How to accept people as they are (present, personality, judgmental)

[Stymie13]

Originally Posted by katniss15

You mean the work friend who told me the awful truth but did so in frightening way? No. He was rude and really wasn't looking out for me; he was just sick of hearing me complain and got fed up and yelled at me. He was really looking out for him because he didn't want to hear me talk about my relationship anymore.

But I did finally see the truth because I couldn't ignore it after what he said to me. A light bulb went off in my head and I felt like skies opened up for me.

But I would never forgive the manner in which he spoke to me because he was thinking about himself and not about me as his friend. He didn't care about friendship but to be fair, I pushed him to that point.

Sometimes once words are said, you never feel the same about someone again. That's what happened to my work friend and me.

Sometimes the best advice comes in the harshest terms.

The resentment you are holding on to will only continue to injure you. Forgiving him, even if only to yourself, will let you grow past that resentment.

[BirdieBelle]

Originally Posted by katniss15

Sometimes once words are said, you never feel the same about someone again. That's what happened to my work friend and me.

And that's the risk you take when you decide to share criticism with friends.

Sure, you can HOPE they take the meaning to heart and make the changes you think they should make. But I would think very hard about what you believe their shortcomings really are and WHY you think that.

You also have to decide if the positives of the friendship are worth the risk of pointing out the negatives.

[elhelmete]

You don't have to be blunt or intentionally confrontational when/if you choose to say something. I would assume that as longtime friends you could blend it into a conversation organically, even if not comfortably. It could lead to a very fruitful 2-way conversation.

And if it goes south just think of it as creating an opportunity to meet new friends.

In fact, based on similar situations I've experienced, I'd be surprised if the friendships will last without such a conversation sooner than later.

[RamenAddict]

I used to have a few friends who would tell me a lot about their random dates and I found it tedious. I just don't want to hear the details about non-serious relationships. That may be fun when you are 22 but when you reach a certain age and friends are doing the extreme online dating where they may see someone for a month and move on, who has time for that? I simply told those friends I would be happy to hear about their relationships when they got serious with a girl/guy, but until that time, I really have no interest whatsoever in hearing about the day-to-day non-serious stuff.

Of the friends I have, it has worked out really well. One got really offended initially, but he and I work together and I explained to him that I just didn't think it was appropriate to know that much detail about his life. When we met he was in a serious relationship and I think he had one other interim serious relationship, but I am overall much happier not hearing about his day-to-day dating because I'm like the OP in thinking that he tends to make a lot of bad decisions on who he dates. Even the one other one that got kind of serious ended up being crazy, but I was happy to listen to him about that one.

[jimrich]

Originally Posted by katniss15

So how do you accept someone and not let their lifestyle or lifestyle choices, bother you?

For me, it's all about how I feel and think about myself and doing self esteem work and some therapy to undo past Shame and self contempt has made it possible to accept others as well as my self. The better I feel about me, the better I feel about others - even unacceptable others!
Another techniques is to be able to spot my CRITIC when he is operating and stop him from being so mean and critical IN THAT MOMENT. This came from studying our sub-personalities in psychology and, sure enough, there is a very brutal Critic inside of me so I have to frequently tell my Critic to "knock it off" when he jumps on others or their behaviors.
But even my Critic responds well to feelings and ideas of OKness and Self Love or self acceptance - LOL - as I grow older and MELLOWER!
google: self esteem or self respect and learn how to be OK just as you are.

[mycatz]

Originally Posted by katniss15

So it's a new year (2017) and the one personality trait I would like to change about myself would be to stop being so judgmental about my friends.

As a 50 something female, I have a few female friends who I enjoy doing things with (movies, restaurants, plays, etc.). I really enjoy just getting out and meeting people.

What I notice about myself is that a lot of times I get annoyed with certain woman friends when they do things that I think are rather stupid.

For instance, I have one friend who has been married 3 times and still seems to always pick the wrong type of guys. When she starts to tell me about a new guy I listen knowing that within a few weeks it will all be over and usually it's the guy that ends things. It's hard for me to support her with these relationships.

