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I have known Mindy since junior high school. Through high school we were best friends, and we remained close for about three years following graduation. Then marriages and moves kind of separated us, though we occasionally touched base briefly through the years.
Last year, out of the blue, Mindy contacted a sibling of mine who was giving a performance, and when she was told I would be there, she surprised me by showing up. We renewed our friendship and have been in contact fairly regularly for the last year. She lives about an hour away from me, and I have been to her place many times in that year. She has never once made the return journey to visit me where I reside, though she has been invited numerous times.
I am currently sharing a house with my 30 year old daughter, who has decided she wants to live alone. I’m cool with this, as I am feeling the same need. I have a job that allows me to work from home as long as I have a good Internet connection, so I can virtually go anywhere I choose.
Mindy had been having disagreements with her current landlord, and told me she was moving to another area in a neighboring state. We thought it would be fun if I found a place near her and we could start over together. We spent several days together scoping out possible places for me which would be near her. I found a place I liked that was literally 10 minutes away from the house she had contracted to rent, and I signed a one year lease.
This is a fairly remote area—the closest population center of any size is more than an hour away, and it’s hours away from my two kids and most of the rest of my family, but I had my good friend nearby and was excited about the move.
One week before she was supposed to move (I was going to follow a month later, when my new lease is slated to begin) she told me she changed her mind and decided to move to another place that was 10 minutes from where she currently was. Admittedly, this new place is a better fit for her than the place she was going to move to.
But now I find myself locked into a lease I cannot get out of, hours away from everyone I know, in a very remote part of a state I’ve never lived in. Mindy showed no remorse at backing out on such short notice, and basically told me I was being silly for being upset about it. She said we’ll still be within about 90 minutes of each other and she will come and see me. But she never came to see me when we were within an hour of each other before, so I know this is BS. If the friendship is to survive, it will be me doing all of the traveling.
To top it off, I had told her I would help her move back when she was moving with me out of state, but since she was staying in the neighborhood, she had plenty of help and didn’t need me, so I told her via text I wouldn’t be there. She berated me, saying it would have been nice to have her friend around, and she was disappointed in me because I wasn’t excited that she found a great place, ending with this passive/aggressive zinger “But I won’t hold it against you. I still love you.”
I am devastated by this turn of events. I will be moving by myself in four weeks, far from family and friends, and have had to work really hard to keep myself from going under emotionally. Mindy has indicated that she thinks our friendship will go on as before, but I have no interest in this friendship any longer. I feel like she doesn’t really understand how she pulled the rug out from under me, and thinks I’m being overly sensitive about the change of plans.
Am I being too hard on her? This new place will be better for her, so should I just try to be happy for her and let this go?
Mindy had been having disagreements with her current landlord, and told me she was moving to another area in a neighboring state. We thought it would be fun if I found a place near her and we could start over together. We spent several days together scoping out possible places for me which would be near her. I found a place I liked that was literally 10 minutes away from the house she had contracted to rent, and I signed a one year lease.
Making plans is fun. Househunting is fun. Moving a long distance isn't fun.
Mindy is a "fun" friend.
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One week before she was supposed to move (I was going to follow a month later, when my new lease is slated to begin) she told me she changed her mind and decided to move to another place that was 10 minutes from where she currently was. Admittedly, this new place is a better fit for her than the place she was going to move to.
I find that many people like to make plans but have no intention of ever following through on them.
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But now I find myself locked into a lease I cannot get out of, hours away from everyone I know, in a very remote part of a state I’ve never lived in.
As the other commenter said, offer the leasing office enough money to terminate the lease and do it as soon as possible so they can re-rent. The lease termination fee is most likely negotiable, so start small.
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To top it off, I had told her I would help her move back when she was moving with me out of state, but since she was staying in the neighborhood, she had plenty of help and didn’t need me, so I told her via text I wouldn’t be there. She berated me, saying it would have been nice to have her friend around, and she was disappointed in me because I wasn’t excited that she found a great place, ending with this passive/aggressive zinger “But I won’t hold it against you. I still love you.”
Texting her was passive-aggressive too, you know.
Look, if you're not being fun, Mindy has no use for you.
I'm just curious why you didn't entertain the possibility that she might change her mind about living there? Why would you want to live in a remote place where you didn't know anybody else? I think you put too much responsibility on her to be your only friend in that place. You know what I mean? I would try to have a circle of friends, so that no one person is relied on too heavily. I had a woman a while back who put a lot of pressure on me as her BFF, would get upset and disappointed if I didn't do everything she wanted me to, spend every weekend with her, talk to her constantly on the phone or email; it got too much for me. I wanted to branch out and have other friends, not just her, and she was suffocating me.
That was a pretty maniacal thing to do. Ask the leaseholder if you can work something out, I'm sure they understand life happens, but don't tell them what actually happened, because it's really weird to AFTER ALL THIS TIME think you were going to be besties at your age now. If she never chose to seek you out in the... what, 30 years you've been apart, then she had something else in mind from the start.
You don't need that relationship. I am curious though, as to why someone your age got into this sort of situation in the first place. You probably should have known better if she's been flaky from the start.
Making plans is fun. Househunting is fun. Moving a long distance isn't fun.
Mindy is a "fun" friend.
I find that many people like to make plans but have no intention of ever following through on them.
As the other commenter said, offer the leasing office enough money to terminate the lease and do it as soon as possible so they can re-rent. The lease termination fee is most likely negotiable, so start small.
Texting her was passive-aggressive too, you know.
Look, if you're not being fun, Mindy has no use for you.
Not sure what your point is here. Even if the lease termination fee is equal to one month's rent (and it may not be) paying it is cheaper than holding up the contractual obligation of 12 months' rent.
I agree with the poster who said it was stupid to move to a remote area w/o knowing anyone, knowing the area and loving it for iteself, etc. (other than a long-lost friend who planned to move there) - it's not like OP is too young to know better.
When you are older and alone, it isn't a good idea as a rule to move to a remote area. Even if you had one single friend in the area, that is not a good idea because you can't depend on that kind of a friend to fill your life.
I don't think she is a bad friend but she isn't a lifeline. She never was supposed to be. That isn't what a friend is. She has her own life and there are places where your lives intersect, but she makes choices based on what is best for her.
You are supposed to make choices on what is best for you.
You two discussed a plan that wasn't very practical. She ended up finding a situation that was better for her and so she took advantage of it. That is what she should have done. She didn't do anything wrong.
To me, it sounds like you are dependent on this friend, or became so and that was your mistake. Your life doesn't revolve around a friend.
If you had a more committed plan and decided to pool your resources to live together and share housing, that would be a different story. Just as it would be a different story to move in with a 'boyfriend'. The relationship is the focal point in a situation like that. It sounds to me that you were making the relationship a focal point, when it wasn't.
That is on you. Don't blame the friend for your neediness. That is why she doesn't 'get it' because it is hard to understand your thought process.
I am not trying to be mean, because I am on your side. I am just trying to put the situation into perspective.
What I would do maybe, is take this as an opportunity and make the move. I believe that there is a reason for everything and sometimes mistakes are really opportunities. You don't know what opportunity awaits you and maybe there is something in this new area that will benefit you.
That is one possibility that you might consider. See where life takes you because sometimes you have to take risks.
This is a one year commitment, not a lifetime commitment.
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