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The thing about OCD is that the fears are totally irrational but they don't feel like that to the person experiencing them. A lot of times the relatives who live in the house will end up getting drawn into the OCD too. I don't mean that they get it too, I mean that they see their loved one in a lot of distress and there are certain things that will make that distress less severe for a little while, and so they end up going along with things that would seem outrageous to most people. In this case, the obsession is that something will happen to the wife, the compulsion is the constant tracking of everywhere she goes, and the way that she's been drawn into the OCD is that she allows the tracking. Tracking her is a ritual for the husband. It's his "medicine" for the unbearable anxiety that he feels. But it's bad medicine, because the more that he tracks her, the worse the obsession gets.
OP already knows this is not normal or she wouldn't have posted about it. I don't think she's being abused and I'm guessing she's surprised and embarrassed that so many posters here think so. But OCD puts a strain on everyone in the house...probably why she mentioned she's taking antidepressants.
I think a lot of men are really hesitant to seek treatment for mental health problems. There used to be a lot of stigma attached to problems like that, and an older man would probably still feel like he was weak or less than a man if he sought help. He's retired, so he can't think that it would affect his ability to keep a job. Sometimes men don't want antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications because of sexual side effects or the fear of sexual side effects. I don't know how relevant that would be to a man in his 70's, but it's worth mentioning.
As far as exercise goes, it doesn't have to be in a gym. Just taking a walk around the neighborhood after dinner would be good for him, or maybe getting bicycles that you can ride together.
The Wi-Fi oven part says more about the problem than you think.
Not really. Fear of objects causing injury is pretty standard for someone with OCD. One of my kids wants to look in all the kitchen cupboards before bed to make sure nothing is near an edge where it could fall out and break during the night.
Your H reminds me of my FIL who is 72 and seems to have terrible anxiety (see thread). I would be concerned just for what will happen if you go first. Nobody else would tolerate that behaviour.
If all he is doing is tracking you then that is not the same as controlling. It sounds like you let him track (obviously you are aware of it and allow it) you but you still go and do all the things you need and want to. If that works for you both then your friend needs to mind her own business.
While your friend doesn't get to decide how you should feel about events in your life, speaking as an anxious husband myself, I do think yours needs to deal better with his anxieties.
True, my friend doesn't get to decide. It's also true that my husband needs to deal better with his anxieties. The reality is that he won't deal with it because he doesn't realize (or perhaps will not admit) that he has a problem.
Quote:
Originally Posted by j_k_k
I hope his motivation isn't jealousy. Worry for you is one thing; that's natural, even if he exaggerates it to an unhealthy level. Worry about your behavior--what you do and who you do it with--is very bad. If you've never given him any sensible reason to feel that worry, then he is not trusting you as he should.
No, it's not jealousy. It's fear. He's afraid that something bad will happen to me if he's not there to protect me.
Quote:
Originally Posted by breeinmo.
I don't think this is an abusive relationship at all, and don't like that some are saying it is. OP, I think except for hubby's illness, its sounds like you have a very loving marriage.
Thanks for being one of the few who gets it, breeinmo. Yes, we do have a loving marriage. There is a lot of laughter and affection. As I said before, he is my Rock of Gibraltar.
Quote:
Originally Posted by breeinmo.
I'm not saying you enjoy his sickness, but you're making it work instead of kicking him to the curb. After you gave us his history, it convinced me what a lovely man you have.
I know most will think I'm crazy for saying that, but I've seen women stay with men that dealt with way worse. I'd take worry over cheating, beating, drinking etc., any day of the week. We all accept things we don't care for in a partner, this is yours. I only think your situation is sad because this wonderful man deserves to be happy, "normal" and unfearful. He has an illness, he isn't abusive. Good luck to you both.
Thank you.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mochamajesty
Say what?? So instead of looking into why your husband won't manage his illness, you blame your friend (in the most condescending post ever, btw) for being single? Girl, please.
No, I'm not "blaming my friend," though I was hurt that she reacted the way she did. I did not mean to be condescending. All I was trying to say is that when you're single you don't have to deal with the daily challenge of accommodating another person's needs. It's no different than saying that people without kids are different from people who have them. Being in a committed relationship, whether it's with your spouse or your children, changes your outlook on life.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Are you unaware that extremely controlling behavior goes hand in hand with physical and mental abuse? I mean you're not in your 20s or 30s, you should know this.
What my husband does is not even in the same league with the type of abusive behavior you are describing, and yes - I do know that controlling behavior can lead to violence.[/quote]
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
Or is she just the most recent one? As others have gone by the wayside, because who wants to go out with someone and they have to constantly check in, or if plans change how to report in. That gets old after awhile.
It's really not like that. He is not obsessively tracking me 24 hours a day, and I don't have to constantly check in.
Quote:
Originally Posted by seain dublin
And you worry a lot about how he would manage? You helped create this by allowing it. Seriously, what is this man going to do if you go first?
