Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Without making this intro too long, my daughter is graduating from college in May. She has worked hard and did extremely well and has a fantastic opportunity lined up afterwards. She is from my first marriage, and I have children with my current husband.
My ex husband (her father) got remarried years ago, too. His wife has been difficult over the years, and as a young child, my daughter was petrified of her and her behaviors, always needing to be in control and insisting that the two households remain always separate to the point where my daughter was told she was not allowed to talk to me about ANYTHING that took place in their household.
Around 2007, my ex husband had stopped paying child support. His wife told him since HER ex wasn't paying her for their own daughter, he should so it the "same way" and not pay me anymore. He has also not contributed financially to her education at all. My husband and I got her through with no loans by tightening our belts, plus she had a nice scholarship, which helped immeasurably. I never went after him for the child support, because at that point, my husband and I were fine without it and I just didn't want more drama. (In hindsight, I should have!)
The last time I saw his wife, two years ago, it was in my driveway and she was shrieking at me about some perceived slight. I could go on and on as to why I believe she is a narcissist, but I want this post to be manageable in length!
I decided lately, in light of my daughter's upcoming graduation, that it was time for us ALL to move forward on new footing: One that is free of the past's tensions and resentments. This was for me as well as my daughter, I admit. I was trying to be a good person and role model for all of my children, with the hope that graduation can be exciting and fun for us all.
So I approached my ex husband during a conversation about her graduation about my hopes. We had always gotten along fairly well, and, of course, being proud parents, we have kept in touch over the years which I always felt was healthy and good for her. Unfortunately, his wife does not agree.
She sent me a scathing email which recited many of the things she is "uncomfortable" with, such as, in her opinion, now that our daughter is an adult, we have no business talking at all, in respect for their marriage. I should add that my current husband has no problems with my communications with my ex. It is maybe 3 times a year or so that we speak. I wonder why my ex never mentioned that we should never speak, and also why she thinks that I should be the gatekeeper of what she feels are appropriate boundaries in THEIR marriage.
So, now I can look forward to what I was trying to avoid. A graduation enmeshed in scowling looks thrown my way by her, and my daughter being intensely sensitive to this since she grew up with it and feels abandoned by a father that never shielded or protected her from his wife's distaste for the evidence that he was married before.
I suppose I should not have been so naive as to think my wishes to move past this, all of us, would not be rebuffed by her, but does anyone have any advice or insight?
Honestly, I am related to a couple of narcissists and I understand this type very well. It SUCKS, and it totally defies logic. So stop trying to be logical in dealing with her.
I would have no problems whatsoever sending back a scathing email to the wife telling her that her reply was completely out of line, as are her expectations that you will never contact your ex since you are co-parents. I also would throw in that you never expect to hear from her again.
Then I would email your husband, or meet him in person ALONE, and tell him that you are very disappointed that he has allowed this woman to speak for him regarding HIS daughter and that you don't expect him to attend the graduation. I would, in fact, ban the new wife from any graduation events. Protect your daughter. That woman has NO business being there.
Narcissists ARE all about control, and the fortunate thing is that your daughter is grown now. I would equip her by reminding her that we don't get to choose our parents, and that parents are people, too, who don't always make the decisions we wish they would make.
She sent me a scathing email which recited many of the things she is "uncomfortable" with, such as, in her opinion, now that our daughter is an adult, we have no business talking at all, in respect for their marriage.
Quote:
Wmsn4Life
Then I would email your husband, or meet him in person ALONE, and tell him that you are very disappointed that he has allowed this woman to speak for him regarding HIS daughter and that you don't expect him to attend the graduation.
When you speak to your ex alone about the graduation, bring along a copy of her email for him to read. Then remind your ex that graduation is just the beginning of your daughters life.
You both will want to be at her wedding, right?
You both will want to be involved with your grandchildren, right?
Some people find it difficult to think ahead; maybe your ex can explain that to his current wife.
Well, my insight and advise is that you and your daughter need to get real about her spineless father. It was his responsibility to care for and protect his/your daughter after the divorce and he failed to do so. He has consistently chosen his wife over her and will continue to do so. I know this has been difficult and heartbreaking for you, but your daughter is an adult now.
It's time for you to step aside and let her navigate her relationship with her father on her own. He will most likely never change, so why worry about it?
There is no reason to expect that he will step up for future events in her life and bringing it up to your daughter could negatively affect her self esteem. Support your daughter, build her up, and be sure she knows that all of the past negligence on her father's part is not her fault but his. His wife has served as a tool for his negligence.
Honestly, I am related to a couple of narcissists and I understand this type very well. It SUCKS, and it totally defies logic. So stop trying to be logical in dealing with her.
I would have no problems whatsoever sending back a scathing email to the wife telling her that her reply was completely out of line, as are her expectations that you will never contact your ex since you are co-parents. I also would throw in that you never expect to hear from her again.
Then I would email your husband, or meet him in person ALONE, and tell him that you are very disappointed that he has allowed this woman to speak for him regarding HIS daughter and that you don't expect him to attend the graduation. I would, in fact, ban the new wife from any graduation events. Protect your daughter. That woman has NO business being there.
Narcissists ARE all about control, and the fortunate thing is that your daughter is grown now. I would equip her by reminding her that we don't get to choose our parents, and that parents are people, too, who don't always make the decisions we wish they would make.
Then go enjoy the graduation.
I mostly agree with this. ^^^^ But I'd send your ex a copy of the email his wife sent you, and copy him on your reply to her.
I would make it abundantly clear to both of them that your daughter's graduation is all about her and that his wife is not welcome because her presence will take away from your daughter's enjoyment of the day. If they want to celebrate with her, they can make other arrangements to see her at a later time. I'd ignore the part about her saying you can't talk to your ex and continue to contact him as needed about the children you have together. Keep the tone calm and respectful--no name calling or spite.
Banning the wife might make your ex and the wife dig their heels in and say they're going to attend the graduation, but I bet it will also make them be on their best behavior. Hateful, manipulative people do their best work in the dark. Shining a light on it by sharing the emails will let everyone know you're not putting up with it.
Congratulations to your daughter and you on her hard work!
This person doesn't sound like a narcissist at all. Why do people insist on throwing psychiatric diagnoses around? There are SEVERAL other personality disorders that are far more likely - and not a single one of them can be made over the internet by second-hand report.
She's an unpleasant control freak. Ignore her. If she throws a fit on your property, call the cops. Surely the graduation facilities are large enough that you can station yourself out of her line of vision.
Sorry your ex married such a beech. Why do you have to see them at all during her graduation? Is there some kind of assigned seating?
I would also tell dad if he wants to have anything to with her wedding, he will have to pony up some bucks.
It sounds like your daughter did fine without him.
It's probably not assigned seating. The graduate usually gets a certain amount of tickets.
OP and her husband can sit in one section, the ex and his wife in another.
Both parents can smile for some pictures and they can take the daughter out separately to celebrate. Decide in advance who will take her out on graduation day, and who will take her out a different day.
Not that complicated.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
