Meeting Daddy First Time In Late 20's-- Should I? (member, feel)
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Or you could go into the meeting cautiously but open to the fact that it may turn out well. Maybe he will admit that he made some serious mistakes but has learned from them and is making better choices now. At this point you don't know why some of those choices may have been made. At this point you really don't know the whole story, about what might have happened with his past, or why he wasn't a part of your life. Be cautious but optimistic at the very least maybe you will get some answers to some of the questions you have. Your mother deserves to be informed that you are going to meet him, I wouldn't ask permission but I would tell her. Good Luck, however it turns out it's a turning point in your life.
I agree with the go-meet-him crowd. You will never feel satisfied (not sure if that's the right word) unless you do. He will always be an unknown and that's harder to take.
And even if you don't hit it off with him, sounds like you've got other family members you might like to meet.
OP, this may sound harsh, but it sounds to me that you have over-romanticized your sperm donor (THAT is what he is -- not your "dad" or "father" in any meaningful sense of the word) to an insane degree. You are, what, in your early 30s now? Yet you see a photo of someone who is basically a stranger and say "I still love you Daddy"? Wow. How on earth can you "love" someone who has never been in your life at all, never made an effort, sounds like a pretty awful human being (a criminal many times over, as you have said), etc.? And to call this stranger "Daddy" as if you are 3 years old ... honestly, I don't get this at all.
What you love is your IDEA of a "daddy" that you never had -- some idealized version of what a father is supposed to be. And THAT, I completely understand -- it's sad that you missed out on that. But that IDEA is not this stranger that you HAPPEN to share DNA with. I DO think you should meet him, but be prepared to be disappointed.
Question... did he even know Mom as pregnant when the breakup happened? I'm not talking about she says he knew and walked but truly knew. Honestly the story could be the other way around and she was the one running around. A DNA test 30 years ago would have answered that....but the fact your Mom didn't want to push for child support makes me wonder.......
You don't know and contacting him out of the blue could make him question YOUR motives for showing up NOW.
Personal note:
My hubby just had a woman show up claiming he's Dad but just wanting $. DNA showed he was (we FORCED it she didnt want the test) but we never knew until This kid was 3 years old that he exsisted....She was a 2 week fling while we took a break, yeah dumb on his part .... we still haven't SEEN the kid she lives 1/2 across the country and has moved 3 times (3 different states) but collects welfare....... so to have him show up when he's 30 with whatever his Mom has told him firmly implanted in his brain as "the story" will be difficult. I've seen her FB and she's been weaving one hell of a fantasy for the last 3 years.
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So there are 2 sides to every story. For all you know she told him to never contact you or her and he has been respecting her wishes. Or he never knew about you.
The question is are you strong enough for his side of the story if he's able to accept you after all these years?
I agree go get counseling first, during and after. This could hurt.
Hi, I understand that no one can predict the outcome; however, I would still like some sound advice.
I grew up with my mother, never met my dad. To make a long story short, after years of searching, I finally found him on a social site.
First I was overjoyed and cried my eyes out that I finally was able to see my other half, but after doing a background check on him, I am left even more emotional and confused.
Let's just say he's committed quite a bit of criminal activities such as robberies... the last it shows was a little over 10 years ago. I know everyone has a past, but being the last was done when he was in his 40's, not 20's, it makes me wonder if he's still a bad buy *****.
As you can imagine, EVERYONE wants a relationship with both parents. You can only imagine how I felt without him in my life. However, I am now wondering what to do?
1. Do I risk meeting him and he may rob me or do something cruel to me? (Even though he has a past, he seems to love and treat his nieces, nephews, other family and friends great from reading their posts.)
2. Do I just move along with an emptiness that will never be filled?
Personally, I would move along. Some people are, well, just negative influences and it doesn't sound like opening this pandora's box is going to help your current situation in any way. Someday I hope you find someone, get married, and have a happy family of your own.
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MEN, how would you feel if your daughter showed up almost 30 years later? Could you still love and accept her or would you just consider her some random stranger?
If I had a daughter there is no way I would abandon her for 30 years. Kids need plenty of love and guidance to prosper. The fact that he did that probably tells you as much about him as his criminal record. After reading your post, it sounds like your mom did a fine job. I would accept that for what it is and embrace the knowledge that you seem to have come out of this situation far better off than many might have.
I have a different view. I don't think a man who abandons his child and hasn't paid support, didn't help raised the child, deserves to be in the child's life. I mean why should he get all the benefits of having a child now, when the work is done. To the OP, if you feel you must meet him, then by all means do, but be prepared that he may not be what you want him to be, and do try to remember your mom, she raised you while he was off doing whatever...a dad is someone who is there day to day, this guy isn't a dad...
if you meet him and even have a semi regular relationship with him, don't assume that he can't hurt you, even if it's his best intensions, not to. he is who he is and your idea of who he should be, may not be the case. let him reveal himself for who he is over time and try to stay neutral but engaged until he does.
As you can imagine, EVERYONE wants a relationship with both parents. You can only imagine how I felt without him in my life. However, I am now wondering what to do?
No they don't. It's just DNA.
You haven't missed out on anything; you never had it to miss it in the first place. Those romantic novels you're reading are fiction.
Your mother took care of you and did the best she could, and this would be a slap in the face to her, that you would want a relationship with a man who never wanted you, despite everything she's done for you.
If you do decide to meet him, I strongly suggest you tell your mother, because she will feel unbelievably betrayed if you hide it from her.
OP, this may sound harsh, but it sounds to me that you have over-romanticized your sperm donor (THAT is what he is -- not your "dad" or "father" in any meaningful sense of the word) to an insane degree. You are, what, in your early 30s now? Yet you see a photo of someone who is basically a stranger and say "I still love you Daddy"? Wow. How on earth can you "love" someone who has never been in your life at all, never made an effort, sounds like a pretty awful human being (a criminal many times over, as you have said), etc.? And to call this stranger "Daddy" as if you are 3 years old ... honestly, I don't get this at all.
What you love is your IDEA of a "daddy" that you never had -- some idealized version of what a father is supposed to be. And THAT, I completely understand -- it's sad that you missed out on that. But that IDEA is not this stranger that you HAPPEN to share DNA with. I DO think you should meet him, but be prepared to be disappointed.
Absolutely agree! +1
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