit not to say "sorry". You can smile while not saying "sorry" if you need to or while saying "no", depending on the person you are talking to….or not.

[Marlow]

Originally Posted by fallingwater

I definitely struggled with saying no but have grown to where I can do it without much guilt. I find a trend where those that have difficulty may have grown up being pressured to accommodate or were peacemakers in the family. I see it a lot with middle children. My husband is a middle child as well my myself and we both grew up being told to appease older siblings that were more willful or appease the younger siblings, because they were favored or needed constant attention. This spills over into other relationships. I think back on all the crap I let myself get involved in because I couldn't say no. I learned.

Although I'm the youngest and not the middle child, I do think I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to fix things and trying to smooth things over when there was tension in the house.

I definitely did a lot of stupid things over the years because I wouldn't say "No" but I'm much better now. After I realized that it wasn't my responsibility to fix everything for everyone it became much easier. Still, as I described in my OP, I sometimes feel like I should do something I don't want to in order to make someone else happy. But I'm working on it.

[PennyLane2]

Originally Posted by Marlow

Although I'm the youngest and not the middle child, I do think I spent a lot of time in my youth trying to fix things and trying to smooth things over when there was tension in the house.

I definitely did a lot of stupid things over the years because I wouldn't say "No" but I'm much better now. After I realized that it wasn't my responsibility to fix everything for everyone it became much easier. Still, as I described in my OP, I sometimes feel like I should do something I don't want to in order to make someone else happy. But I'm working on it.

Sometimes you should do something you might not want to do for a spouse, kid, or someone special. I whole heartedly believe in give and take with a spouse. Kids, well, sometimes it just makes you happy when they're happy. You certainly shouldn't feel guilty for saying no to that woman. She'd drive me crazy too.

I don't have a big problem saying no to most people. I've even given the excuse that I just don't want to. That might sound harsh, but it's the truth.

[AlaskaErik]

I'm a guy with a military and law enforcement background. I have absolutely no trouble saying no. And making it stick.

[animalcrazy]

I'm wracking my brain trying to think of what I had to say no to. Only two things come to mind. One was when Lucille asked me if I wanted to go see the Osmonds in concert and I told her that I was so not doing that. She loves to torture me with that kind of music, which I detest.

The other time is when I said no to the two crazy girls about spending the night. I did eventually relent and now they've been spending the night with us or multiple nights with us for five years now. Saying no was a big mistake and they've been such a joy.

Okay, I'm a wuss. If Lucille asked me to go to one of her awful concerts and had no one to go with her, I would suck it up and be miserable for a couple of hours. It can't always be about me ya know. Especially when you have someone as special as her in your life. Saying no becomes impossible. John and I are heading out in the snow to be with her while she shows their house. Just can't say no to that request no matter how warm and comfortable I am right now.

I am a little leery of her judgement. She saw this play and insisted that her husband and John go see it. We went and it was about a bunch of women talking about their monthly cycle and clothes. I even hated it and I felt terrible for the guys. I would have no trouble saying NO to that nightmare again. In fact she's lucky I didn't beat her

[HighFlyingBird]

Saying no gets easier with time and practice. I used to have a terrible time saying no but learned how (thank you, therapy). And I can't think of the last time I felt "guilty". I might even say no too much, but its better then saying it not enough. I have had a few friends who really couldn't say no. One friend in particular who was the worst. She was roped into room mom, this board, that board, baby sitting other people's kids while busy with hers, being in charge of school events. It just went on and on. I asked her why she didn't just say no (cause she would complain) and she would say "I did but they wouldnt let me". Poor lady.

I think its good you said no and stuck with it. Good job.

[TwinbrookNine]

In my experience, women are way better at saying "No" than men. I mean in all situations.


I'd just be glad that things worked out the way they did. You can be positive and supportive to "Liz's" situation now that you know you're off the hook. Just make sure the daughter has an opportunity to get with the other kids for any inter - competition practicing, after hours, should that occur. Don't insist on isolating her. It is a team you know. You'll be exhausted - maybe she'll be "wired." So be prepared to give her space.

[Bonnie Jean McGee]

Originally Posted by photobuff42

I would like a t-shirt with a big NO emblazoned on it.

Yeah, with Don't Even Ask in subtext