If you had it to do over again, would you have children? (house, father)

[JerZ]

Originally Posted by Steve McDonald

Well, we don't get to have a second run at life, do we? I have no children to speak of and if I was assigned to go through my younger years again, I absolutely would not have any (assuming that I would retain what I know now). The world could get by nicely without my contribution to its 7.3 billion population.

What do you mean by "I have no children to speak of"?

[Girl Friday]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl Friday
I am one of the few then. If I could change the past, I would chose not to have my children. That's 100% honest. And I only will admit that anonymously.


Edited to add: My children are grown adults now.

Originally Posted by bell235

any specific reason?

Let me preface my response by saying that my sons are now fully-functioning, contributing members of society who despite my flaws, grew to be intelligent, articulate, well-educated and generous humans.



As for why I would chose not to have them if I could go back, there are several contributing factors, I'd say.

• I was too young - 19 and 20 years when I had my sons, respectively.
• I had them with a man who turned out to be a terrible father and if I had been older, I would have known this beforehand.
• My motivation for bringing them into this world was pure selfishness on my part. I wanted something to "love" me.
• I don't like children. Period. I loved/love my own, of course.
• I am still dealing with the financial and emotional crisis that having babies triggered in my life. (On this point, I will not go into detail.)
• My current philosophy, and why I chose not to have any more, is that I do not want to bring another human life into this devolving world.

[Serious Conversation]

I'm 30, but I highly doubt I will.

I've never had any desire to be a father at all. It is not something that has ever come up on my radar. I enjoy doing what I want to do, when I want to do it. I'm not some wild ass, but I do like living a fairly uninhibited lifestyle. I'm single and have been in multiple relationships, but rarely with someone within a couple years of my age. I've mostly been with older women whose kids are grown or women who couldn't have kids.

Moreover, I feel a bit behind in life compared to the folks I grew up with. I didn't graduate college until I was 24 and didn't have my first good job until I was 27 - almost 28. Right now, I'm where I would have expected to be at 25, not 30, if someone had asked me "where do you see yourself in five years?" when I was 20. There are still a lot of trips I want to take, things to do and places to see, before I feel like "settling down." Hell, for that matter, I don't know if I'll ever settle down.

I'm social but like to keep people at arm's length on my own terms. One of my ex's wants to back out of town this weekend, and honestly I cannot stand traveling with anyone. A kid would shoot this in the foot.

If I accidentally fathered a kid, I'd panic. I might just leave town and try to be as low profile as possible for awhile.

[Marlow]

I have one daughter and if I had to do it over again I would have 2 or 3 kids total.

[Coldjensens]

There are times when I fantasize about what our life would have been like without kids. The freedom to do thing impulsively (the way I prefer to live), the massive amounts of money we would have for ourselves and for charity. . . . Living in a small house or more likely on a boat and able to take off or move in a moment (I like change). Travel around the world. Ability to career focus and climb to the pinnacle of my profession, drive amazing sportscars, maybe learn to fly, do risky things that are not fair to do when people are dependent on you. . . Actually I would likely have joined the FBI (almost did anyway), or become the US attorney for the Marshall Islands or jumped on a number of other cool but irresponsible more exciting/dramatic career opportunities.

While it is neat to fantasize about, I would absolutely have kids if life was reset. Like others, I might have more of them (we have 5 and the last one is in High school, I am starting to feel lonely already). I love having people around and more is always better. Ideally I think 21 would be a good number of children to have. Of course most of them would have to be adopted.

Now our kids are moving on, we will get to see what it would have been like. So far I am not loving the prospects. Our giant 1830s farmhouse is no longer practical. Eventually we will have to leave it behind and that will be difficult. Love this place. The big conversion vans that are more comfortable than the most expensive luxury cars will no longer make sense for us. No more big dinnertime free for alls at home- we will probably go back to eating out most of the time. Soon we will fly places instead of driving. Not good. Flying is miserable and family road trips are the best thing ever.

Unfortunately, we will not likely get to experience the freed up money thing. I have just over 15 years to save up $2 million if I want to be able to retire before age 70.

If I was not old, worn out, and not so fun anymore, I would definitely be begging my wife to consider adopting some more kids. Maybe we will take in an exchange student.

Or maybe we will try living in a city and see what that is like, but that does not seem to appeal to my wife in the slightest.

[Steve McDonald]

Originally Posted by JerZ

What do you mean by "I have no children to speak of"?

I'd think that a sharp-witted (and sharp-tongued) person as yourself, could figure out that without help.

[meo92953]

At first I wasn't going to answer his, but upon reflection I decided I would.

My son was unexpected. I was 17 & my father had just died. I was so vulnerable at the time & allowed my boyfriend of 2 years to have unprotected sex. One time only & I got pregnant.

We were both too young & the subsequent marriage was totally wrong for both of us.

My son was beautiful but, as he became an adult it became evident he had a mental health issue & was eventually diagnosed as bipolar. His life was pretty chaotic after that.

He died last year at age 44. They said it was a natural death, mainly caused by diabetes & heart problems.

Would I have done it again? Yes, but I wish I'd had the courage to give him up so he could have had two loving parents. Instead all he saw was fighting & lack of money. I could never give him the things other kids had.

[Diane de Poitiers]

I would still choose to have my daughter, but under different and better circumstances. I wasn't planning to get pregnant, wasn't married to her father, and let's just say that many of my family members weren't thrilled about the situation. (eventually, they did come around and things are just fine)

Meanwhile, my ex has never been very involved or supportive, the same can be said of his family, and after 19 years, I'm not holding my breath about that changing.

[JerZ]

Originally Posted by Steve McDonald

I'd think that a sharp-witted (and sharp-tongued) person as yourself, could figure out that without help.

Thank you for the compliment, but I can't. What do you mean? Do you have children or not? I don't understand.

[mschrief]

Originally Posted by May1989

Precisely.

Ask people whose children have grown up and now estranged. You'll get different answer.

My son is estranged by his choice. He says he has no feeling for me or his father. I email him to see if he is ok, no response.

He was not abused, neglected, tortured, treated badly. I was a single parent from the time he was 11 years old. I supported him, his decision, his life path when his Dad was missing in action. Dad was just not interested. My son was my side-kick, my life, my reason for working hard and supporting him in every way,

I feel it is particularly cruel, now that he is 37 almost 38, that he has cut me off from any communication. I don't know if he is alive or dead, well or ill. I cannot imagine doing that to either of my parents, yet here I am.

I cannot help to think that he has a narssistic personality, enjoys keeping me in the dark as to his life. I can only think that if this is what he needs to be happy, he has more issues that can be discussed here.

Very, very cruel.