early life crisis- Outside perspective wanted (wife, father, husband, siblings)

[nurse0909]

(Typing this on my phone, I apologize if there are typographical errors)
Hello!
This is a long post, but your input is beyond appreciated
I am 26 years old and just recently married my college sweet heart. I am a nurse and my husband is an engineer. I am writing because my husband was recently offered a job working for his “dream” company in San Diego. I was born and raised here in Phoenix, and I have always wanted to move away, but I went to college here in the valley, and just ended up settling in Phoenix.
My dilemmas…
1) A year and half ago my mother was re-diagnosed with breast cancer. This time stage 4 breast cancer; the oncologist basically said she will be on chemo for life, until she gets tired of it. My mother is still very active and optimistic, besides the couple days after chemo you would never really guess she was battling cancer. I have 4 siblings (2 brothers and 2 sisters), I know I can’t rely on any of them to help take care of my mother, in terms of calling, checking in on her, sitting with her when she’s feeling sick after chemo. This summer I found her basically dead in her house from pneumonia, which led to sepsis. She was on life support for and none of my siblings came to visit at the hospital.
2) My father, who has been smoking for nearly 40 years, but “healthy,” worries the mess out of me. I’m afraid if I leave he won’t go to the doctor and take care of himself. He has been smoking basically his whole life and I don’t want cancer to show up and go undetected. He also has arthritis that is getting worse. I am also afraid that he may become lonely with me moving away.
FYI- My mother is 61 and a retired nurse and my father is 59 and still working as an engineer

Basically, my parents are my best friends, I love them to death and I just feel so guilty about leaving them, especially because they are getting older and their health isn’t the best. At the same time, I feel obligated as a wife to encourage my husband and support him. I can’t ask him to not take a job he has been dreaming about for years! I’m frustrated because I’m torn between living and starting my life with my husband and being here for my parents like they have always been for me. My parents always tell me to go to San Diego, and never try to guilt me into staying, but it would break my heart to leave them.
I am beyond stressed, and would really appreciate some outside perspective.
Thank You
-V

[N804SY]

In this economy your husband can't turn that down. There isn't a right or wrong answer on what to do but if you can swing the airfare from SAN-PHX on Southwest and your marriage is strong you can have him rent a cheap place and you stay in PHX and have him come to PHX or you go to SAN on the weekends.


That sure is some decision. I wish you luck.

[Ponderosa]

I am about your parents age, looking at new health and physical challenges and also have kids who will soon be facing the same kind of choice that you are facing. I would tell them in a heartbeat and with total sincerity that it is their life, they need to pursue their dreams, their careers. Don't worry about us. Your mom and dad are saying the same to you. Listen to them. They really mean it. When you have children of your own you will come to realize that for so many parents, the real joy in their lives is seeing their kids being joyful. We have been sacrificing all your lives for you, and while separation is one of the toughest ones, it is one that we will endure for your benefit. We all know the day you move away is coming. I don't know your parents, of course, but I bet about the last thing they would want in this world is to come between you and your husband and the start of your life together.

And you know, Phoenix to SD is not that big of a deal. Heck, I have neighbors who go to their boat just about every weekend. They leave on Friday afternoon and get back late on Sunday. Don't forget too that there are so many ways today to stay in touch. My daughter who is away at college calls 2-3 times a day for one thing or another. She and her mom shop together online using their phones. Then there is facetime and skype. We see and talk more to her now than when she was a high school teen.

[Poncho_NM]

Originally Posted by nurse0909

I am 26 years old and just recently married my college sweet heart. I am a nurse and my husband is an engineer. I am writing because my husband was recently offered a job working for his “dream” company in San Diego.

That is your future. Don't ignore the rest of your family, but go with your dreams, go with your husband...

Good luck to you.

[ScottsdaleMark]

Good heartfelt post Ponderosa.

OP, keep in mind that moving isn't necessarily permanent, either. Maybe you both love it and never leave. Maybe it's not the dream job he expected and he's ready to go back to Phoenix in a few years, who knows.

I have done a lot of traveling at points in my past to make regular visits to family out of town who were in poor health and it seems impossible at first but once you get in a routine of getting on a plane or in a car every X weekends, or whatever, it's not so hard. It's just what you do.

In nursing if you don't already you could get a job where you work 12 hour shifts or whatever so you have more days off to travel between the two places, regardless of who lives where. You don't have to be in San Diego all the time, after all. You can tell your husband, look, if we do this, X weekends a month/year and most of my vacation time is going to need to be spent in Phoenix. Maybe you go back and forth a lot, maybe you go back and forth less than you think you will. You have a right to your opinions and needs and I am sure he should understand the sacrifice you're making to move for his job.

