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The sad truth is that family can get a lot of mileage out of emotional blackmail. There is leverage because family usually cares about previous and future relationships and because they often know where to hit where it hurts most.
I have 2 younger sisters and was executor of my Dad's estate. His will was pretty simple and unambiguous, but one sister challenged every aspect of it. She was always known as the "snarky one" growing up. Never lost an opportunity to fight over the tiniest things. I know my Dad expected trouble from her, as he included a clause in the will stating that if any of his heirs challenged his will they were summarily disinherited. He had directed that all was to be divided equally which made perfect sense. As I am a pretty peaceful collaborative person I started off the whole probate process by getting agreement on all the major decisions. Probably too much so, but I naively assumed everyone would cooperate about it. I duly found a probate attorney but the contrary sister decided she didn't want to drive that far to his office (a day before the first meeting I'd scheduled a month earlier) and demanded I choose one she knew a shorter distance away. Looking back, I suspect she wanted one at a more prestigious zip code. Luckily it was obvious both could do what we needed so I let it go. Bad move. Contrary sister insisted on scheduling meetings so she could attend (we lived in other states or the UK) even though she was reminded that the attorney represents the executor specifically, not the other heirs. I would have been within my rights to make most of these decisions without consulting my sisters but didn't want to be disrespectful. Contrary sister started calling the attorney directly without discussing issues with me, actually argued with him face to face, dominated the meetings, kept whipping out her cellphone to second guess information presented, and would then pick fights with me in the car on the way home. One time I just about left her standing on a freeway median. When she needed to provide information for the various documents she invariably kept everyone hanging until the last minute...and would blow up when reminded. She even argued over every minute aspect of my Dad's memorial service. Basically a disgruntled control freak.
Getting back to the financial aspects. As it happened, this sister and I had taken many trips to help my Dad through the last miserable 2 years of bad health and worse living situations. My other sister lives in the UK, is married to an older diabetic husband, with 2 teenage sons, hadn't functioned in the USA for over 25 years, so not very practical or simple for her to drop everything and fly across the pond every time there was a crisis. Contrary sister happened to be the closest to him geographically, is also married but does not work, so probably ended up making the trip more often than I was able to. My Dad kept asking her for receipts so he could repay our travel expenses...I did but somehow she never could come up with her accountings so most of it didn't get resolved. As time went on the expenses kept increasing and my Dad wasn't tracking his finances very well so I became his POA and bill payer. When I would ask for the same accounting she never got around to it. There was one investment account I insisted that he designate a beneficiary for, so it would not be subject to probate....and this way I could reimburse either of us for necessary travel more quickly. Very very glad I did. When the time came I immediately split the account proceeds, and the balance was enough to cover anything that was probably owed. I also considered myself repaid and did not claim anything else. This made her livid, but I felt it was fair.
When it came time for the estate to settle any financial obligations she finally got around to claiming all these pre-death expenses. Doesn't work that way according to the attorney. The estate can reimburse documented expenses incurred after death, but not before if there hadn't been a bill presented. I kept reminding her that she HAD been repaid through that mutual fund but it didn't seem to matter. She demanded that the estate reimburse her before it was distributed to all, or at least provide her with a larger percentage of the assets. She wailed that UK sister hadn't done anything to "deserve" an equal share, that she had borne the brunt of my Dad's health problems, had lost family time, racked up credit card debt, and had been unable to get the planned part time job to save money for her daughter's upcoming college tuition. The last was a complete surprise. She hadn't worked for her daughter's entire lifetime, not just the previous 2 years. The attorney did his job and kept rebuffing all this. Then she demanded that I find a way "under the table" to reimburse her out of the estate by lying about how it was dispersed. I refused time and time again. She kept trying....fought every decision during the house market and sale, you name it.
Well, the attorney SHE selected did his job. I stuck to my guns despite sleepless nights and horrible quarrels. My Dad's will was respected which I feel great about. Probate ended. The final little bit of justice happened when we cleared out the house. We were all supposed to sort through the family belongings and agree about who got them. Not too much disagreement there amazingly. UK sister and I managed to sort and label things; pretty much a few mementos. Contrary sister spent weeks dithering over the majority of it, unable to decide what to donate or give away, and never got around to labeling anything one way or another. I finally had the attorney send a letter dictating a deadline...the date for the moving company to pack up the house. Again, screaming that I was unreasonable (despite paying all the house bills month after month which was whittling away at the estate). As she didn't specify what she did want and demanded more time to decide, I told the movers to deliver all the unlabeled items to her. When it arrived in the driveway and she called me appalled how much there was, I commented that I didn't want to take the chance that something she wanted might have gone missing. She had to hire a storage unit for it all.
