Are you estranged from a parent or two? (females, males, personality)
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Estranged, yes. Their choice, not mine. I finally got tired of trying to be included in the family and I walked away. I don't think anyone noticed.
Was I a difficult child? Honor roll student, no alcohol, tobacco, drugs of any kind, kept my room clean, did most of the cooking and housework, and I had nice friends.
I feel similar as you. Actually I had a pretty good childhood despite my father not wanting anything to do with me. I was a good student, never rebellious, never drank, smoke, partied, etc. even now I don't do any of those things. I barely drink pop or coffee. I'm a semi succesful business owner and married a great woman.
I'm not technically estranged, but my father never initiates contact with me. We may talk a little during holidays and he stops at my business for about 5 minutes a month. I don't know why but he has never seemed to like me, or like how I turned out. I see how great he is with my brothers kids and it baffles my mind. He was also good with my oldest brother as well. My other brother was basically treated the same as me. My other brother was more outspoken then me about being treated so differently, but it never translated to anything.
My dads parents were very distant from him as well, so I imagine that is where he gets it from.
I feel bad saying it, but I will limit my parents contact with my children, I want the bad parts of my family culture to disappear. I don't want my kids to feel abandoned like I did when I was younger.
I didn't know my parents as well as I would have liked , They were very busy people in the social scenes and partied literally worldwide . My nanny and my horse trainer raised us. Folks paid the bills.
They didn't even like each other :/ .
They divorced in 1976 after 20 years of wild marriage . Mom said loudly she wanted no kids , dad insisted so finally they had my sister( 1965) and I(1962) and promptly left the scene . My mom was just not the type for kids but she did pass her love, skill and business with horses onto me thank goodness and dad's ( The ORIGINAL Don Draper ) parents were ranchers so double the horses which I have made my living from amongst other unusual jobs I have mentioned.
They are both gone now but I did not have any contact with mom 10 years before they delivered her ashes to my door usps 2500 miles from where she lived and I only saw my dad periodically. I THINK he liked me but he and I could never see eye to eye. I was/am a wispy, free spirited, gypsy surfer girl and he was as right wing as you can get without any religion involved lol . I never lived anywhere near him either . Sister lives in SF but is very sick . She was estranged from both of them for years until their death and called them by their first names .
It was like having Frank Sinatra and Ava Gardner as your parents is as close to describing it as I can.
Quote:
Originally Posted by cayennev8
the therapist finally asked "so why is there a person who treats you so horribly, still in your life?" I was like, "what, I have a choice? You mean I am allowed to let go of people who are mean to me over and over again?". Needless the say, I dropped that ball and chains right then and there and it was like the weight of the world being lifted off my shoulders. It's sad in theory, but it allowed me to finally be full of happy instead of dragging around all this ugliness.
My therapist said the same thing and I did what you did and felt so much better just like you did . Mom never even knew , so I guess thats a good thing , I just vaporized . I think that it was probably a relief for her too .
Last edited by DutchessCottonPuff; 11-30-2016 at 01:29 PM..
I was estranged from my mother, and she's the one who severed ties. She said something to me once that was totally unacceptable and I called her on it, and she got so upset over what I said that she never had anything to do with me again. A couple of years later she was diagnosed with Alzheimers, and she didn't know me most of the time. But we had one conversation where she spoke to me as a third party about her early years with my dad, stuff she never spoke about before, and it was one of the best conversations we ever had despite her not knowing who I was. Weird but interesting.
How I envy people who have 'normal parents,' with any sort of good relationship. You have no idea how hellacious it is to have a monster like this person for a parent. The only types of parents that are worse are the ones who kill their own children.
I finally came to realize as I grew older that I would have been better off if that parent had passed away when I was young . . . .
You who have normal parents who love you and care for you throughout your lives, count your blessings.
IC
I have found it virtually impossible to describe the dysfunction to those who had good parents. They simply can't conceive of or relate to it.
Actually, I have been criticized for not keeping that toxic person in my life, for "abandoning" him.
So this dysfunction is something I don't discuss except with my siblings, and that rarely.
Last edited by Tim Randal Walker; 11-30-2016 at 06:13 PM..
NYC refugee,
Good point. There are long stretches of time when I'm not hurt. But my mother is in contact with my 3 siblings, all of whom I'm very close to. So when she visits or calls them (and I'm around to know it), I get triggered. Not always, but sometimes. Overall, I'm emotionally healthier and freer than I used to be for sure. Realizing it wasn't my fault and that there isn't anything inherently wrong with me was huge.
That thing about the siblings is the most recent to bother me. I heard some things that were said and it just makes my heart sink to be in the middle of this never-ending game, even when I'm not in the middle. I'll just keep reminding myself she's never going to change and it's not all me and I suppose eventually it'll just bother me less and less. At least that's my hope.
I'm a 38 year old man i pretty much cut ties with my "father" haven't spoken to him in almost 2 years now. He lives about 10 minutes away from me. About a month ago I saw him walking into Walmart I drove right by him and I didn't stop or nothing.
I'm a 38 year old man i pretty much cut ties with my "father" haven't spoken to him in almost 2 years now. He lives about 10 minutes away from me. About a month ago I saw him walking into Walmart I drove right by him and I didn't stop or nothing.
Sounds like exactly what my SO will do if he saw his father out in public & he only lives about 10 min from him too. He's so insignificant to my SO that he won't even acknowledge his existence.
At one time I was estranged from my father for about 2 years because of his treatment of my grandmother (his mother).
My mother didn't raise us but came back into our lives when I was 18. We have had two periods of estrangement, one her choice, one my choice after that. We made up and things have been okay since 1991 but there isn't much love there for her. She's more like an older friend.
I always thought I was the only one with a horrible childhood. While I'm sorry to see it is pretty common, at least I know I wasn't alone. :-(
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