Friend Is Angry About My Overly Anxious Husband (friendship, toxic, jealous)
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True, it's better to be happily single than be with dysfunctional partners. I don't disparage you, my friend or anyone else for making that choice, I'm just saying that it's different when you're single, the same way it's different when you become a parent. Your priorities can't help but be different. Not better, not worse - just different. No disparagement intended.
As for me, I have chosen to stay with my husband despite his anxiety disorder, and no one has the right to judge me for that, either. We have been together for over 32 years, we love each other, and I'm in it for the long haul. He is having some memory problems lately. He sometimes asks me the same question several times. I suspect he may be facing dementia sometime in the future. His increased anxiety might be one of the symptoms. If so, the situation could become even more "nuts." When and if it happens I'll deal with that, too, because I love him. If that is "justifying my situation," then I plead guilty.
Time for y'all to go to the doctor together and talk about memory concerns. There are medications that can slow the progression of dementia. There are also tests that should be done when the first symptoms are noticed, so that the progression can be monitored. My mom wanted to pretend my dad was fine so they didn't do any of that stuff and they didn't start on the meds for it until he was already really far gone.
But...sometimes a person with OCD is so busy with the OCD thoughts repeating over and over in their head that they can't pay attention to other things or remember what you've said to them. It almost seems like a memory problem because they'll ask the same thing several times in a row or forget about a conversation you had the day before. It's really, really frustrating when it happens, but if they can get past the OCD flare or start taking meds or supplements to help with the anxiety, they can get over it (at least until the next really bad flare, but sometimes that can be years in between).
And also, sometimes people with OCD will ask a question over and over as part of the disorder. Not because they don't remember the answer. Just because something is making them ask it over and over.
True, it's better to be happily single than be with dysfunctional partners. I don't disparage you, my friend or anyone else for making that choice, I'm just saying that it's different when you're single, the same way it's different when you become a parent. Your priorities can't help but be different. Not better, not worse - just different. No disparagement intended.
As for me, I have chosen to stay with my husband despite his anxiety disorder, and no one has the right to judge me for that, either. We have been together for over 32 years, we love each other, and I'm in it for the long haul. He is having some memory problems lately. He sometimes asks me the same question several times. I suspect he may be facing dementia sometime in the future. His increased anxiety might be one of the symptoms. If so, the situation could become even more "nuts." When and if it happens I'll deal with that, too, because I love him. If that is "justifying my situation," then I plead guilty.
But, you did disparage your friend for being single, and used that as an excuse for her not "understanding" why your husband's behavior isn't funny.
You're tapdancing now, in my opinion. You did judge your friend harshly, saying she didn't understand why you'd put up with your husband's behavior, saying it's because she's single, and that married people put up with stuff, because they're married.
But, that's not rational. You are putting up with stuff most rational women would not put up with today.
That's your choice.
But, what you are putting up with is not normal or considered acceptable by today's standards. Whether you are married or not.
But, yes, you definitely did disparage your friend's opinion based on her being single. And you are using this as rationalization for what you put up with.
Again, if you choose to put up with it, and you're happy with that decision, then good for you.
But, what you are putting up with is not normal behavior, for married people or single people. And saying that if your friend was married to someone like your husband, that she'd put up with it, is not rational. She probably would not, and most women in today's world would not.
Your situation is dysfunctional. Make no mistake about it. And it is more normal for someone to react in a way as to say it's unacceptable, than not to.
Your husband needs help. Find a good therapist and go with him initially. It's very sad that he's spent so much of his life living like this. Please, get him the help he needs so he can't stop constantly worrying. That's a terrible way to live and it can be treated.
But, you did disparage your friend for being single, and used that as an excuse for her not "understanding" why your husband's behavior isn't funny.
How did I disparage my friend for being single? I truly don't understand where this is coming from. My friend's reaction surprised me. I was trying to figure out why she saw the situation differently than I did. I speculated that this might be because she's single. How is this disparaging?
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
But, what you are putting up with is not normal behavior, for married people or single people. And saying that if your friend was married to someone like your husband, that she'd put up with it, is not rational. She probably would not, and most women in today's world would not.
No, I never said or even implied she would put up with it if she were married.
Quote:
Originally Posted by NoMoreSnowForMe
Your situation is dysfunctional. Make no mistake about it. And it is more normal for someone to react in a way as to say it's unacceptable, than not to.
Yes, I understand that my husband's anxiety has created dysfunction in my marriage. I never said that I thought it was normal. I realize that most people don't act like my husband.
After reading everyone's responses, I also suspect that most people would react the way my friend did, which was my question in the first place. I didn't come here to ask for advice about anxiety disorders or debate whether it's better to be married or single but to find out what other people thought of my friend's reaction. That question has now been answered. Thank you all very much for your input.
