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Without making this intro too long, my daughter is graduating from college in May. She has worked hard and did extremely well and has a fantastic opportunity lined up afterwards. She is from my first marriage, and I have children with my current husband.
My ex husband (her father) got remarried years ago, too. His wife has been difficult over the years, and as a young child, my daughter was petrified of her and her behaviors, always needing to be in control and insisting that the two households remain always separate to the point where my daughter was told she was not allowed to talk to me about ANYTHING that took place in their household.
Around 2007, my ex husband had stopped paying child support. His wife told him since HER ex wasn't paying her for their own daughter, he should so it the "same way" and not pay me anymore. He has also not contributed financially to her education at all. My husband and I got her through with no loans by tightening our belts, plus she had a nice scholarship, which helped immeasurably. I never went after him for the child support, because at that point, my husband and I were fine without it and I just didn't want more drama. (In hindsight, I should have!)
The last time I saw his wife, two years ago, it was in my driveway and she was shrieking at me about some perceived slight. I could go on and on as to why I believe she is a narcissist, but I want this post to be manageable in length!
I decided lately, in light of my daughter's upcoming graduation, that it was time for us ALL to move forward on new footing: One that is free of the past's tensions and resentments. This was for me as well as my daughter, I admit. I was trying to be a good person and role model for all of my children, with the hope that graduation can be exciting and fun for us all.
So I approached my ex husband during a conversation about her graduation about my hopes. We had always gotten along fairly well, and, of course, being proud parents, we have kept in touch over the years which I always felt was healthy and good for her. Unfortunately, his wife does not agree.
She sent me a scathing email which recited many of the things she is "uncomfortable" with, such as, in her opinion, now that our daughter is an adult, we have no business talking at all, in respect for their marriage. I should add that my current husband has no problems with my communications with my ex. It is maybe 3 times a year or so that we speak. I wonder why my ex never mentioned that we should never speak, and also why she thinks that I should be the gatekeeper of what she feels are appropriate boundaries in THEIR marriage.
So, now I can look forward to what I was trying to avoid. A graduation enmeshed in scowling looks thrown my way by her, and my daughter being intensely sensitive to this since she grew up with it and feels abandoned by a father that never shielded or protected her from his wife's distaste for the evidence that he was married before.
I suppose I should not have been so naive as to think my wishes to move past this, all of us, would not be rebuffed by her, but does anyone have any advice or insight?
Is your daughter very close to her biological father? I ask this because apparently he allowed his second wife to terrorize the girl when she was young, and then to add insult to injury, he stopped sending child support at his second wife's behest. Regardless of how your daughter feels about her "real" Dad, I bet there is very little love lost between her and her stepmother. So, why not just not invite the step mother? Heck, why invite either one of them (depending on how your daughter feels)? My mother was a narcissist who went out of her way to make everyone's life miserable both before and after she divorced my Dad. I adored my Dad. My Mom I wished as far away as possible. When I graduated, only my Dad got an invite. The same when I got married. I had so much fun without my Mom present at either of these events! Sometimes being a good model for your children can be as simple as standing up for them to adult bullies. I don't even understand why either one of these two creeps would want to come to your daughter's graduation, anyhow. It doesn't sound like either one of them is brimming over with pride and/or love for your daughter. Of course the narcissist will throw a fit aat being ignored because that's what narcissists do. Never, ever make the mistake of trying to make a narcissist happy. You'll fail every time, as I'm sure you discovered long ago already. This woman doesn't want you messing around in her marriage anymore? Perfect! Cut the two of them off. If your daughter ever decides that she wants to see her Dad for some strange reason, give her advise if she asks for it, otherwise let her father and her do whatever. Your daughter is now a young adult. Let her make her own choices. You are free now, Mom! Free! Turn your back on those two dsyfunctional creeps and have nothing further to do with them.
Narcissists tend to be sociopaths, not psychopaths.
It's the only way I know how to describe the psychotic episodes they display. (completely engineered as a form of manipulation) "Give her what she wants so she will stop screaming and breaking things1!!" "We don't want to make her maaaad!"
