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But with a personality disorder, the signs and symptoms come on so gradually, early in life, and continue to evolve, to the point where people just know that the person has "always been like that." ......... But the biggest difference is that the unpleasant things happening are not viewed as external things, but part of who the person is (fancy word: ego-syntonic). ....... the problems that are there are really a part of how the person is wired.
Depression is a bundle of symptoms (hopelessness, poor sleep, no energy, etc). Anxiety Disorders are a bundle of symptoms (excessive worry, fear, panic, poor sleep, tension, breathing changes, etc). Schizophrenia is a bundle of symptoms (hallucinations, disorganized thoughts, paranoid ideation, etc).
But we do tend to blame the person with a personality disorder for their "manipulative" behavior. I admit it, I've done that myself, and more professionals have. It's hard to keep remembering that this person experienced damage at an early age, and that in many ways, this seemingly intelligent, articulate person in front of me, who should know better, is emotionally like a very normal 2-year old (hot/cold, yes/no, love/hate, come here/go away, happy/tantrum).
Wow.....my MIL is ALL this. She's 82 years old and is still "waitin' on the world to change". She is impossible to deal with and refuses help (except to take plenty of Xanax and try one anti-depressant after another, only to toss them all aside when they "give her a headache" or "make her feel funny" or are "not doing any good"....we try to tell her that the side effects will fade and that it sometimes takes a month or so to work, but it falls on deaf ears). She is ten times worse since her husband and other son died, and it may be coming to the point of P.E.C. soon. Hard decision.....
Sorry to derail, it was just so surreal, reading all this and see her in it. Back to the OP's problem.....
I feel like you really need to get help with how to deal with your mother, if you want to keep her in your life. It sounds like you both have issues, and while she is less likely to change how she behaves, you still have time to change how you handle her behavior.
I'm not really understanding why you threatened to play her voicemails to her friends and family to expose her. You're reacting to her behavior with the same kind of extreme threats that annoy you when she does it to you. And then the panic when she says she's going to sue you for it, it doesn't take a law degree to know that she is being ridiculous.
I hope that you will consider seeing a therapist so that you can break this pattern that is already forming.
Is this brand new behaviour or has she done these things all your life? You talk about specific incidents but is this constant? Or does she have periods of lucidity and more gentle/normal behaviour? And for how long?
If it is not constant, think about all the times that seem to have triggered this behaviour - can you identify a pattern? You say that she is narcissistic at times - not all the time?
If it is constant and has been this way for a long time, why have you not broken off contact before now?
Do you know if your mother takes any pills or has a drinking problem?
If this is not new behaviour, break off all contact. You probably will never win this one. I know that is hard to do and harder to accept that you may have to do it - but you cannot fix it. Only a doctor of some kind - either a regular practitioner or a psychotherapist (with your mother's consent) might even be able to get her started down the road to normalcy. You can't fix it. She has to want to be fixed - and to recognize there even is a problem first.
If it is new behaviour, it sounds as though the cause could be more physical - early onset dementia maybe? or some kind of medication that has side effects or something that is addictive? or drinking. Is there any way to talk to her doctor and let him know what has been happening. He/she should listen - they may not want to or be able to tell you anything but at least they will have information they can use the next time your mother comes to see them.
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She has to want to be fixed - and to recognize there even is a problem first. 