I don't understand how I "allowed" my husband to have an anxiety disorder. I do what I can to calm his anxieties by talking rationally to him about how unrealistic his fears are, but I have no control over what goes on in his head.
Quote:
Originally Posted by coschristi
I think you know what your husbands "intentions" are.
I HAVE been stalked/harrassed by an Ex. I also managed to "acquire" a serial rapist who stalked me when I was 19; he was imprisoned for what he did to me & another woman in my area. He also had a history of this behavior where he lived in Puerto Rico prior to joining the Army & being stationed here in my hometown.
There IS a difference between what I described above & a man with anxiety issues who has your best interest at heart. If your husbands behavior were "wrong" & for the "wrong" reasons I believe you are smart enough to know it.
You wouldn't be asking here on C-D IF there was a problem; you would be planning your escape route right now.
For some of us the implied "clingyness" would be a deal-breaker. For you it's just a mildly annoying human flaw in an otherwise good man.
Don't let anyone tell you you can't be trusted to mind your own instincts. Every time I've ignored my own instincts I've regretted it. If there was something ominous about his behavior I think you would be the first to know.
Thank you, coschristi. I'm sorry that you were harrassed by a serial rapist. That must have been awful for you. I agree about trusting instincts. You are absolutely right about clinginess being annoying but not a deal-breaker, and he really is a good man but with an anxiety disorder. My first husband actually was an abuser and an alcoholic. When I realized this, I got the hell out of Dodge.
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Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti
What is your husband doing on the computer all the time- tracking you?
No.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti
If he is afraid of what might happen if you go out alone, how come he can't join you on some of your outings? He doesn't have to go inside the gym, he can read in the car. You could go to the gym and he can join you later for lunch.
I have suggested this, but he isn't interested. He is a homebody who likes to stay in all the time. I guess that's because he feels safer when he's in a familiar environment.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti
Does he have any other interests or hobbies that he can use to fill his time so that he doesn't constantly worry about you (again, I am curious about his internet usage- is he reading stories about how dangerous the world is which fuels his desire to keep you safe)?
Yes, he has other interests. And yes, part of the problem is that he reads crime stories online and thinks the word is a lot more scary place than it really is.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti
You keep making reference to his bad health and the fact that he will probably go before you but that isn't a given- you could get into an accident, have a major stroke or other illness and pass away suddenly. Would your husband be able to cope then?
Not very well, but there isn't anything I can do about that other than stay healthy.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ms. Tarabotti
You seem to have made this work for you for 30 years, so good for you. To some of us outside this relationship, it seems odd so we can understand your friends reaction.
Thanks, Ms. Tarabotti. I can understand how odd my husband's behavior must seem to others. Since my friend is a psychologist who used to work with mentally ill street people, I assumed she'd been exposed to every form of behavior you can think of, and that a nervous husband checking up on me wouldn't shock her that much.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
The thing about OCD is that the fears are totally irrational but they don't feel like that to the person experiencing them. A lot of times the relatives who live in the house will end up getting drawn into the OCD too. I don't mean that they get it too, I mean that they see their loved one in a lot of distress and there are certain things that will make that distress less severe for a little while, and so they end up going along with things that would seem outrageous to most people.
That's a pretty good analysis of what's happening.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
OP already knows this is not normal or she wouldn't have posted about it. I don't think she's being abused and I'm guessing she's surprised and embarrassed that so many posters here think so. But OCD puts a strain on everyone in the house...probably why she mentioned she's taking antidepressants.
Yes, it did come as a surprise to me that so many people think I'm in an abusive relationship! [/quote]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
I think a lot of men are really hesitant to seek treatment for mental health problems. There used to be a lot of stigma attached to problems like that, and an older man would probably still feel like he was weak or less than a man if he sought help.
This is true. Even now there is a stigma. The attitude - especially among men - seems to be that you should put on your big boy pants, handle your own problems and not go running to a therapist.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
Sometimes men don't want antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications because of sexual side effects or the fear of sexual side effects. I don't know how relevant that would be to a man in his 70's, but it's worth mentioning.
He tried an antidepressant once but quit after one day because he didn't like the way it made him feel. But he has another medical problem that essentially ended our sex life when he was in his 50s, so taking an antidepressant now wouldn't make a difference. I really do think that he is depressed and might be helped by medication, if he were willing to give it a try. But, as I said earlier in the thread, he doesn't want to take any more pills.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom
As far as exercise goes, it doesn't have to be in a gym. Just taking a walk around the neighborhood after dinner would be good for him, or maybe getting bicycles that you can ride together.
I have suggested this many, many times, and he always refuses. He is the sedentary type and really dislikes any form of exercise. He uses his bad heart as an excuse. It's a shame, because exercise could help him a lot.
Thanks again to everyone for your input, including those comments I don't happen to agree with! I will cut my friend some slack for having my best interests at heart.
It's really not like that. He is not obsessively tracking me 24 hours a day, and I don't have to constantly check in.
.
