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We spent several days recently with some visiting friends who made a number of "snarky" remarks to me. Do your friends do that? We were in the car driving with them to see a historic landmark. It was a couple of hours away and since all of us were from out of town, I had researched a couple of restaurants where we could eat afterward. I was discussing the locations of the restaurants with DH, who was driving, when the woman of the couple blurted out to me from the back seat, "You think too much."
Then another day during the visit, we were in a nice restaurant and out of the blue, in a loud voice, the husband says to me, "You don't like music." Huh? We hadn't been talking abiut music, and I've never said that. I don't care for jazz or blues (apparently his favorites), but I like other kinds of music.
There were about five other instances during their visit when they made snarky remarks to me. It was so odd. They have never acted like this before.
To me neither remark was snarky. Critical and judgmental (especially the first), but that's one step above snarky in my book. Snarky is deliberately saying rude/mean stuff just to get a laugh or be hurtful. After a few instances of snark, I would cut off the friendship because it comes from a place where the snarker wants to be mean. Criticism can come from a different place. I don't like to be told that I'm overthinking; ironically, it happened to me two days ago at lunch with a friend. She and I are similar politically, but when we were talking about why people supported Trump and seem so angry about things, she said I was overthinking. I hate that. I'm proud to have an active brain that likes to analyze things. But I don't think it was snarky, just her being critical of one aspect of me or at least what I was saying at the moment and I still want to maintain the friendship. And my "overthinking" isn't a dealbreaker for her.
It can be helpful to think about where people are coming from. With the overthinking, perhaps people are just trying to be protective that their brains aren't overtaxed since they prefer not thinking. Possibly your friend was just tired from the trip. Traveling can seem like a good idea, but it can be tiring to sightsee and be in a car. Sometimes the trip doesn't live up to expectations. So perhaps that's all it was.
With the music, I'm not sure it was a criticism per se. So many of us enjoy music so much that it can seem strange for someone not to like it, just like most of us are chocolate lovers who don't understand that some people don't like it. It probably depends on his tone of voice and what was said after that, after you replied. Of course it is perfectly valid for someone not to like music or not to like jazz/blues. Perhaps he wouldn't have said it if you had said, "I don't like jazz or blues. Classical music is my thing!" I try to do that---not focus on the negative, but to just show what appeals to me...like in my case, I often say, "I know that so many people like hip hop...I just can't get into it. But I do love jazz, classical, and rock music."
Definitely not great to be criticized since it feels like you aren't being accepted for who you are. But snarky is even worse. An example of snark from a former friend (10 years younger than me) who had an issue with my not coloring my hair and my being comfortable with aging. One time she said out of the blue that only old ladies wear animal prints (which I don't think is even true! And I don't wear them.) She quickly added, "But you don't care about looking old." That went beyond a criticism---that was deliberate snark, trying to get a zinger in (why, I don't know---we had been getting along up to that point, but she seemed really offended that I wasn't conforming to the hair coloring and worrying about aging). later that night I explained that my husband and I didn't have colds even though we were coughing (didn't want her to worry that she would catch something) but our allergies were acting up. She replied "That's just old age cough." I ended the friendship after that night.
When the man blasted loudly at me in the restaurant in a nasty tone with, "You don't like music," I replied, "I do too like music. I like classical and oldies rock 'n' roll music, which is true. (And actually our daughter plays in a symphony orchestra.)
Any one of their snarky remarks I could have tolerated, but 7-8 of these type comments from both of them over 4 days really got to me.
Jazzcat, as far as someone criticizing you for letting your hair go grey, that was none of that woman's business. Many women look beautiful with grey hair. It's very much in style now and a number of models are sporting it.
My elder aunt often makes remarks that deserve the snark award. Particularly out in public.
I internally cringe and often point out to her the positive of the scenario.
Now given that, a co worker and I are notorious for our sarcasm. Yet we know precisely where to draw the lines...our jabs are often quips or truth with a spin. To an onlooker they'd think we dislike one another but it's our way of playing off a topic and seeing who is more witty.
We do not humiliate . Although humble pie has been served up on many an occasion!
When an off the cuff remark hits the ears...I either ignore it or find a way to make a witty comment.
If you really like these people and want to keep them as friends there is one more option you can use besides passively enduring this or aggressively dumping them.
You can try to teach them how you prefer to be spoken to. They don't need to even know you are doing this. Just ask them to clarify their comment when you start to feel that jabbing feeling. You can use a gentle tone of voice; no need to bark.
Just ask for an explanation, keep it simple and let them do the talking. If they can manage this thank them for making their need more clear to you. Rinse and repeat.
It won't take a long time of expecting them to speak straightforwardly before they will get that you don't speak that language. They call that being assertive.
When an off the cuff remark hits the ears...I either ignore it or find a way to make a witty comment.
I wish I was fast enough with a humorous quip to diffuse the situation. Unfortunately, that's not my long suit.
Because people don't usually speak to me this way, I am shocked when they do, and I end up saying
nothing and thinking of a good reply the next day.
I did send them an e-mail asking what had changed but got no reply. I think there is a lot more going on in his psyche than just being snarky to me. The wife may now be just what she always was, only more so. That often happens as people age.
This couple lives in another city, so it will probably be a long time before I see them again. Sad that the relationship has downgraded to this, but they have changed so much... I don't see a lot of value to their "friendship" anymore except for remembering past good times.
Last edited by staywarm2; 11-13-2016 at 06:12 PM..
My elder aunt often makes remarks that deserve the snark award. Particularly out in public.
I internally cringe and often point out to her the positive of the scenario.
Now given that, a co worker and I are notorious for our sarcasm. Yet we know precisely where to draw the lines...our jabs are often quips or truth with a spin. To an onlooker they'd think we dislike one another but it's our way of playing off a topic and seeing who is more witty.
We do not humiliate . Although humble pie has been served up on many an occasion!
When an off the cuff remark hits the ears...I either ignore it or find a way to make a witty comment.
I don't take it personally if I know it's part of someone's personality and they do it to everyone.
Snarkiness to me is just another word for sarcasm. Sarcasm is hurtful and nasty and I refuse to keep anyone a friend who is like that.
If you feel the need to be snarky, then you have insecurity issues IMO. If you are a snarky person, think about someone's feelings before you say it. Snarky comments hurt and they aren't funny.
Because people don't usually speak to me this way, I am shocked when they do, and I end up saying
nothing and thinking of a good reply the next day.
That just means you're a better person.
I have had people say utterly vile things to my face, straight out of left field. Like at my father's funeral, when I was introducing a friend who had driven 70 miles to support me. My sister, ever the clever one in her mind, snarked "WE (meaning the family) thought you didn't have any friends."
Because I wasn't prepared for it, I said nothing.
The alternative to saying nothing is to spend time thinking of cruel, cutting things to say to other people. I don't think it's worth your energy or mine.
When a friend or acquaintance starts to get snarky and makes me defensive, I start to look for new people in my life. Being lonely is better than putting up with that!
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