I have another friend who is 60 and looks 70 (hard living and lots of sun) and she is desperate to meet a guy. Her first and only husband was an alcoholic and womanizer. He has a new girlfriend and this really bothers my friend. She talks about him all the time and wonders how he can always find someone while she is having so much trouble. What I want to tell her is that if she lost a few pounds, read some books to make herself interesting, got a facelift (she really needs it) then maybe she could meet someone too. But I can't tell her such harsh things so I just listen to her complain about how lonely she is.

What I notice about myself is that I am judging these ladies instead of just enjoying their friendships for whatever they give to my life at this time. As friends, we do talk but stuff but the stuff they talk about drives me crazy me I just want to tell them my opinion but in doing so, it would hurt them.

So how do you accept someone and not let their lifestyle or lifestyle choices, bother you?

The common theme I see here is women who HAVE to have a man, who define themselves by having a man, whether he's the right man and treats them well-or not. I have been through this with some friends, and we are older than you. I am really quite amazed how much some women will give to these POS's, get so little it return and think it's all peachy keen. Maybe it's not you, maybe it's their boring drama. I think somehow making new friends or seeing a little less of these women might be the best thing.

[silibran]

I think you are just sick of having the same conversations with these women. They are not going to change, and they sound really boring.

You might try to find some new friends, or take up a new, interesting activity, and spend less time with these women.

Or, perhaps you three could try some new theories NGOs together. But doing the same things that you have been doing is not working.

I am not recommending that you ditch these longstanding friends. But I do think you need to try some interesting thing nags on your own, or join a club or take a class to add interest to your life.

Maybe spending less time listening to the same old complaints, will make you more patient with them.

[PhureeKeeper]

Originally Posted by katniss15

So it's a new year (2017) and the one personality trait I would like to change about myself would be to stop being so judgmental about my friends.

As a 50 something female, I have a few female friends who I enjoy doing things with (movies, restaurants, plays, etc.). I really enjoy just getting out and meeting people.

What I notice about myself is that a lot of times I get annoyed with certain woman friends when they do things that I think are rather stupid.

For instance, I have one friend who has been married 3 times and still seems to always pick the wrong type of guys. When she starts to tell me about a new guy I listen knowing that within a few weeks it will all be over and usually it's the guy that ends things. It's hard for me to support her with these relationships.

I have another friend who is 60 and looks 70 (hard living and lots of sun) and she is desperate to meet a guy. Her first and only husband was an alcoholic and womanizer. He has a new girlfriend and this really bothers my friend. She talks about him all the time and wonders how he can always find someone while she is having so much trouble. What I want to tell her is that if she lost a few pounds, read some books to make herself interesting, got a facelift (she really needs it) then maybe she could meet someone too. But I can't tell her such harsh things so I just listen to her complain about how lonely she is.

What I notice about myself is that I am judging these ladies instead of just enjoying their friendships for whatever they give to my life at this time. As friends, we do talk but stuff but the stuff they talk about drives me crazy me I just want to tell them my opinion but in doing so, it would hurt them.

So how do you accept someone and not let their lifestyle or lifestyle choices, bother you?

I can't imagine telling someone they need to lose weight or have a facelift to get a date. Geez.

[katniss15]

Originally Posted by silibran

I think you are just sick of having the same conversations with these women. They are not going to change, and they sound really boring.

You might try to find some new friends, or take up a new, interesting activity, and spend less time with these women.

Or, perhaps you three could try some new theories NGOs together. But doing the same things that you have been doing is not working.

I am not recommending that you ditch these longstanding friends. But I do think you need to try some interesting thing nags on your own, or join a club or take a class to add interest to your life.

Maybe spending less time listening to the same old complaints, will make you more patient with them.

True. It's the same thing over and over and I just want to say "What, this again?"

I do think I need a break and just need to find some new hobbies.

[Eevee17]

I used to have a lot of "friends". I was like you, always trying to find the good and putting too much effort into friendships. When I was having some problems of my own, I noticed some of my friends weren't willing to put in the effort. I cut down my friends to people who I really enjoyed being around and didn't have to modify who I was or cope with who they were. What I'm saying is you have to accept them for who they are, they're not really friends. You should either make new friends (If they are your only friends) or cut them lose and focus on people you enjoy. It sounds like you are making all the effort.