Elderly relative moved in and already driving us nuts (present, aging, issues)
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This is definitely stressful change in one's life taking on another family member to move in. I hope your FIL will get better soon. Getting him help sounds like something he needs to adjust. I wish you well.
You are doing a good job of caring and it is obvious you care for him.
Be sure and have a written list of the issues to give Senior Support so you don't miss important things that they might need to know but get lost in the conversation.
Excellent point.
And, try to be specific. The first time that I called my local Council on Aging they were not very helpful at all because I did know what I needed. A few months later I called again, with specific questions and they were extremely, extremely helpful.
Thank you. We are in Canada (hence the October blizzards) but I'll talk to my H about what kind of exam to propose.
Since my original post, he's been back to the butcher and is now chopping wood in the driveway. It's still a blizzard. And his fireplace is electric. This is not normal, right?
I live in the south and that's what people here do at the first mention of snow. Perhaps he hasn't lived in the cold before?
Has he always been a very high energy person? Is he ADHD? My father wasn't diagnosed with that until he was in his 70's. He could never sit still for a minute, his entire life. It kept him thin, and busy!
He moved in to "help us" and see his grandchildren more. We recently found out his longtime girlfriend told him to leave because he was driving her crazy.
How exactly was he going to help you? Do you mean financially?
You never inquired if he was living with this woman why that was ending? First thing I would ask is 'what happened there?".
I find your post a little odd, when an elderly relative moves in with family it's because they can no longer live on their own. They're not moving in to help the family.
It sure sounds like there is something going on mentally, but he seems to be in great shape physically.
72 isn't old, by any means. A senior, yes, but not old, IMO. My dad is in his mid-80s and still active most of the day.
I can relate to the man, since my dad is somewhat the same. It's possible that in many cases, he's just very active. My dad likes to keep busy and not sit and watch tv or something. He still cares for his half acre yard by himself. When not doing that, he's tending his fruit trees or picking fruit. Or he's canning figs. Or he's volunteering at a church in another town. Or he's mowing the neighbor's yard for him. My dad isn't mentally unbalanced. He's from a generation that held the belief that you're either active or you're lazy. So he's active. Your FIL may be similar.
As for the wood, you assumed he's chopping it for his fp. But did he say that? Is he chopping it for someone else? Or just to have something to do? Or does it remind him of the old days, and he just wanted to do that? That may seem strange to younger people, but I can see my dad doing that. He'd find a use for the wood later. Maybe give it away.
As for the early morning buzz saw and such, just be firm about it, and keep reminding him. He may forget.
I agree to have him evaluated for dementia. But I suspect he just is regular ol' senior forgetfulness, and a very active person like my dad.
All the activities he does is actually good for him physically. I wouldn't interfere with that. (Although a saw is pretty dangerous, when one gets older.)
As for the returning to the house in between errands, that's odd, but may be an indication of the need to keep in touch with people. In other words, he may not do well alone. My brother is like that. So he goes back to the house to drop something off, and can have a short conversation with a human being, or see if you guys are awake, and then leave again. And repeat. If he's not mentally ill, I don't see a problem w/that. Does that disturb you?
Moving, esp for seniors, is very traumatic. I'd cut him some slack, while at the same time focusing on the most important things, which I gather is the loud noise early in the morning. To expect the world to stop making noise all day because one is asleep from shift work is impractical and won't work; if it were me, I'd take steps to buffer my bedroom from noise. I think that would be more successful than trying to make everyone else not make noise. It's also unfair to others, since day time is when most things have to be done. (Dark shades in room; earplugs; radio or white noise; tv on to boring programs.) Myself, I sleep with the tv on and drift off just fine. It helps the dogs not notice any sound from outside, too.
I'd encourage him to join a group regarding some interest of his. Because of his energy level, I would think an exercise group for seniors or even yoga might be good. But I suspect he wouldn't. It would be good if he had more structure in his life, and a more focused way to direct his energy. If he's hyper, there are mild drugs that could help with that, but if he's mentally okay, that would be his decision. Not good to be taking too many drugs, and no doubt he'll have to be on drugs for other things in the future.
He also needs projects around the house. Have you assigned him chores? You might try that.
He (FIL) is 72. He moved in two months ago. He hid an anxiety disorder from us and drives us nuts. He worries CONSTANTLY and copes by repetitive questions. He panics about the weather. It snowed8 inches/freezing rain overnight and he's been to a&w, Walmart, now home hardware, and is panicking about hurrying up to get steaks for dinner (it's 8am and the BBQ is covered in frozen rain).
My spouse works overnights. He refuses to respect his need for day sleep (buzz saw at 6am in garage). He came from Eastern time zone and still starts his day at 3am - while complaining nothing's open until 6am.
I don't think it's going to work. But he's older and alone. He's been good to us but clearly wasn't being honest about his capabilities. We bought a house with a full suite to accommodate him!!
I don't know what to do. I am wondering if I need to find a social worker.
He's family. He's old. Perhaps he doesn't think that what he does that annoys you is a problem, hence no 'honesty about his capabilities.' As others have mentioned, sounds like dementia.
Have a talk with him about the buzz saw at 6 in the morning. Go with him on a Dr.'s appt. and mention the anxiety in front of your FIL. They can prescribe medication for it.
If he's been good to you, and he's blood, I think you need to accommodate him. I put up with far, far worse from my FIL. JMHO.
PS: I don't mean to sound cold towards OP. I have been through this (9 1/2 yrs) and all the help offered on this thread by other Posters is warranted. But the bottom line is: He is Family. We all get old, you will be someday too. And when your mind is going, would you not want someone beside you who knows and loves you, no matter what? You said he has noone else. So step up to the plate and take him on. Your heart will be rewarded in the end, and you'll know you've done the right thing.
My FIL was scared to death of being placed in a Nursing home. He knew while he still had some sane thoughts to tell us that. If you are in the same situation, where FIL is afraid of anyone but family, I think you'd best serve him by allowing him to stay. If you can get healthcare for him to come to the house, that would be even better. Hang in there OP, I've been there, done that. It is very hard, but you'll come out of this much wiser, and with a stronger constitution.
Last edited by TerraDown; 10-16-2016 at 03:47 PM..
Reason: thinking back to my time doing this same thing...
Well, my H tried to have a talk. One hour, in their language, I understood enough. He doesn't like me, my kids, and will be buying a one way ticket back. He has refused any notion of seeing a GP. He said he is not interested in changing and that's it. So, I guess that's it. Wish I knew this before we bought this house with an in-law suite.
Well, my H tried to have a talk. One hour, in their language, I understood enough. He doesn't like me, my kids, and will be buying a one way ticket back. He has refused any notion of seeing a GP. He said he is not interested in changing and that's it. So, I guess that's it. Wish I knew this before we bought this house with an in-law suite.
Good riddance as far as I say. LOL.
On a serious note, maybe you can rent out the in-law suite to a local college student??
...maybe you can rent out the in-law suite to a local college student??
Good idea....or maybe another elderly person who can take care of their own ADLs but just needs to be closer to people. (an elderly person would probably be less trouble, quieter, better about paying the rent, keeping the place clean, etc.)
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