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I've been married for 30 years to a man who has major anxiety issues. He worries excessively over things that wouldn't bother most people. For example, after the recent internet hacking attack, he is worried that hackers will turn on our Wi-Fi enabled oven remotely, and he wanted to know how to disconnect this feature!
More than anything my husband is constantly worries that some terrible thing will happen to me if I go out on my own. He dislikes it when I leave the house and tracks my every movement using the Find My iPhone app. If I don't arrive home at the time he thinks I should, he'll often call me to find out where I am.
Last week my husband's extreme anxiety triggered an incident that I thought was funny. I had gone to the gym, parked nearby but decided to stop in at a CVS on the corner to pick up a few things. Just after I got to the gym, my phone rang. It was my husband. "Where are you?" he asked. He said that he was watching my progress on his iPad, using the Find My iPhone app. The app made it appear that I was at the gas station across the street! Puzzled, he had called me to find out what was going on.
A couple of days later I was with a friend and told her about this incident. I was laughing as I related the story because I thought that the sheer absurdity of my husband's tracking my every move would seem funny to her as well. I'm used to it, and it doesn't bother me. But to my surprise, my friend reacted with anger. She is angry at my husband for what she sees as controlling, overbearing behavior. She thinks that my husband treats me like a child and that I should not permit it.
Am I wrong for seeing the humor in the situation, or is my friend wrong for making such a big deal out of it?
I think you are doing very well with what some people would find no patience for. You've lived with his anxiety for 30 years. You see his behavior as a sign of anxiety rather than a sign of control-freakiness.
The fact that you can laugh about it??? Good for you! Very few people are mature enough to see, as you do, that his behavior is not really about you.
Your friend is out of line.
Your husband would benefit from treatment/medication.
To be honest, I don't find it funny; I find it sad. But it's not something I've lived with for three decades, so I'm probably not as jaded to it as you are. Just as your friend is not. I don't know that I would respond in anger, but to someone for whom this is not a daily normal, it's not unusual for them to find it controlling and overbearing.
I think you are doing very well with what some people would find no patience for. You've lived with his anxiety for 30 years. You see his behavior as a sign of anxiety rather than a sign of control-freakiness.
The fact that you can laugh about it??? Good for you! Very few people are mature enough to see, as you do, that his behavior is not really about you.
Your friend is out of line.
Your husband would benefit from treatment/medication.
Thanks, Stagemomma. It's true, his behavior is not about me and it's not "control-freaky" even though it appears that way. It's all about fear. He's afraid he might lose me. He has no family or close friends, so I am all he's got.
Luckily both he and I have a sense of humor about ourselves. I think my friend is somewhat lacking in that department.
My husband could definitely benefit from treatment for his anxiety, but the problem is that he thinks he's normal!
If a friend told me such a thing about her husband's behavior, I would be shocked and upset that she live with such a burden. But you recognize this as a kind of disability and you have managed it for so long now that you can be functional with it. My own husband has a few quirks -- we've been together 15 years and I also can deal with him -- that were likely the reason I'm his 3rd wife. I generally don't share the frustrating aspects of his personality with friends.
If you don't add the "anxiety" idea in there, it does sound very controlling. If you were a new bride, I would caution you to try to seek out some resources so you and your husband could work through this. But you've been living with this for 30 years and it's not bothersome to you, so it is what it is. I don't find it funny, either, but I'm not in your shoes. I can definitely understand why someone would else see it as controlling; if it's a friend you don't know very well, it may sound like you're using "anxiety" as an excuse for controlling behavior. That might be where your "friend" is coming from. But you know him much better than she does.
To be honest, I don't find it funny; I find it sad. But it's not something I've lived with for three decades, so I'm probably not as jaded to it as you are. Just as your friend is not. I don't know that I would respond in anger, but to someone for whom this is not a daily normal, it's not unusual for them to find it controlling and overbearing.
I can understand why my friend would react the way she did because she has been single for most of her life. She is accustomed to always having things her own way and not having to take anyone else's needs into account.
My husband does this when I'm on a road trip, because I'm prone to getting lost and he does worry, so I get where your husband is coming from and I can see where your 'friend' may think of it as being controlling. Good for you for being able to see it for what it really is. My husband and I have been married for almost 18 years, so I get his worry and I'm glad for it. It's saved my butt a couple times. lol
I would not tolerate the kind of behavior your husband is exhibiting, but I am not you, and I don't know your husband and what his other (presumably good) qualities are. His refusal to seek treatment would be a deal-breaker for me, but again, I am not you. Nor is your friend. We can have our opinions about someone else's relationship, but unless it involves actual restraint or abuse of some kind, it is none of our business and we should not assume that what we would do is what you should do. You get to decide what makes you happy.
You have come to understand your husband and clearly value your marriage to him. When your friend expresses concern, you just need to tell her this and end that conversation. Beyond assuring her that you feel safe and are safe in your marriage, you do not owe her an explanation, nor do you need her approval.
I think your husband is a lucky man. I hope he understands this.
I dated someone that was insecure, clingy, overbearing and a little paranoid. If I had a smartphone at that time, I'm sure he would have insisted on my setting it up so that he could track me - we had already exchanged passwords for some of our email accounts. He used to follow me around and would often drive by my house or work to make sure I was where I said I'd be. Once he showed up when I was eating lunch with a friend.
Because of my past (very bad) experience, if I was your friend I probably would have reacted the same way if you didn't tell me the entire story. Without knowing your husband has extreme anxiety, it does sound like controlling behavior.
That said I am currently in a good relationship and have insisted that my SO knows how to log into my iCloud so he can find me as I am often out alone and I have jobs all over the place. That way he knows if for some odd reason I don't show up at work when I'm supposed to, he can check and see where I am and send someone after me if need be. I also use an app called Glympse that allows someone to track me if I've sent them a link. Other people I know that hike or bike alone do this, but to someone who doesn't do a semi-dangerous activity, it sounds weird. I went away last year and sent him the link for my drive home. He kept his computer open and checked on me from time to time as I left late. Some may find that creepy, I agree, but I am able to control the tracking.
I never would have done this in my prior relationship. It's really all about trust.
I think it's great that you and your husband have found a way to alleviate his anxiety! I'm sure your friend didn't understand the complexity of his issues and meant no harm.
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