Time for y'all to go to the doctor together and talk about memory concerns. There are medications that can slow the progression of dementia. There are also tests that should be done when the first symptoms are noticed, so that the progression can be monitored. My mom wanted to pretend my dad was fine so they didn't do any of that stuff and they didn't start on the meds for it until he was already really far gone.
But...sometimes a person with OCD is so busy with the OCD thoughts repeating over and over in their head that they can't pay attention to other things or remember what you've said to them. It almost seems like a memory problem because they'll ask the same thing several times in a row or forget about a conversation you had the day before. It's really, really frustrating when it happens, but if they can get past the OCD flare or start taking meds or supplements to help with the anxiety, they can get over it (at least until the next really bad flare, but sometimes that can be years in between).
And also, sometimes people with OCD will ask a question over and over as part of the disorder. Not because they don't remember the answer. Just because something is making them ask it over and over.
Yes, I do wonder if asking questions over and over is OCD or anxiety-related rather than dementia. The two conditions cause similar symptoms. I would like to see him get evaluated and will mention it at my next doctor visit. I'm sorry about your dad.
I can understand why my friend would react the way she did because she has been single for most of her life. She is accustomed to always having things her own way and not having to take anyone else's needs into account.
Here's one example. You are saying that she is accustomed to alway having things her own way, and not having take anyone else's needs into account, because she's been single.
That is disparaging. And it implies that if she was married, she'd not be so self-centered.
I'm quite sure you will justify this remark. But, if you take into consideration that this woman most likely takes other people's needs into account when it comes to her friends and family and co-workers, your remark is irrational. As if only people who are married are capable of taking other people's needs into account. And that she is incapable of taking other people's needs into account, based only on the fact that she has been single most of her life.
Here's one example. You are saying that she is accustomed to alway having things her own way, and not having take anyone else's needs into account, because she's been single.
That is disparaging. And it implies that if she was married, she'd not be so self-centered.
Oh, OK. I see what you mean. That remark could be construed as a put-down. You know what, though - I think I'm actually jealous of her for always being able to have things the way she likes them. I get my way less than half the time, or at least it feels that way.
I would like to make it clear, though, that notneeding to always take another's needs into account and being incapableofit are two very different things, and I would never say the latter about my friend. She is a kind and considerate person. Even though she has long been divorced, she and her ex are still good friends.
I agree with post #2 except that I disagree about the friend being out of line. I am glad that you can laugh it off and accept his odd behavior as an anxiety issue since that is how you can tolerate it. Me, I couldn't hack it as I hate feeling controlled by people, nor could I pretend that I think it's okay. Therefore, I understand your friend.
However, while he may protest and fret himself to death, you don't seem to let him stop you from enjoying life, nor does he display violent tendencies. First time he does, though, is when it's NO time to laugh it off.
How did I disparage my friend for being single? I truly don't understand where this is coming from. My friend's reaction surprised me. I was trying to figure out why she saw the situation differently than I did. I speculated that this might be because she's single. How is this disparaging?
No, I never said or even implied she would put up with it if she were married.
Yes, I understand that my husband's anxiety has created dysfunction in my marriage. I never said that I thought it was normal. I realize that most people don't act like my husband.
After reading everyone's responses, I also suspect that most people would react the way my friend did, which was my question in the first place. I didn't come here to ask for advice about anxiety disorders or debate whether it's better to be married or single but to find out what other people thought of my friend's reaction. That question has now been answered. Thank you all very much for your input.
What happened here is - you revealed in a series of slow drips alot more than your original posts about your friend being out of line because she's a selfish single person and your husband's behavior was funny.
Don't let your instinct to slam the door and keep up this "you and me against the world" attitude - preventing you from getting help with your future(s).
We went from "Yuk yuk my husband is so funny" to "yes I realize my situation is dysfunctional and other people won't tolerate it" and "OH BTW yes I tolerate it because of a neglected childhood" and then "He's getting more obsessive/forgetful - showing signs of dementia and I'm a POT USER for MY ANXIETY".
NOTE I keep saying behavior not "condition". Because it's his behavior that's out of line.
NOTE I cautioned/predicted this even before I knew he was 75 years old. NOW you reveal he has symptoms of dementia. People who have life long cognitive/behavior problems are much more difficult to manage if they get dementia. If he's NOT on any meds now, that can be a good thing since at least the doctors will have a baseline.
I don't think you realize you've actually BEEN "caregiving" for quite some time now. You seem to think you have some type of medical knowledge which is why I referred you to the Caregiving Forum. I notice your comments on various effects of anxiety type medications so apparently you've taken them.
