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Well, the bleep has definitely hit the fan. To make the backstory as short as possible:
My dad died 25 years ago and left plenty of money to take care of my mother for the rest of her life. She's now 87 and in great health. What he didn't account for was that my mother would support my lazy brother and his equally lazy wife for most of those years. And when I say support I mean writing them a check every month to cover all their living expenses, buying them cars, giving them a hefty down payment on a house and even giving them money to take very nice vacations. As of a couple months ago, she's out of money and living on her SS check and a couple small pension payments. She and my brother have been attempting to guilt me into taking over his monthly stipend and I've been refusing. I have told my mother that if she needs anything to be paid and can't do so that I will take care of it as long as I pay the utility or whatever directly. She got really mad at this and said I was treating her like a child by refusing to give her cash. Of course what she really meant is I was quashing her attempts to get money from me to give to my brother.
Yesterday she called and said my brother is 2 months behind on his mortgage and is going to lose his house. She went on to say that unless I come up with the money, she will have to move out of the retirement community where she lives and in with my brother so her SS and pension can be spent on his expenses. She said it would break her heart to have to leave her home and friends and all because I was being selfish. I told her I was sorry to hear that, but in no way was I willing to subsidize the lifestyle of two people who are capable of working, but too lazy to do so. She hung up on me.
Then my brother called and I was dumping her on them when I could just take her in. I told him that there was no need for either of us to take her in and that her SS/pensions were sufficient for her to remain where she is, but not sufficient to support his household as well and that he needed to take some responsibility and get a job. I also told him that to remove her from a place that will care for her if/when she gets to the place where she needs it was ridiculous and he needed to worry more about her than himself. So then he hung up on me
I feel like this is just the latest attempt to guilt me into agreeing to funnel my hard earned money to my brother. If not, my concern is this: If she moves in with him and then needs additional care, either my brother will kick her out and I'm not sure where she would go or keep her there to get her checks but ignore her needs. I'm so sick of both of them and their drama and their unhealthy co-dependent relationship that I'm ready to wash my hands of them both.
(Darn. I mistyped emotional in the thread title. This mess is really making me overly emotional!)
I could really relate to your post. My toxic family reunion is in full swing: The malignant narcisisst, followed by the golden child, an overspoiled brat who could do no wrong, who eagerly volunteers for messy family messenger, spy/snitch, and henchman duty when the malignant narcissistic parent summons. Lastly, my role in the tragic comedy of errors, the scapegoat. If youŕe lucky you´ll be informed in great detail why you cannot receive love and fair and equal treatment, or why you are inferior, or exactly why you are unloveable by the family. If youŕe not so lucky, they will smile in your face, gaslight you, emotonally abuse you, and then express, surprise and dismay and indignation when you grow a spine and call them out on their sh*tty behavior.
But I digress. You need to put your needs first why making some attempt to look after your mom. Sadly if the sibling-shaped parasite refuses to release your mother from his clutches, you may have to gather evidence to justify a restraining order and have him put out of your mother´s life. Your mother will be furious with you and it may get to the point where an exorcism would be needed, but if you love your mother, you have to protect her from your greedy, selfish predatory brother.
Itś that sad season of life when you have to parent a parent who cannot look after themselves as well as they should.
My brother came by yet again. I got him on camera and recorded myself telling him he is not welcome on my property. Sent that off to my attorney who is sending him a cease and desist letter via registered mail. Once he has gotten it, I can call the police if he ever comes back.
Fortunately my mother hasn't tried to contact me. I know from a family friend she didn't move in with my brother and is still at the retirement community. Between her SS and pensions, she can afford all the basics she needs. She won't have the money to travel or for any extras, but she shoulda thought of that before giving all her funds to my worthless brother.
I could really relate to your post. My toxic family reunion is in full swing: The malignant narcisisst, followed by the golden child, an overspoiled brat who could do no wrong, who eagerly volunteers for messy family messenger, spy/snitch, and henchman duty when the malignant narcissistic parent summons. Lastly, my role in the tragic comedy of errors, the scapegoat. If youŕe lucky you´ll be informed in great detail why you cannot receive love and fair and equal treatment, or why you are inferior, or exactly why you are unloveable by the family. If youŕe not so lucky, they will smile in your face, gaslight you, emotonally abuse you, and then express, surprise and dismay and indignation when you grow a spine and call them out on their sh*tty behavior.
But I digress. You need to put your needs first why making some attempt to look after your mom. Sadly if the sibling-shaped parasite refuses to release your mother from his clutches, you may have to gather evidence to justify a restraining order and have him put out of your mother´s life. Your mother will be furious with you and it may get to the point where an exorcism would be needed, but if you love your mother, you have to protect her from your greedy, selfish predatory brother.
Itś that sad season of life when you have to parent a parent who cannot look after themselves as well as they should.
Scapegoat. Been there, done that. Spent years being treated as less than. Now I'm free of it and couldn't be happier that I no longer have to put up with their crap.
My mother is equally culpable when it comes to wasting her money. She allowed it and enabled it for his whole life. Now she has to live with the consequences. And so does he. That's where it got really ugly. When I refused to participate financially in their circle of disfunction.
