Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,641 posts, read 11,976,395 times
Reputation: 9889
Advertisements
Quote:
Originally Posted by miu
Well... perhaps your neighbor is being honest and just saying what is coming into their head? And they just seem to be simple observations not fake compliments. And would you think them rude if they totally ignored your any changes to your hairstyle?
I think that you are slightly miffed because they didn't compliment your new hair cut or hair colour. Maybe those changes weren't as wonderful as you think they are.
Hahaha. I think you are completely off the mark.
And, no, I would not think them rude at all to not comment on my appearance.
I do think those men were just trying to make conversation/observations but were not very good at it.
A LOT of people are pretty inept socially...you'd be surprised. Most of us screw up at least once in a while and some of us do so routinely. I've put my foot in my mouth in some pretty horrific ways before...ways that even years later I cringe at. (Let's not even get into the time I excitedly asked my husband's friend's wife when she was due and, well...yeah...you guessed it.)
They were noticing you, weren't sure how to comment and just blurted it out.
As for actual passive-aggressiveness, I usually directly, but without emotion, address it. Such people don't want to be called out on what they're doing. They're counting on you to play along by standing there being uncomfortable and stuttering. When you clearly, with eye contact, ask them if they REALLY just said that, and kind of half-smile in embarrassment for them, they shrink like the cowards they are.
OR on occasion, I'll turn the tables, smilingly. Let me think of an example...hmmm....ha ha, just thought of one...argh, I can't believe I'm admitting how childish I was in this instance. My mother-in-law took a picture of me with my sons and showed it to me on her camera. At the time I was still carrying pregnancy weight from the little one having very recently been born. By contrast, my MIL was about 225-240 lbs. (hard to say for sure, but that's the ballpark I'd put her in) at 5'4". Anyway...she showed me this picture on her camera and said, "Don't worry, I'll cut all THIS out" and waved her finger along the image from my boobs, down over my belly. You know, as in: Gosh, JerZ, I KNOW you're worried I'll show this picture to people and they'll see how FAT you are. I smiled and answered, "Yes, it's so hard to be carrying extra, for now...I mean you get it, right?" and nudged her, smiled and roved my eyes down her GIGANTIC girth.
Tough darts, this woman attacks constantly, sue me. But she attacks ME less and less as the years go by and she finds she can't bully and make me sad. So my talking back to her isn't useless and it's no joy for me, and yes, it does work. You don't have to be a catty witch like I was in the example above but DO DIRECTLY and CALMLY, WITH NO ANGER, call the person out on it. "Oh, are you intimating that I'm fat/stupid/my hair is awful?" with a little polite I'm-embarrassed-on-your-behalf laugh.
Not sure exactly how to word this, but how do you handle people who are either being intentionally vague/random or passive aggressive?
Examples:
I ran into my neighbor and he said, "wow, Bande1102, you cut your hair!" and then nothing. I ran into him again and he said, "wow, your is blonde!" and then nothing. It's weird b/c he'll keep standing there and wait for a response. I usually attempt to walk away and then he'll attempt to engage me about a real issue (a favor, wants to borrow something, etc).
I was at the pool and an acquaintance (I barely know her) said, "hey, Bande1102, I love your suit. I think one piece suits are more flattering".
Usually, I ignore them; but I'd love to have some witty comeback or something. I just don't get them. My compliments are honest and if I don't have something meaningful or nice to say, I stay quiet.
It may not work with the neighbor, but.....
If the timing is just right I love using "thank you... Captain Obvious!" My kids (30 something) taught me that one.
It is so over the top passive aggressive back, but it really makes me laugh.
My friend (Married to a very ngood friend) who always says things like: you have gained weight, you have lost weight, your hair is going gray.... And he always has, we love him anyway. It took him a minute or 2 to realize what I said and he could barely breathe he laughed so hard.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,641 posts, read 11,976,395 times
Reputation: 9889
Quote:
Originally Posted by JerZ
I do think those men were just trying to make conversation/observations but were not very good at it.
A LOT of people are pretty inept socially...you'd be surprised. Most of us screw up at least once in a while and some of us do so routinely. I've put my foot in my mouth in some pretty horrific ways before...ways that even years later I cringe at. (Let's not even get into the time I excitedly asked my husband's friend's wife when she was due and, well...yeah...you guessed it.)
They were noticing you, weren't sure how to comment and just blurted it out.
