If you had it to do over again, would you have children? (wife, boyfriend)
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i think it's a very taboo thing for someone to say they would not have had their children if they could do it over. very few people would admit to that... even anonymously online.
I am one of the few then. If I could change the past, I would chose not to have my children. That's 100% honest. And I only will admit that anonymously.
I probably would not have children if I could do things over. I love my children so, so much; they are my heart. But I feel like no matter what I did/do, I can never do things "just right." Especially with my first son, who has severe anger issues, I could just NEVER get it right. Ever. And the harder I tried, the more I seemed to screw up, at least in his eyes, until he absolutely hated me.
I feel like I should not have been a parent. I am on the autism spectrum so maybe that has something to do with this...I don't know. But I never, ever, ever feel like I'm doing it all "right" and I feel sorry for my children for that. And the harder I try...I don't know. Crying now. Be back later, I suppose. This is a really hard thread for me to read, especially the parents for whom things worked out so well and who have nothing but fond memories. I wish my children had nothing but fond memories. At least two of them but probably all three of them (one undiagnosed) all have special needs. Even when I do "do it right" friends and society are there to kick them around anyway. I just feel for them. I feel their special needs are my fault too. At the time I had children I didn't know I was autistic and I assumed I was the extreme exception and, having been very healthy in my pregnancies and very careful, that all would be well. It wasn't. They all three will forever struggle and it's because of my DNA.
No, I would not do it again, and that's BECAUSE I love my children so much.
Wow, I'm shocked at some of the responses. I have only one child. If I could do it over, I'd have more, and sooner. I don't think I was ever really happy until I had my child.
Wow, I'm shocked at some of the responses. I have only one child. If I could do it over, I'd have more, and sooner. I don't think I was ever really happy until I had my child.
Actually, the overwhelming majority of answers given, if you read back, were that posters would do it all over again.
For those who said "no," there have pretty much been some very deep, thoughtful answers. It is not cavalier and selfish, overall.
Your last sentence is a little concerning...that's JMO. So we all have our opinions on all angles on this matter.
Actually, the overwhelming majority of answers given, if you read back, were that posters would do it all over again.
For those who said "no," there have pretty much been some very deep, thoughtful answers. It is not cavalier and selfish, overall.
Your last sentence is a little concerning...that's JMO. So we all have our opinions on all angles on this matter.
Please point out to me where in my original 7 word response I called anyone cavalier or selfish, or said anything about the majority of responses, including what they were. I didn't even imply any criticism.
What concerns *me* is the incredible amount you have read into a single non-comittal sentence. Projection? Insecurity? Your reply was completely unwarranted and unneeded.
I probably would not have children if I could do things over. I love my children so, so much; they are my heart. But I feel like no matter what I did/do, I can never do things "just right." Especially with my first son, who has severe anger issues, I could just NEVER get it right. Ever. And the harder I tried, the more I seemed to screw up, at least in his eyes, until he absolutely hated me.
I feel like I should not have been a parent. I am on the autism spectrum so maybe that has something to do with this...I don't know. But I never, ever, ever feel like I'm doing it all "right" and I feel sorry for my children for that. And the harder I try...I don't know. Crying now. Be back later, I suppose. This is a really hard thread for me to read, especially the parents for whom things worked out so well and who have nothing but fond memories. I wish my children had nothing but fond memories. At least two of them but probably all three of them (one undiagnosed) all have special needs. Even when I do "do it right" friends and society are there to kick them around anyway. I just feel for them. I feel their special needs are my fault too. At the time I had children I didn't know I was autistic and I assumed I was the extreme exception and, having been very healthy in my pregnancies and very careful, that all would be well. It wasn't. They all three will forever struggle and it's because of my DNA.
No, I would not do it again, and that's BECAUSE I love my children so much.
This I can absolutely relate to. A few years ago I started reading about anti-natalism... and it hit me that we brought three people have been brought into the world who will most assuredly face a lifetime of hurts, betrayal, and suffering; the inherent realities of life that I cannot protect them from. Mr.Mathlete and I were both born to people who should have had the sense not to procreate... and I just hope that our kids don't feel that way some day
I once met a woman who had an adult daughter with whom she was great friends, but admitted to me once that if she'd had it to do all over again, she wouldn't have any children. I didn't ask why, though (we were just acquaintances).
We are early 50s and childless. Not necessarily by choice--I just didn't want them enough to "try". I didn't throw up any roadblocks (other than the first several years of marriage on BC pill when we couldn't afford kids during grad school), but decided to put it in God's hands. My parents had their first 3 kids in their early 20s then I happened along in their mid 40s! It was a lonely childhood with parents who'd already "been there, done that". My mom was always saying when I was a kid that "having children is the hardest job you could ever do." I think that shaped me, but still I thought I'd have them (maybe because as a little kid, you don't understand the "hows" of marriage / children, lol).
My husband regrets the "perfect child" he never had. I call it the "Norman Rockwell moments' lament": "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy" as he comes home from work, the first steps, Christmas morning, etc.. He would've LOVED to have been an old-fashioned father, but I know his career always came first. In the old days, guys could do that. Heck, *I* would've loved to have been one, lol. I knew I would've felt in prison by the daily grind of child-rearing. I would've done my best and wouldn't have been horrible (but so did and was my own mother who I was critical of until I realized it hadn't been her biggest desire either and that she had done the best should could).
Some days I wish we'd had them, but it doesn't weigh me down. Now it's more the "selfish" kind of regret as I get older. But, I've known people who had an only kid who were deserted by them, and here they are, all alone. It's probably harder knowing you had kids and that you're still lonely and wishful for their visits than to not have them and feel that way.
Our first 2 home purchases were in the best school districts (with high property taxes!) just in case we had kids. Tons of kids around. Our current relocation and move to a new home, we didn't have to consider that anymore, and we're in a lovely country subdivision. It's amazing how many childless couples there are here; we aren't in the minority any longer, and it feels good.
My husband and I have four kids (26, 20, 19, & 16) and if I could do it all over again I'd have at least two more kids. My youngest is the only boy, I wish I would have tried to give him a brother.
I am one of the few then. If I could change the past, I would chose not to have my children. That's 100% honest. And I only will admit that anonymously.
Well, we don't get to have a second run at life, do we? I have no children to speak of and if I was assigned to go through my younger years again, I absolutely would not have any (assuming that I would retain what I know now). The world could get by nicely without my contribution to its 7.3 billion population.
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