Can you go anywhere without him tracking you? And if you decide to go somewhere 'not on schedule', does he call or text? Or has he trained you to tell him every time you stop somewhere? The answer is obviously 'no', considering that he called when you were across the street from where you are 'supposed' to be.
My husband and I sort of 'check in' via text, too. And that is normally because due to conflicting schedules, we are both alone on the road most of the time.
So, I'll text him and say "Made it.". He does the same to me. But that's it. No biggie. And he darn sure doesn't TRACK ME electronically. So that's odd I would say to most people.
Can you go anywhere without him tracking you? And if you decide to go somewhere 'not on schedule', does he call or text? Or has he trained you to tell him every time you stop somewhere? The answer is obviously 'no', considering that he called when you were across the street from where you are 'supposed' to be.
My husband and I sort of 'check in' via text, too. And that is normally because due to conflicting schedules, we are both alone on the road most of the time.
So, I'll text him and say "Made it.". He does the same to me. But that's it. No biggie. And he darn sure doesn't TRACK ME electronically. So that's odd I would say to most people.
Yes, I can go out without being tracked. I think that my husband enjoys using Find My iPhone to watch me, not because he's suspicious of me and doesn't trust me, but because the technology exists, and he thinks it's cool. He has always been fascinated with maps. Also, it makes him feel a little more secure if he knows where I am. The night of that incident, I was visiting a gym in a neighborhood that's a little more sketchy than the one I usually use, so I think he was concerned for my safety.
No, I don't have to tell him every time I stop somewhere. But if I am going to be significantly delayed, I will call him as a courtesy.
The thing about OCD is that the fears are totally irrational but they don't feel like that to the person experiencing them. A lot of times the relatives who live in the house will end up getting drawn into the OCD too. I don't mean that they get it too, I mean that they see their loved one in a lot of distress and there are certain things that will make that distress less severe for a little while, and so they end up going along with things that would seem outrageous to most people. In this case, the obsession is that something will happen to the wife, the compulsion is the constant tracking of everywhere she goes, and the way that she's been drawn into the OCD is that she allows the tracking. Tracking her is a ritual for the husband. It's his "medicine" for the unbearable anxiety that he feels. But it's bad medicine, because the more that he tracks her, the worse the obsession gets.
OP already knows this is not normal or she wouldn't have posted about it. I don't think she's being abused and I'm guessing she's surprised and embarrassed that so many posters here think so. But OCD puts a strain on everyone in the house...probably why she mentioned she's taking antidepressants.
I think a lot of men are really hesitant to seek treatment for mental health problems. There used to be a lot of stigma attached to problems like that, and an older man would probably still feel like he was weak or less than a man if he sought help. He's retired, so he can't think that it would affect his ability to keep a job. Sometimes men don't want antidepressants or anti-anxiety medications because of sexual side effects or the fear of sexual side effects. I don't know how relevant that would be to a man in his 70's, but it's worth mentioning.
As far as exercise goes, it doesn't have to be in a gym. Just taking a walk around the neighborhood after dinner would be good for him, or maybe getting bicycles that you can ride together.
ALL of this. My OCD flares up when I am under stress. It is the WORST. I will have to check the oven, the faucets, the door locks a dozen times before I feel comfortable leaving the house. It is crippling. Thank god I have friends that cut me slack when I get into those ruts, but they don't treat it as "normal" - they rag me about it, which I'm grateful for because it motivates me to find a solution. Zoloft, exercise, meditation, spending time with my dogs, etc. have all helped to settle my brain. The worst is that I am completely irrational in those moments, but there's still a part of me that knows I'm acting bonkers. The paranoia is the most horrifying part. It makes you suicidal because you just want the awful grimness of your thoughts to end.
I should add that I have not been in that kind of debilitated state in over a decade, but I still do slide into anxiety and I have to fight like hell to keep myself from going over that cliff again.
Oddly, I read or hear on the news almost daily about people disappearing. This especially happens with women. I know I am a lot more cautious concerning my wife's safety than I was 50 years ago. We live in a violent, dangerous culture and women in all truth are vulnerable. Seems to me as long as the OP understands, goes with the flow then no harm, no foul. I know husbands who could care less where their wives are or in what situation.
The other piece of this is, I think we are all OCD at some level. I know men who are OCD about their motorcycles, pickups or gun collections. I have seen others who arrange their tackle box as a form of worship. Forget about borrowing a lure from the thing. Have you not seen men practically weep when their team loses? I have. I have a neighbor who is OCD about his yard, his house and his truck. Amazingly so. With that said, I am probably OCD about security, personal security. If you spend a long time somewhere where the locals want to kill you (Vietnam for me) you do not easily get past that. I am likely overly observant about my surroundings and I always sit near an exit or at least know where they are. I also do that with toilets. Never know.
Mental illness covers a lot of ground. If we all examined ourselves, we might not like what we see. It is just others do not point it out to us.
Now I have to go check on my food storage and do an ammo inventory. Scuse me.
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