As for actual passive-aggressiveness, I usually directly, but without emotion, address it. Such people don't want to be called out on what they're doing. They're counting on you to play along by standing there being uncomfortable and stuttering. When you clearly, with eye contact, ask them if they REALLY just said that, and kind of half-smile in embarrassment for them, they shrink like the cowards they are.
OR on occasion, I'll turn the tables, smilingly. Let me think of an example...hmmm....ha ha, just thought of one...argh, I can't believe I'm admitting how childish I was in this instance. My mother-in-law took a picture of me with my sons and showed it to me on her camera. At the time I was still carrying pregnancy weight from the little one having very recently been born. By contrast, my MIL was about 225-240 lbs. (hard to say for sure, but that's the ballpark I'd put her in) at 5'4". Anyway...she showed me this picture on her camera and said, "Don't worry, I'll cut all THIS out" and waved her finger along the image from my boobs, down over my belly. You know, as in: Gosh, JerZ, I KNOW you're worried I'll show this picture to people and they'll see how FAT you are. I smiled and answered, "Yes, it's so hard to be carrying extra, for now...I mean you get it, right?" and nudged her, smiled and roved my eyes down her GIGANTIC girth.
Tough darts, this woman attacks constantly, sue me. But she attacks ME less and less as the years go by and she finds she can't bully and make me sad. So my talking back to her isn't useless and it's no joy for me, and yes, it does work. You don't have to be a catty witch like I was in the example above but DO DIRECTLY and CALMLY, WITH NO ANGER, call the person out on it. "Oh, are you intimating that I'm fat/stupid/my hair is awful?" with a little polite I'm-embarrassed-on-your-behalf laugh.
Location: Stuck on the East Coast, hoping to head West
4,641 posts, read 11,976,395 times
Reputation: 9889
Quote:
Originally Posted by simplepeace
It may not work with the neighbor, but.....
If the timing is just right I love using "thank you... Captain Obvious!" My kids (30 something) taught me that one.
It is so over the top passive aggressive back, but it really makes me laugh.
My friend (Married to a very ngood friend) who always says things like: you have gained weight, you have lost weight, your hair is going gray.... And he always has, we love him anyway. It took him a minute or 2 to realize what I said and he could barely breathe he laughed so hard.
Without knowing the person who is saying all that, I cant really comment on their intention. I might have even done the personal observation when it came to a hair cut with no ill intentions. Maybe it's just a case that they think enough of you to notice than the opposite - not talking to you at all.
Maybe with the hair cut they were hoping you would graciously acknowledge it? If they made the mr obvious comment and you followed up with something like, " yeah, it really sucks". They would be relieved that they didn't say how much they liked it. Doing so would be putting their taste in style in question. Going the "Mr/Ms
Obvious" route saves face for them, even tho it's not the most preferable for the intended recipient of such comment.
Haha, I'm definitely going to just start thanking them. The neighbor says things to me ALL the time and I'm usually wondering what his point his. Yup, I cut my hair. Yeah, it's blonder now. And?
I guess my point is that when I compliment someone, I just come out and say it. I wouldn't go up to someone and say, "you got new shoes" and leave it at that. I would say, "I like your shoes" and wait for them to thank me.
I totally get what you're saying. I'm never sure what to do with those types of "statements" either. Are they compliments? I can never tell.
I try to go for a faux-jolly, "Yep! I sure did!" Or "Yep! Me too!" (in the case of the one-piece comment) but it's awkward and often takes me by surprise. Then I have a moment of panic. My mind is going "what does that mean? how am I supposed to respond? Is this person just being a smart ass...?" But I'm afraid the panic and concern that flashes across my face just looks like bitchiness to the speaker of the bizarrely unfinished statement.
Worse though, someone I see on a regular basis does this sort of thing a LOT. Just makes statements. Throws them out there. Often the statements aren't about anyone present or related to the situation in anyway. He just makes some seemingly random statement and everyone else just awkwardly chuckles or hems and haws. I want to ask how he wants people to respond. But I don't think that would go over well.
I think it's great you have people in your community who care enough to notice such things. Just flow with the conversation starters.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
But she attacks ME less and less as the years go by and she finds she can't bully and make me sad. So my talking back to her isn't useless and it's no joy for me, and yes, it does work. You don't have to be a catty witch like I was in the example above but DO DIRECTLY and CALMLY, WITH NO ANGER, call the person out on it. "Oh, are you intimating that I'm fat/stupid/my hair is awful?" with a little polite I'm-embarrassed-on-your-behalf laugh.
Captain obvious