Even the pile of mildew-stained 70's era men's business suits.
Last edited by Parnassia; 11-21-2016 at 05:48 PM..
AllisonHB - Sounds like you've been through it with your sister. My hope is that my mom made good on her threat to write me out of her will. I'd be thrilled if my brother had to deal with the hassle of probate and cleaning out her place. He already got all the money. He deserves all the work.
AllisonHB - Sounds like you've been through it with your sister. My hope is that my mom made good on her threat to write me out of her will. I'd be thrilled if my brother had to deal with the hassle of probate and cleaning out her place. He already got all the money. He deserves all the work.
Being a executor is a lot of work especially if the person didn't think things out or keep good asset records. No one can force you to act as executor. If she happens to ask, you could refuse. Even if she only leaves instructions in her will that you act, you can still refuse, so it could all fall on your brother!
I have no plans to ever reconnect with them. I made that very clear in September to them both. They just don't want to accept that. Not because they miss me, but because they want money. They're greedy awful people. I'm better off without them in my life.
Congratulations for standing up for yourself and cutting manipulative users out of your life!
UNC4me, I was hoping you would update us. I don't believe you can get a restraining order unless they have threatened you. However if he shows up, and you tell him you do not want him to come back, then he is on notice that any further visits will be considered trespassing. Then you can get the police involved.
I THINK this is how it works but I am by no means an expert. Good luck and keep us posted.
Start documenting, put up a cheap security camera so you have proof he's been to your door. I would think you could go down to your local police office and talk with them about what you can or should do.
Thanks Germaine. You have it right. My dad did leave 300K each to my brother and to me. My brother blew through his in 3 years.
I invested my 300K and it's grown considerably in the last 25 years. I've never spent a dime of it even when doing so would have made my life a bunch easier, but I decided it should be put aside for retirement. They keep asking if I have any of that money left and insinuating that if so my dad would expect me to share it. That makes me feel so terrible.
Don't you fall for their nonsense and manipulation when they insinuate that your dad would want you to share your portion of the inheritance. Such nerve! How dare they?!
Then my mother went on a letter writing campaign. I read the first one, but since they were just more of the same just trashed all the others without opening. She also had the gall to call my best friend to ask her to try and convince me to talk to her. BF told her that she supported my decision to end contact and to please not call again.
Things were quiet for a couple months, but now my brother has come to my house twice in the last week. He's done nothing but ring the doorbell and then leave when there was no answer. I was home both times, but since my car was in the garage he had no way to know I was there and left pretty quickly...
One other thing I thought of is that I live in a gated community. There's a sign at the gate that there is no admittance unless invited by a resident. I did not invite him and he never had my gate code which I also changed when I cut off my mom. He had to have come in behind a resident who was entering. Can I report him to the police and request a restraining order since he entered without invitation?
I applaud your friend for defending you AND for asking your mom to not contact her anymore.
Regarding your gate: I used to live in a certain gated community. Technically, the gate existed but it was constantly open even late at night or broken.
Have you spoken to management? Your brother may not have driven in behind anyone. It could be that he just took advantage of a poorly-managed gate.
I sympathize, but if your mother is of sound mind and body and wants to give brother and wife money she can do so. it's her money to do with as she chooses. So they are manipulative - so what?
You need to stop making yourself crazy about it. Nothing you can do unless you feel they are stealing from her, in which case you better be able to prove it. Or, if you feel they might trick her into giving them her money after she dies, see a lawyer. But, she might want to do that for her own reasons.
Sure, you can tell they to stop manipulating, and they can tell you to **** off.
Sorry OP, but you need to accept things you have no control over and can't change.
OP you say you refuse to be dragged into their crazy, but you already ARE. Look at the time and energy you've already spent.
A therapist and a lawyer might help. Random strangers on an internet forum can't solve this problem for you.
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