Maybe you tell him, look let's give it a shot and if I just can't handle it and want to move back to Phoenix, I will let you know, but I am willing to try this to make your "dream" come true.

So, there are middle paths and what you choose today doesn't have to be your choice forever. Trust yourself and your thoughts and feelings.

[cpg35223]

Originally Posted by nurse0909

(Typing this on my phone, I apologize if there are typographical errors)
Hello!
This is a long post, but your input is beyond appreciated
I am 26 years old and just recently married my college sweet heart. I am a nurse and my husband is an engineer. I am writing because my husband was recently offered a job working for his “dream” company in San Diego. I was born and raised here in Phoenix, and I have always wanted to move away, but I went to college here in the valley, and just ended up settling in Phoenix.
My dilemmas…
1) A year and half ago my mother was re-diagnosed with breast cancer. This time stage 4 breast cancer; the oncologist basically said she will be on chemo for life, until she gets tired of it. My mother is still very active and optimistic, besides the couple days after chemo you would never really guess she was battling cancer. I have 4 siblings (2 brothers and 2 sisters), I know I can’t rely on any of them to help take care of my mother, in terms of calling, checking in on her, sitting with her when she’s feeling sick after chemo. This summer I found her basically dead in her house from pneumonia, which led to sepsis. She was on life support for and none of my siblings came to visit at the hospital.
2) My father, who has been smoking for nearly 40 years, but “healthy,” worries the mess out of me. I’m afraid if I leave he won’t go to the doctor and take care of himself. He has been smoking basically his whole life and I don’t want cancer to show up and go undetected. He also has arthritis that is getting worse. I am also afraid that he may become lonely with me moving away.
FYI- My mother is 61 and a retired nurse and my father is 59 and still working as an engineer

Basically, my parents are my best friends, I love them to death and I just feel so guilty about leaving them, especially because they are getting older and their health isn’t the best. At the same time, I feel obligated as a wife to encourage my husband and support him. I can’t ask him to not take a job he has been dreaming about for years! I’m frustrated because I’m torn between living and starting my life with my husband and being here for my parents like they have always been for me. My parents always tell me to go to San Diego, and never try to guilt me into staying, but it would break my heart to leave them.
I am beyond stressed, and would really appreciate some outside perspective.
Thank You
-V

This is a hard decision in life, but one that should be simple to make.

If you value your husband, your marriage, and the life you'll build together, then that's your path. You absolutely love your parents. But rhythm of life is such that parents age and parents die. You will always love them, you will do what you can for them. But you and your husband are now a family unto itself.

Ultimately, if your siblings in the area, your responsibility is to call a meeting and tell them that you're leaving. It's necessary for you to be gone, so you all need to agree on how your mother is going to be nurtured in the last years of her life. Be careful here. You don't want to accuse any of them of neglect. You don't want to be self-congratulatory about shouldering the load so far. You are just saying that there needs to be a plan moving forward, something to which everyone agrees.

[oh-eve]

I agree with the above posters.


Once your dad retires, could they maybe follow you to San Diego? Who knows, maybe you and your husband make the move back until then.

[germaine2626]

Originally Posted by cpg35223

This is a hard decision in life, but one that should be simple to make.

If you value your husband, your marriage, and the life you'll build together, then that's your path. You absolutely love your parents. But rhythm of life is such that parents age and parents die. You will always love them, you will do what you can for them. But you and your husband are now a family unto itself.

Ultimately, if your siblings in the area, your responsibility is to call a meeting and tell them that you're leaving. It's necessary for you to be gone, so you all need to agree on how your mother is going to be nurtured in the last years of her life. Be careful here. You don't want to accuse any of them of neglect. You don't want to be self-congratulatory about shouldering the load so far. You are just saying that there needs to be a plan moving forward, something to which everyone agrees.

I agree.

Even though your parents are having some health problems now you have no idea how long they will live. There is a huge difference between putting your life on hold when a parent has a few weeks or a few months to live, or when you are retired and your children are out of college and on their own but your parents may easily be around for a few more decades. How are you going to feel if your hubby gives up his dream job and you perhaps give your dream of having children & a career and you are still helping your parents, or just your father, when they are/he is 100 -40 years from now!

Don't laugh. I know someone who temporality moved home in her late 20s to help care for her sick parents during a health crisis and her parents both ended up living into their mid 90s. After they died and my friend was finally able to live her own life, she was in her early 60s, no job, no husband, no children, no retirement money. Since she did not have health insurance her cancer was not diagnosed until it was too late and she passed away only a few years after her parents. A really sad story. Don't let it happen to you.

