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Having a good "sense" of character is not the same as judgmental.
Unsure if some are projecting or simply more attune. I tend to minimize my time/effort with the hopeless. By hopeless I mean they prefer to repeat poor choices and ask that I pity them.
I do not need to "accept" rude and lewd comments or behaviors. Sometimes we need a reminder that our values hold truths ..
As my relative said... I may not like what you do, I still love the you that I know is genuinely a work in progress.
That brings up a good point. What is the reason the OP is picking friends like this in the first place?
I am not being judgmental. I am starting to realize how much I really cannot stand the "friend" I most socialize with. The term that's been going through my head most lately is "familiarity breeds contempt", because I feel so much contempt for this person. She hasn't changed, so it's me. She has always been annoying, but lately I find myself snapping at things I used to just tolerate or ignore.
I've been around the block enough to know I put up with this person's annoying nonsense for a reason that has little to do with her and more to do with me.
Ugh.
This is true. That old saying.....A friend is around for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.
What ever need you had initially for hanging out with people like you've described has past....You no longer have that "neediness."
It is ok to move on.....or at least move on to the point that these are not your only friends, and when you feel up to being around them it will be fun, because you'll have broken the current pattern that you all have fallen into with them simply unloading on you.
Personally, I consider a close friend someone that I can confide in, and they can confide in me, and neither would be afraid to tell each other the truth even if it conflicts with each others opinions. Our best friends will tell us the truth, not just what they think we want to hear.
Ultimately I cannot control what other people do and I am only in control of myself in the end.
That is how I accept people as they are. I don't really have a choice unless I want to be angry and bitter forever. However, that doesn't mean that I have to tolerate all behavior from someone, or that I approve of someone's behavior. Boundaries help me separate other people's feelings and actions from my own.
Ultimately I cannot control what other people do and I am only in control of myself in the end.
That is how I accept people as they are. I don't really have a choice unless I want to be angry and bitter forever. However, that doesn't mean that I have to tolerate all behavior from someone, or that I approve of someone's behavior. Boundaries help me separate other people's feelings and actions from my own.
I agree and I think learning this is a lifetime process and not a simple product of making up one's mind. It starts there but then there's the issue of self-esteem, learning that you have value as a person.
You can know that in your head and still not have it incorporated into your attitudes and actions. It sometimes takes time to learn to value yourself. So people practice.
And during that practicing period of one's life it may be necessary to exclude any and all people who interfere with the ability to care for yourself. The boundary may have to be very solid and impermeable.
But over time, as you learn in more depth about self-care and self-love, you may develop more confidence in your interpersonal skills and your ability to deal with people who used to threaten your emotional well-being. Practice may make it possible to deflect others' actions and words that used to sting.
And that will open your life to make room for a wider variety of various levels of friends. You can lose some of that rigidity that you needed to protect yourself and have more spontaneity because you trust yourself more.
When I said I ask "the higher power" for help I did it to indicate that my opinion has nothing to do with organized religion. And yes, it does sound like a step.
When I said I ask "the higher power" for help I did it to indicate that my opinion has nothing to do with organized religion. And yes, it does sound like a step.
You can know that in your head and still not have it incorporated into your attitudes and actions. It sometimes takes time to learn to value yourself. So people practice.
Yes, I agree with this. I am learning that it is not enough to set boundaries, but that I need to love myself too in order to cope with what life throws my way.
This is true. That old saying.....A friend is around for a season, a reason, or a lifetime.
What ever need you had initially for hanging out with people like you've described has past....You no longer have that "neediness."
It is ok to move on.....or at least move on to the point that these are not your only friends, and when you feel up to being around them it will be fun, because you'll have broken the current pattern that you all have fallen into with them simply unloading on you.
Personally, I consider a close friend someone that I can confide in, and they can confide in me, and neither would be afraid to tell each other the truth even if it conflicts with each others opinions. Our best friends will tell us the truth, not just what they think we want to hear.
Very true. In the case of my annoying friend, I had moved to an area where I knew only one person, but I was a few miles from that friend, and she still was wrapped up in her teenagers while my kid was grown.
Annoying Friend was someone to hang out and have a glass of wine with, play cards with, etc. I worked 50 miles away and it takes time to make friends when you are older and single and don't have any connections where you live.
She served her purpose, and now I want to extricate myself from her a bit. Lest that sound cold, I believe I served a similar purpose for her. Her best buddy, also in the neighborhood, had undergone knee surgery and had an aide to help her. Well, she became good friends with the aide and began to do the things with her that she used to do with Annoying Friend.
Now, to my advantage, that woman is hanging less with the aide and had been calling Annoying Friend to go shopping, which they both love to do and is something I hate to do. So, it is working.
I also started going to a church to meet people, and I invited AF and now she has made friends there with whom she can do other things I hate to do; e.g., crafts.
I used to have a lot of "friends". I was like you, always trying to find the good and putting too much effort into friendships. When I was having some problems of my own, I noticed some of my friends weren't willing to put in the effort. I cut down my friends to people who I really enjoyed being around and didn't have to modify who I was or cope with who they were. What I'm saying is you have to accept them for who they are, they're not really friends. You should either make new friends (If they are your only friends) or cut them lose and focus on people you enjoy. It sounds like you are making all the effort.
Why should anyone make all the effort, and "accept" people as they are? Over the years I've had many friends who are always looking for me to be listening ear and shoulder to cry on while they aren't able to do the same for me when I got thrown some curveballs in life. Why should I accept being used?
If these are good, longtime friends who've seen you through ups and downs then try to steer your friends to better ways of living life than constantly chasing men is recommend a therapist or maybe a "life coach" if they would be offended by the suggestion of therapy. That way a third party will point out their self-defeating behaviors.
OTOH if these women are only spending time with you because they don't have a steady man in their lives at the moment and would drop you like a hot potato if they got a good boyfriend, then yes save your breath and move on to less selfish people.
People have to stop being so scared to speak the truth to each other.
Perhaps if ANYONE had spoken up to these two women YEARS AGO, they might have taken it to heart, made an effort to change behavior, and be living completely different, happier lives. Because no one has said anything, they just keep doing the same stupid things and remain unhappy.
My father had an expression "you can't tell people what they don't want to hear".
You have a point, maybe if someone had spoken up years ago that might have changed their paths in life.
But these people are 50 and over.
The OP's friend who has been married 3 times and always picks the wrong men, so that ship has sailed.
The OP didn't mention is these friends just talk about themselves the whole time. If they do, well I try to avoid people like that and if they go on and on about the same issue, you smile and listen briefly and than try and get them off the subject.
But telling this woman how her romantic life is a train wreck isn't going to do any good. Not at this stage in the game.
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Over the years I've had many friends who are always looking for me to be listening ear and shoulder to cry on while they aren't able to do the same for me when I got thrown some curveballs in life. Why should I accept being used? 
