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your mother had just lost her husband unexpectedly and was grieving. You forced her into a confrontation you knew she would hate over something she deemed insignificant compared to her loss. You cared more about your feelings of outrage over flowers and ego than you did about her feelings at a most vulnerable and difficult time, and it wasn't even your money. No wonder she was upset!
It was two years ago. Quit grinding on it even if your mother still does. You'll be healthier to move on from it unless you are just looking for things to complain regarding your mother.
I can not believe I read that entire thing and overlooked the fact that this happened two years ago. My thoughts are get over it.
Some people get really focused on small details so they don't have to focus on the bigger grief they're going through. I think that's what you were doing.
Some people lash out at others so they don't have to focus on their grief. That's what your mom was doing. Throwing a tantrum and hurling abuse at you was safe and familiar to her.
I think the reason this is on your mind right now is the upcoming holiday. It's a time when the focus is on family and those of us with dysfunctional families reflect more on what we don't have and everyone else takes for granted.
At least your dad went first, and quickly. My dad always went on about how my mom was very childlike and needed to be protected from anything harsh or scary. (But he never thought about protecting us, the actual children, from her abuse) Now he has dementia, she has control of his medical decisions, and he's dying with less dignity than a dog while I can't do anything to intervene.
This actually happened two years ago, but my mind has revisited this many times because it just seems so bizarre to me in two ways:
1-that somebody would have the nerve to change a person's order at their own whim, and
2-that my mother would get so angry at me for insisting that her money get refunded
A little background on my Mother: she held one brief job when she was a about 20 years old, which was how she met my Dad, and she married him two years later. She was a stay-at-home Mom with the mentality of a child. She would throw tantrums and fight with me as if I were her sister rather than her daughter. She was raised by an alcoholic father and a mother who worked all the time and was rarely home, so I know this is partly what messed her up. When I was growing up, she'd stress over the littlest things, such as the doorbell ringing. She'd start shrieking, "No! No! No!" and go run and hide in hopes the person at the door would go away. She has also always despised any kind of confrontation (with people other than my Dad and me), and she has always allowed people to walk all over her, take advantage of her, etc. I moved out when I was 18 to preserve my sanity. I truly feel that if my Dad hadn't stuck with her and I had been raised by her as a single mother, I would have been ruined, but thankfully I got mostly my Dad's personality and strengths.
So here is what happened. My Dad died suddenly and unexpectedly, and my Mother was left to plan a funeral. I am an only child, so there are no siblings that could have helped besides me. I flew from Florida to California to assist her for two weeks. As it turned out, I had to do it all, because if left to her, my Dad would still be waiting to be buried to this day. I brought her with me to select the flowers to be displayed at the funeral. She wanted to use the flower department at her local market. We looked through quite a few books of arrangements, and my Mother wasn't deciding on anything, so I finally took it upon myself to select two nice arrangements to be displayed on either side of the stage. I told the lady what we wanted, we paid, and we left.
The day of the funeral arrives, and the arrangements are delivered to the services. Only these arrangements look nothing like what I had picked. Not even close! Different flowers, a different variety of colors, you get the picture. It was very upsetting, because you want everything to be just right at a loved one's funeral since you don't get a do-over! I called the flower department, and they said it was too late for them to fix the issue and we'd just have to deal with it.
The day following the funeral, I brought my Mother back to the flower department so I could see about getting some kind of compensation for the error. The woman who had taken our original order was there. To my complete shock, the woman said to me, "I got the feeling that your mother didn't like the arrangements that you picked, so I picked her some instead." I was just astounded that somebody would feel that they had the right to select something that somebody else was paying for. Even if my Mother didn't like my selections, which there was no proof that she didn't, how did this woman know that my Mother would like what SHE selected for her sight unseen?? The manager was standing there, and I think she was shocked by the admission as well. My Mother started telling the lady, "Well, you were only trying to help. It's okay, I don't need a refund." I pretty much said, "What?? Yes, you DO need a refund, because you paid for something you didn't order!" The manager agreed, but she said since we did get some flowers for the funeral, even if they weren't the right ones, she could only offer half the money back. I understood and said that was fine. My Mother stormed out to the car. When I came out with her refund, she proceeded to scream at me and berate me for quite some time about how horrible I was for doing that. She was angry at me for a few days thereafter.
I'm just curious what others think of this behavior, both by the store clerk and by my Mother. I'm not really looking for criticism of my behavior, as I was just trying to do the best I could and don't feel that I did anything wrong. You would have to know my Mother to realize that NOTHING would have gotten done if it had been left up to her
You did the right thing in getting a partial refund. How bizarre that person changed the order!
However, I'm not sure it was the right thing to do to take your mother. Remember that she was going through a very emotional time, during which she was incapable of handling any other unpleasantness. Of course, if you had to take her, if the flowers were in her name and she paid for them, you had to take her. I might have chosen to do otherwise, given her emotional upset at the time, though.
I've known people like your mother. I intervened once on behalf of my mother, at her request. It did not end well for me, and I refused to ever help her again. You can't win with people like that. They are oh-so-nice to people they don't know, but treat YOU any way they please at any given moment.
I think you did the right thing
these kind of parents, who are naive, weird, alone, stuck in the past and didn't really grew up, are those who put you in trouble and sooner or later they will know on your door beggin for help, to be hosted because someone defrauded her of all her money.
They're dangerous.
In reading through these posts and seeing things through others' eyes, I see that I should have gone to the florist alone. I think in my mind, I was trying to teach her to stand up for herself, but right after a funeral was not the time for that lesson. Maybe I wasn't thinking straight because of losing the parent I loved most. I have to realize also that she will never change.
Just for the record, this is not something I had been thinking of daily and obsessing about, but rather something that came to mind occasionally. Each time it did, I would spend some time thinking about how bizarre it all was. I go on these forums frequently, so I figured I'd share and get other opinions. Thanks for not being too harsh. I've seen some people come on these threads seeking opinions that get torn to shreds, and not with cause imo, so I'm glad that I've gotten off easier so to speak.
FWIW I think you did the right thing on trying to get your money back (and getting back some of the money is fair, I think, because you did have flowers just not the ones you had ordered). I think you should have done it alone (without your mother).
I think that your mother is probably never going to change. You say she has always been this way. If this was my parent, I would contact her local social services and have a social worker help her
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