It just occurred to me - most narcissists (and I know they have deep rooted problems that started them on this road) are physically attractive women. Thus the desire to marry them. THEN the fun begins. So these idiots leave their wives for the women who now make their lives a living hell. Priceless.
And for someone to say they "put them in their place then ignore them" again I say you're wasting your breath and expending your ego. You are nothing to them. You can't put them in their place unless you are holding the magic mirror that reflects to them who they really are - monsters. The words of the minions do not sink in.
They just ASSUMED they were invited, and when my daughter's father started talking about it in the not too distant past, she felt like a deer in the headlights and didn't speak up for herself. I wasn't there, and I DO need her to be her own advocate. SHE needs to. She is reluctant to talk to him, but she knows she is delaying the inevitable, not necessarily about the graduation, but about the extreme damage all of this has to to her relationship with him.
I won't have it out with his wife, because I tried that years ago a few times, and of course it didn't work, and of COURSE she broke things and became a raving shrieking lunatic. I heard it through the phone, so this is firsthand knowledge of her breaking things because she wasn't getting her way. (That particular time it was about driving an extra 20 minutes for them to pick my daughter up---"I won't go out of MY way to pick up YOUR g-damned daughter!!!" Crashing of things hitting the wall in the background.)
He has done exactly that, Colorado Rambler, been infuriated at being ignored.
Hmm is the ex's wife a narcissist or an immature, insecure rectum marking her territory like a dog on a lamp post? Either way her behavior is embarrassing. Some needs a huge dose of grow up.
I roller skate with a new friend that is 70 years old. She and her husband have only been married for four years now. He's possessive and doesn't like it when she goes out alone and visits friends. He's afraid that she is running around behind his back. I thought it was odd that someone would behave like that who was way old enough to know better.
It sounds like your ex husbands wife is insecure and behaving like that because she's probably unable to process that the past is the past and not part of the future. She may be treating your daughter like an extension of you. It's sad.
I agree that your ex should man up and attend her graduation without his toxic wife. People like that deserve to be alone with their misery.
Your daughter is grown, its time to cut ties with her father. Live in peace, don't be drawn into the drama. It isn't healthy for your daughter. If you have to be at the same place, go out of your way to sit far apart. If daughter wants a pic with both, do it quick and pleasant.
Live a fully separate life. Your daughter is grown. While I believe you the new wife is a problem, I think you are joining the problem by being involved in their lives at all.
BTW, my husband hasn't spoken to his ex wife even once since his youngest with her turned 18 and graduated. Any talks about college funding, etc was facilitated by the kids. So we didn't have to deal with her at all. Its far less stressful for the kids (the ex-wife was the cray-cray one, similar to your husband's new wife in behavior).
Would it be nice if we could all get along? Sure. But it isn't reality. So we keep the peace by keeping to ourselves. I don't even know what we would need to talk to the ex about at this point.
This reminds me of a very unpleasant incident in my own family, which I handled incorrectly at the time. I made the mistake of respecting the person's privacy and wrongly figuring they'd calm down and become more rational.
So, my particular advice would be to do the opposite of what I did. I would forward the email to your ex with a polite note, innocently saying that although you and he aren't in touch often, you think the occasional communication is not only civilized, but a good thing since you will always have your joint daughter. And then express surprise at the wife's hostility, which, you will mention, you also noticed at graduation.
That puts the burden on him, and, if you're lucky, it will embarrass her.
I have a 41-year old stepdaughter who is both a sociopath and has a borderline personality disorder. How do I deal with her? I don't. Thankfully we live 2,000 miles away but even if she was next door I wouldn't have a thing to do with her. That's my wife's choice to deal with her, or not, just as it's your ex's job to deal with his wife.
On the rare occasion I'll pick up the phone without checking the caller ID I'll pleasantly say, "Hello, _________! (her real name, not what I'd sometimes like to call her.) and tell her I'll get her mother for her. She has learned to be pleasant in return so I keep her on the line.
Now that your daughter is an adult and but for the graduation (maybe not even then) or a true emergency involving your daughter, you have no further need to deal with your ex or his wife. I don't recommend it. Why put yourself in a potentially volatile situation?
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