Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My Grandma and I live with my parents in their house. I am my grandmother's primary caregiver. Things would not work if we all didn't live together.
So my father is disabled and piddles around outside a lot. He doesn't do anything constructive as he has brain damage and what's constuctive to him is a tornadic disaster to everyone else. In the summer, he often goes outside without a shirt and sweats a lot. He comes in the house smelling BAD. It's not the typical underarm body odor either. It's a sour smell, like something is going sour and beginning to rot. He takes a shower once every one to two weeks. Last week on the fifth day of not showering, his stench began wafting through the house and lingering in various rooms downstairs. His odor was in rooms he never even goes in! It's absolutely disgusting and is especially nauseating when he stands in the kitchen while I'm trying to prepare meals.
My mother has told him he stinks and needs a shower. More often than not he thinks it's funny and won't shower. He has a smart remark for every occasion. He doesn't care that he is making us sick. I had to skip lunch today because he was standing at the kitchen sink reading a newspaper. Luckily, I had already finished making Grandma's lunch.
What's even worse is that he came in the house the other day smelling like that when we had guests. At least he was wearing a shirt, but it was covered in filth. It takes a lot of work to make the house smell nice before guests come over. Then he comes in and ruins it.
Am I wrong in thinking he is being HORRIBLY inconsiderate? Yes, it's his (and my mom's) house, but other people live there and relatives visit. I am considering using a spray deodorizer anytime he is in my presence. I'm sure he'd ask what I was doing and I would then tell him he stinks so bad I want to vomit. I would like to think maybe he would decide to shower. And no, his brain damage has little to do with how aware he is of his body odor. I mean, if he wasn't brain damaged, he would shower daily. But he's not so brain damaged that he doesn't understand what he's doing, he just chooses not to care.
If I recall correctly, I think he used to at least wipe himself off with a wet rag in the basement. But he hasn't really done that in the last month. I know he's upset, depressed, concerned, and anxious about a legal matter, but that's no excuse not to smell decent.
In the cooler months, I won't have to smell this as much. But then he starts wearing his "special perfume" of motor oil and diesel fuel. So then the house smells like that. There is no winning.
Why the passive-aggressive approach of a spray deodorizer? Why don't you just tell him he smells badly, and needs to bathe more often? You did say your mother has done that, perhaps he needs to hear it from you, and repeatedly.
It isn't uncommon for the sense of smell to be dulled by age. It's possible he really doesn't know how bad it's gotten.
Who is doing the laundry? The sour smell could be coming from his clothing.
If it was that bad and I was in the situation you are in, I would absolutely tell him in any way I thought would get through (serious, non-formal, sarcastic, mocking, whatever I thought would best work).
Aside from that, something he's eating or drinking (along with him not practicing proper hygiene of course) is likely the culprit.
Sounds like he may have lost some of his sense of smell. If I was in your position, I would talk to his doctor and ask the doc to flat tell him to shower every day and change clothes. Perhaps the doc would give him some kind of calendar where he could keep track of his progress. This is a battle lots of caretakers fight with their patients.
You mentioned he is depressed. Maybe if he gets on the correct meds he will feel better and take care of himself again.
You are his kid and chances are he won't listen to you. But he might listen to his doctor! He needs to hear this from someone not in the family.
Not taking regular showers or baths or not realizing that you have body odor is not an unusual problem with people with dementia/brain damage/Alzheimer's . If he has brain damage your mother needs to discuss this issue with his neurologist or primary care physician. She could also discuss this problem with her caregiver support group or ask for advice on the caregiver forum on C-D.
Has your dad had a recent complete neuropsychological evaluation? This is a complete battery of tests that normally takes about four hours. If he has not had a recent evaluation it is possible that his brain damage has increased in severity or has started to effect a different part of his brain.
Please seek medical advice is this is something that has gotten a lot worse recently.
Last edited by germaine2626; 08-31-2016 at 01:17 PM..
Dead skin collects and smells awful. That is probably the sour smell. It might be yeasty.
Frankly, he is an adult and he lives in his own house and he can stink if he wants. Really, there is no law against stinking.
I don't think it is passive aggressive at all to spray. There are special odor killing sprays for medical reasons. I can't think of any brand names but that is something to investigate.
I have an ozone machine for eliminating odors. The one I have is industrial strength and it can't be used when people are in the room, but it could be used in an enclosed area. That is quite effective.
I would focus on odor control for the environment and I would have no problem spraying him with something non-toxic, like a hose. You have asked him to bathe, and I wouldn't hesitate to be very blunt because he is not aware. Sometimes people have to be told point blank. It sounds like that is not working so you have to do what you can to save yourself at this point.
Why the passive-aggressive approach of a spray deodorizer? Why don't you just tell him he smells badly, and needs to bathe more often? You did say your mother has done that, perhaps he needs to hear it from you, and repeatedly.
Seriously!
TALK to him; TELL him.
And, yes, who is doing the laundry?
OMG; don't tell your mom but I think I'm married to your dad.
My husband is JUST like that. Except the "smart remark" part, although he comes up with some good one's it's usually along the lines of "F*** YOU".
He's not been diagnosed as brain damaged but the man has had 13 concussions (motorcycles, cars & fighting in his younger days) & at one point was in a coma for several weeks so I'd imagine a TBI diagnosis of some sort is pending pretty soon.
IF he'd go see a doctor. Which he won't. He was injured in a MVA last month when he was hit by a girl who was texting while driving & he REFUSED medical treatment. And yes; I know thats his right to do so.
During the work week he showers daily but over the weekend; never. The M-F showers are not even cutting it because he sweats ALOT & he's a Welder so he's still black-tinged AFTER a shower & his sweat smells like ... metal. He also thinks shampoo is a "waste of money" & uses bar soap instead.
I wish I had some tips for you but I'm at a loss also.
Three weeks ago we held a casual family reunion. He had been working in the yard in 90 degree heat for 2 days & when I reminded him that soon we would have a housefull & maybe he'd want to jump in the shower; his reply was ... "F*** YOU".
Then my son & DIL arrived with the new grandbaby; only 2 weeks old & he wanted to hold her! My DIL said "Well; only if you wash up first!"
Then he shuffled into the kitchen looking like a little kid who had been sent to stand in the corner & proceeded to scrub himself up in the KITCHEN SINK with my dish soap AND BRUSH.
I hate to say this, but many elderly people do not enjoy bathing. It is not always due to Alzheimer's or a mental disorder. I worked in nursing homes for years and many elderly just don't want to bathe very often. In some cases, they have grown up in a different generation where running water in homes wasn't always available and they got used to only having an occasional bath. My husband's father is 80 and he believes it's wrong to use up lots of water by having a daily bath. He wipes himself off with a wet towel sometimes. He does have body odor and it is strong. One of the issues we've had is that when I went to stay in their home, I would bathe every day and they got upset because I was using their water. They did not believe in daily baths, but wouldn't admit it. I soon realized that neither his mom or his dad would bathe every day.
You are his kid and chances are he won't listen to you. But he might listen to his doctor! He needs to hear this from someone not in the family.
That's a great point, and one people overlook when dealing with the complexity of this type of interpersonal family issue. Even if the "kid" is 65 and the parent is 85, in the parent's eye, saying such a thing would be looked at as disrespectful backtalk as if the "kid" were still 10 and be ignored or rebuked with prejudice.
It still would be worthwhile to have an alternative plan, though, to somehow get another person trusted by the dad (doctor or someone else), to intervene.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