[longneckone]

Go. Keep in touch.(phone emails) visit occasional weekend.

[Colorado Rambler]

Originally Posted by nurse0909

(Typing this on my phone, I apologize if there are typographical errors)
Hello!
This is a long post, but your input is beyond appreciated
I am 26 years old and just recently married my college sweet heart. I am a nurse and my husband is an engineer. I am writing because my husband was recently offered a job working for his “dream” company in San Diego. I was born and raised here in Phoenix, and I have always wanted to move away, but I went to college here in the valley, and just ended up settling in Phoenix.
My dilemmas…
1) A year and half ago my mother was re-diagnosed with breast cancer. This time stage 4 breast cancer; the oncologist basically said she will be on chemo for life, until she gets tired of it. My mother is still very active and optimistic, besides the couple days after chemo you would never really guess she was battling cancer. I have 4 siblings (2 brothers and 2 sisters), I know I can’t rely on any of them to help take care of my mother, in terms of calling, checking in on her, sitting with her when she’s feeling sick after chemo. This summer I found her basically dead in her house from pneumonia, which led to sepsis. She was on life support for and none of my siblings came to visit at the hospital.
2) My father, who has been smoking for nearly 40 years, but “healthy,” worries the mess out of me. I’m afraid if I leave he won’t go to the doctor and take care of himself. He has been smoking basically his whole life and I don’t want cancer to show up and go undetected. He also has arthritis that is getting worse. I am also afraid that he may become lonely with me moving away.
FYI- My mother is 61 and a retired nurse and my father is 59 and still working as an engineer

Basically, my parents are my best friends, I love them to death and I just feel so guilty about leaving them, especially because they are getting older and their health isn’t the best. At the same time, I feel obligated as a wife to encourage my husband and support him. I can’t ask him to not take a job he has been dreaming about for years! I’m frustrated because I’m torn between living and starting my life with my husband and being here for my parents like they have always been for me. My parents always tell me to go to San Diego, and never try to guilt me into staying, but it would break my heart to leave them.
I am beyond stressed, and would really appreciate some outside perspective.
Thank You
-V

It sounds to me as if you've taken on the role of family care-taker. There's nothing wrong with that unless you take it to such extremes that it detracts from your own well-being and puts stress on your marriage, and from your post, I'd say that this is exactly what's happening. Care-taker types (and I'm one of them) need to remember to take care of themselves, as well. If you were to take this to extremes and send your husband off to San Diego on his own, you will come to regret it - believe me. Right now your siblings figure that you've got everything covered, so they have no incentive to become more deeply involved with your mother's care. Sacrifice your marriage so that they can continue on in oblivion land and you won't be able to stop yourself from becoming deeply resentful and very possibly end up divorced if the situation goes on long enough.

You describe your mom as " still very active and optimistic." Doesn't sound like she needs for you to be around 24/7 at this point. You can easily keep tabs on her from San Diego via cell phone and Facebook. San Diego and Phoenix are not all that far apart either, and you write that your husband has a great job offer. Sounds to me like you could afford to go back home for a weekend every month or two two to ensure that things are going smoothly. Unless your family is highly dysfunctional, surely your siblings love your parents as well. Don't nag them, just mention to them that they may wish to become more involved with your Mom's care since you will be unable to keep on eye on things as much as you once did.

Your Dad is still around, still working, and only 59 years old, so it's not as if you're throwing your Mom to the wolves. An engineer is perfectly capable of dialing 911 should something suddenly happen. Plus, he is not going to give up smoking just because you stick around. He'll quit when (if) HE decides he wants to. And what makes you think he'll share his every health symptom with you? Many men just tough it out and say nothing. And his arthritis will continue to progress whether you are there or not. He may some day become so incapacitated by it that he needs assistance, but that hasn't happened yet, and it may never happen. As for him becoming lonely, again there's cell phone calls, posts on Facebook, trips back and forth to see one another, etc. Your Dad is an adult in full possession of his faculties. He should not require that his daughter be his care-taker AND best friend forever.

We can never be sure what the future may bring. The best we can do is to live our lives as well as we can in the present. If we do that, the future will take care of itself. Your parents neither want or need for you to sacrifice your own life for their benefit - no loving parent would wish for their child to do this. One of the biggest mistakes of my life was to leave the place I loved most in the entire world and travel 400 miles back to my hometown to be there for my elderly mother. My mom was doing just fine without me. She got re-married to a man 10 years younger than she was when she hit 70. She had no real need of my presence for almost another 20 years. I'd left almost everything that mattered to me behind out of a misplaced sense of guilt. Don't make the same mistake that I did. Live your life to the fullest while still loving your parents. It can be done and all parties concerned will be the happier for it.