The number one problems with dementia IS OCD and anxiety ridden paranoid behaviors. They go hand in hand. At a certain point they escalate to combative behaviors. Like you wouldn't believe. But you're living in a reality where you think it's manageable. Let's hope for your sake it doesn't advance (unlikely) because it's a hell you can't even imagine. Not AT ALL like the OCD he has now.
I'm not talking about the cute "hardening of the arteries" version like in movies where the person is just a happy go lucky forgetful grandpa. I'm talking about a combative out of control 24/7 365 project. Activities of daily living like a shower, hygiene, eating, taking meds, become battlegrounds. You also get accused of trying to poison them, stealing all their money and being in collusion with others. They also forget to drink water, get dehydrated, get UTIs which make them like on LSD and then fall. LOTS of ER admissions. Women are worse, though in that area.
The number one challenge is to keep the person CALM and REDIRECT their thinking. Not too much talking - it causes anxiety. Not asking a bunch of questions - also causes anxiety. Close ended questions with specific choices. You often have to lie to join THEIR reality. It's a very specific skill that takes time to learn and master AND it's trial and error. The dementia mind is the best Academy Award winning one you'll find. Like an insidious demon always one step ahead of everyone else. You can't be rational or "explain" anything to it. You can NEVER win an argument with it. You must be cunning and creative dealing with it. AND recognize when you see a sign that things will escalate QUICKLY if you don't take action like having a nurse administer a prescribed drug "as needed" BEFORE the escalation happens or you can have several DAYS of drama non-stop. Episodes come and go - sometimes for a reason and sometimes not. The person progresses from "early" to "mid" to late stage....and it could take years or happen quickly. Usually because of an "event" like a life change, a fall or a medical emergency.
Quote:
Originally Posted by runswithscissors
snip
I hope you're making legal and financial plans for your senior years when this behavior is 99% likely to turn into something ugly and completely unmanageable (see Caregiving Forum).
I would START with obtaining legal advise and taking it. Getting the proper powers of attorney in place so that you're not running around unable to "help" him when that time arrives.
I would approach it as "Since you're unable to function without me - and knowing my every move 24 hours per day, you need to sign these papers which allow me to legally make decisions for your welfare should you ever be unable to do so yourself.".
Of course, he won't.
snip.
It's starting. IME and IMO.
Your husband SHOULD be able to identify that phone tracker can be across the street from where you were "supposed to be" without even causing any issues. Since it's something he does ALL the time. Red Flag that he's NOT managing the very "controls" he put in place very well.
Your husband needs a full medical workup including from a neurologist and psychiatrist. He needs a diagnosis. He needs to be under professional care. A general practice or "geriatric" doctor should NOT be prescribing any of the drugs that a cognitive diminishing/impaired person might need. ESPECIALLY one with possible dementia. ONLY those specialty doctors with experience know what medication may or may not work and why. Sometimes a simple short half life anxiety med works for awhile or not. Some people have great response with a heavy psych drug or NOT. It's trial and error. Some of these drugs require you keep up with your appointments or the prescription CANNOT be renewed. This can be IMPOSSIBLE if your loved one refuses to go back for an appointment and requires a whole other level of cleverness to accomplish.
And BEFORE ALL THAT - BEFORE he gets wind of your concerns.....you need to take care of those POAs which allow you to act in his best interests. For example, when he decides to go knocking on all the neighbors' doors in hysterics because you're "missing" or keeps calling 911 and they threaten YOU with legal action unless you get him to stop.
Or when he's simply sitting by the window repeating "someone's here" 24 hours a day 7 days per week because there's a car parked in the street.
The list of examples from the Caregiving can (and do) fill up a forum.
Life living with a dementia spouse can be a nightmare - especially for someone who's used to being the virtuous one and lives in a small world behind closed doors. It can result in having to go to court for guardianship if your ducks aren't lined up in advance.
Waiting is the number one error of family members in this situation. Do yourself and him a favor and:
1. Get an Elder law attorney consultation and legal advise on your next steps - medically AND financially
2 Take the advise and get him to cooperate if you can. THIS will be the TRUE test. Control or Submission? Which is he?
3. Get the medical work done
4. PLAN for your future(s) in case he needs to go live in Memory Care - ie: do you have the resources to pay for it - approx 5K per month. If you don't have LTC insurance coverage NO INSURANCE pays for that. You're looking at some type of asset liquidation and taxpayer funded Medicaid.
You have NOTHING to lose if you do all these things and never need to utilize them. You have a whole lot to lose if you don't.
Last edited by runswithscissors; 10-26-2016 at 04:03 AM..
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