My brother came by yet again. I got him on camera and recorded myself telling him he is not welcome on my property. Sent that off to my attorney who is sending him a cease and desist letter via registered mail. Once he has gotten it, I can call the police if he ever comes back.
Fortunately my mother hasn't tried to contact me. I know from a family friend she didn't move in with my brother and is still at the retirement community. Between her SS and pensions, she can afford all the basics she needs. She won't have the money to travel or for any extras, but she shoulda thought of that before giving all her funds to my worthless brother.
I'm sorry your brother is giving you a hard time, but at least it sounds like your mother isn't giving him the SS/pension she needs to remain in her community. I guess that's not really surprising - she might have let him suck her savings dry but she's not going to give up her only income and her home and friends for his sake. Just more proof that all her talk about how she'll have to move in with him and give him her SS/pension money was just a manipulation tactic to guilt you into giving her/him money. Good for you for standing firm.
I sympathize, but if your mother is of sound mind and body and wants to give brother and wife money she can do so. it's her money to do with as she chooses. So they are manipulative - so what?
You need to stop making yourself crazy about it. Nothing you can do unless you feel they are stealing from her, in which case you better be able to prove it. Or, if you feel they might trick her into giving them her money after she dies, see a lawyer. But, she might want to do that for her own reasons.
Sure, you can tell they to stop manipulating, and they can tell you to **** off.
Sorry OP, but you need to accept things you have no control over and can't change.
I've accepted that I have no control over their behavior. I've accepted that it's best to have no contact with them. I've accepted that they're crappy people. Now I need them to accept that I'm not going to give any of them a dime. Ever. If they'd accept that, I'm sure I'd never hear from them again.
OP you say you refuse to be dragged into their crazy, but you already ARE. Look at the time and energy you've already spent.
I know it's a long topic but if you read the OP's responses, you'll see that she decided to cut them, and their crazy, out of her life.
Quote:
A therapist and a lawyer might help. Random strangers on an internet forum can't solve this problem for you.
I don't disagree that a therapist and lawyer would help but again, it sounds like she already has a lawyer and is in touch with him about this. As for random strangers on an internet forum, I don't think she expects any of us to solve it, I think she just wanted a unbias place to vent and get some feedback on how best to deal with all this, and I think she got a lot of good advice. I appreciate the updates from her too - it's educational to see how this is playing out.
My brother came by yet again. I got him on camera and recorded myself telling him he is not welcome on my property. Sent that off to my attorney who is sending him a cease and desist letter via registered mail. Once he has gotten it, I can call the police if he ever comes back.
I could really relate to your post. My toxic family reunion is in full swing: The malignant narcisisst, followed by the golden child, an overspoiled brat who could do no wrong, who eagerly volunteers for messy family messenger, spy/snitch, and henchman duty when the malignant narcissistic parent summons. Lastly, my role in the tragic comedy of errors, the scapegoat. If youŕe lucky you´ll be informed in great detail why you cannot receive love and fair and equal treatment, or why you are inferior, or exactly why you are unloveable by the family. If youŕe not so lucky, they will smile in your face, gaslight you, emotonally abuse you, and then express, surprise and dismay and indignation when you grow a spine and call them out on their sh*tty behavior.
Wow! I could have written that, although I couldn't write it as well as you have. My brother was the golden child who did all the things you mention. I was the scapegoat subjected to everything you've described. Once I cut them out of my life I was so much happier, after mourning the parents I wanted to have but didn't and never would, I felt so free! I could focus on my own children and husband and not worry about their craziness anymore. It took a lot of therapy, and a lot of tears, to cut them from my life but it was the best thing I ever did.
People said I would miss my parents when they were gone but that just wasn't true. I felt nothing other than relief when they died.
The saddest thing about it is my brother has repeated the pattern. Couldn't have done a better job if he had road map. Now his son is the golden child and his poor daughter has always been the scapegoat. Brother's wife is a malignant narcissist and brother carries out her wishes. All very sad for my sweet niece who never deserved to be treated this way. But then no child deserves such treatment, do they? But when a narcissist is the center of the family, controlling everything and everyone, someone has to be the scapegoat. It has to be someone's fault that the family is so messed up and miserable because it certainly can never be the fault of the narcissist! She must always be obeyed and her illusion of perfection protected.
Sigh........sorry you had to go through it. Interesting how similar such families are. And how sad for everyone involved.
My brother came by yet again. I got him on camera and recorded myself telling him he is not welcome on my property. Sent that off to my attorney who is sending him a cease and desist letter via registered mail. Once he has gotten it, I can call the police if he ever comes back.
Fortunately my mother hasn't tried to contact me. I know from a family friend she didn't move in with my brother and is still at the retirement community. Between her SS and pensions, she can afford all the basics she needs. She won't have the money to travel or for any extras, but she shoulda thought of that before giving all her funds to my worthless brother.
I am so very impressed with how you have handled all of this! Never doubt that you are doing the right thing because you are.
OP...just wanted to say good job on standing your ground. These people are a cancer on your life.
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