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I'm not angry; I'm Christian and forgive. And I agree. But in the first holidays without my mother, leaving me without any family or -- after years of devoted caregiving and basically giving up my own life -- without even my old network of friends who've fallen away, it's lonely. I'm pushing 60, too...
My ultimate plan is to move away and start over somewhere else after retirement (I'm stuck in this small town without a life until then), which will further separate me from my brother, but I'm sad that this seems to be my only recourse, as I'd rather have family like every other normal person on FB.
Um, Christians are allowed to be angry. And this stuff in bold:
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere
For the twenty years my mother was around, she would accompany my brother to our family celebrations only under extreme duress, it seemed. She would refuse to eat the holiday dinner my mother prepared, making various excuses. She fed the kids before coming so that they wouldn't eat anything, either. Nice! Once the gifts for which she came (birthday or Christmas or Easter baskets) were in her possession, she made some excuse to leave (hair had to be washed or dog walked). The entire time they were there, while my brother visited with my mother and me, she would huddle in a corner knitting and seemingly pouting, answering in monosyllables when addressed by us.
Well, no such luck. Thanksgiving? They had family dinner, posted Facebook pics. I sat home alone. Christmas? Same, except for a visit from my brother after THEIR family gathering and photo session. My birthday? Silence, except for a visit and gift from my brother. Easter? It looks like they had a nice family dinner and baskets. The bunny didn't come to see me. :'( Mind you, they're one mile away.
Am sick of being ostracized for no reason and treated unjustly like a second-class citizen. "Shunning" is generally reserved for the worst of crimes, after all, and for good reason: it hurts. What would you do?
Quote:
Originally Posted by otterhere
And, oh yeah, no "thank you" note for the really nice gift, either!
... is anger.
It's ok to be pissed about it, but understand that you can't change it so you have to cope with it in different ways.
Okay, I'm "angry," as it sucks and is unfair, but I'm not holding a grudge or stewing in my own juices.
Maybe. You've forgiven, but you need to learn how to forget.
It's hard and constant work to make a meaningful life all by yourself. Empty-nesters realize when their kids move out how much they relied on their children for their identities. Married people don't often understand how they rely on that spouse to fill their days.
So yes, it gets old to be reminded that you are "not included" in something that seems so easy for many other people.
It makes you start to dread holidays.
I would do something completely new and different for holidays, so they can be memorable for different reasons. It does take effort, and it would be nice to just be an invited guest sometimes. Until that day, keep looking for ways to forget her bad manners. Don't let her define YOUR family. Invite your brother to do something just the two of you sometime. (Not a holiday, just an "everyday.) And keep looking for new things to try to meet new friends.
You mentioned that your brother avoids conflict. But, for him, there is no conflict. If he is going to take the path of least resistance, that will be keeping his wife happy. If you made a big stink about the situation, THAT would cause a conflict. I'm not suggesting it, just saying that you've made the decision very easy for him.
I would be tempted to reach out to your nieces in-laws. It sounds like you would have more fun with them anyway. And that would be a nice poke in the eye to your SIL.
Otherwise, consider doing volunteer work on holidays.
Stop relying on Facebook as barometer for how families are. Facebook for some is like a bad Christmas letter of bragging about their vacations, achievements, children, & the like.
Do you have hobbies that have clubs/groups that could be source of fellowship? I'm thinking book club, quilters group, Bible study group, dog rescue, bird watchers, painting & pottery, etc....or community college or adult education classes to take. You need social interaction to make up for lack of family.
Your brother's family has made it clear. Do not look to them for fellowship. Make family of friends.
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