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There may not be anything you can do about this situation, but I personally feel your feelings are very valid. I would be upset if my parents gave my brother a ton of money over the years and then donated all their money to charity when they passed away. And like you perhaps not upset on my behalf, but on behalf of my kids. That money could help them go to college or otherwise help them better prepare for the future. Sometimes it isn't even about the money, but being fair and treating everyone equally. When your mom pipes up next time complaining about all the money she's given to your brother I would tell her that you don't want to hear about it or discuss it anymore. It was her choice to give it to him. Maybe you can't change her mind, but I think asking to not talk about it anymore is more than fair.
That does sound very unfair OP. But any chance your lucky brother has given more of his time and care to your parents over the years? That would begin to justify his lottery win (250,000 pounds is alot of money).
It sounds like you and your sisters could approach your mother honestly and try to change her mind about donating her house to charity. Stories of your 4 kids going without should strike a cord with most moms about their grandkids. Maybe suggest a 3-way split (your brother got his) with you and your sisters.
Note- there will be a number of posters here saying you can do nothing about inheritance. They'll say it is rude, it is her money, etc, etc. I don't buy that. Heck my own mom often says she will give her 3 kids equal shares of the family estate, but what if she were saying this only to buy nicer treatment from her kids?
It is a 2 way street. A parent's senior years often need to be managed by his/her kids. And inheritances can be enough to change lives for the better.
Join with your sisters and make a well thought out request...
I don't think you sound like a spoiled brat for feeling this is unfair, there always seem to be a chorus of CD posters ready to call others spoiled if they didn't pull themselves up by the bootstraps while walking 10 miles in snow
It's only natural to feel upset over what is very blatantly unfair treatment by a parent. In some cultures the inheritance isn't a taboo subject and has always been discussed prior to parents passing, my own grandparents discussed splitting all evenly until of course of their sons siphoned off tons of money towards himself like your brother did. That brother eventually also manipulated the parents to eventually get about 75% of the estate. I would not be surprised if your brother would contrive to do the same. So if he got not only 250k pounds but also somehow the house doesn't go to charity and he gets that too, how would you feel?
The suggestion of joining with your sisters to say something is a good one.
I had a similar experience. When my mom became ill and needed help - my sister decided since I was the unmarried one, I should take on the responsibility. Not really a problem, mom and I were close - closer than she was with my sister. Over 10 years til my dad retired I handled all the issues, emergency room runs, doctors appointments, surgical appointments etc (my dad was a sales rep and on the road Monday thru Friday). It just became my life. Once my dad retired - things eased up some, then his health took a downturn. There was one weekend, my dad was in the hospital having surgery, mom had a respiratory attack and we were in the ER for 8+ hours. Where was Sis? At the beach where were nephews? living their own lives. So when my parents made me Executor who raised holy hell?
Fast forward a few years after my dad passed and I had been given the chance to regain my life in another city. My sister and BIL weaseled their way into moms bank accounts and took a chunk... nephew cashed in a CD that mom had for him - he was on the cd but it was supposed to be for after she was gone. When she passed, before I got there they took it upon themselves to go through the check book and see that mom sent me $$ a few times to cover purchases I made for her, or send me a bonus here and there - totaled maybe $5000 over 3-4 years. I never asked for it - no one else would buy her the special food she needed - Celiac - Gluten free- OH they started screaming and raising crap. then when I saw the bank statements.... I went back to them. Honestly I ended up in the hole because I paid some estate bills out of guilt. It's been 6 years and I'm still waiting to be reimbursed for some of the money from nephew... never gonna see it - or him again.
Do you think it would be ok for me to let my Mother know how much it has upset me?
I'm afraid I would feel the same way.
In fact, I might say something along the lines of, "When you say charity, do you mean Robert? Because you've given him a quarter of a million over the last decade and I've not asked for much at all. I'd appreciate it if you think of me and my sisters before deciding what to do with the rest of the family money."
It's not your money. Your feelings are valid, but it is your Mother's choice what she does with the money. .....
I think you need to let it go. There may be more reasons behind why your brother received money you don't know about.
In short this is what!!
But think from your mom side, now she is widowed, is this a tantrum she is playing or it may be due to the fact that she missing her partner so going through emotional period, so that she gets more attention?? What the quality of time you and your siblings are spending with her. May be she needs more time with her kids and grand kids.
As some earlier poster pointed no mom would like to see her grand kids suffer.
Crying babies only get milk....
You mentioned, your bro and parents relation bonded further during his divorce, is it means does he spent quality of time with your parents??
IMHO, forget about inheritance money for few more months, just "ignore" her statements about charity and visit her with your family as many times as possible, if you are not already doing it.
Make her comfortable in absence her husband.
You are grown up you might be already aware but just In any case, dont discuss these things infront of your kids or your siblings kids (if any), dont make negative impression of their Grand ma and uncle.
I'm glad I don't have to worry about this. I'm an only child, when my parents are gone I get everything, no fighting with siblings.
I only have one child myself, and I'm a decade older than my wife, so everything will go to her when I die and she can handle it for our kid when she passes.
My grandmother died this last year. She had two sons and one daughter. While a lot of things were already settled as to who gets what by a will, there was still some friction, as my uncle wanted my grandmother to change the will to take money away from my father because as he told her, my father makes good money and doesn't really need it.
That of course, didn't go over well with my father, especially since his brother and sister have already been given hundreds of thousands of dollars over the years and my father has been given nothing. It was an interesting Thanksgiving this year, I'll say that.
She brings it up because she likes to moan about how much money she's been giving my Brother.
This makes no sense. If she doesn't like to give money to your brother, why does she do it?
The next time she brings it up, ask her point-blank: "Mom, why do you keep bringing this up? How do you expect me to feel? It sounds like you're bragging about favoring [brother's name] over your other 3 children. What's the point of this conversation? I don't understand. Could you explain? Do you hate the rest of us, or something? Why do you keep harping on this?"
It's thoughtless, self-absorbed, and really a bit cruel for her to talk about this at all, let alone to keep bringing it up to you. (But at least now you've been forewarned, so you won't be in complete shock, disbelief and bewilderment upon learning of the will after her death, as happens in some families.) It's not unreasonable for you to ask her for an explanation as to why she keeps bringing it up (rubbing your face in it, is what it amounts to). It's fair enough to try to induce some self-reflection on her part, by simply holding a mirror up to her, as it were, and pointing out the thoughtless and pointless nature of her seemingly obsessive choice of conversation topic.
If she gets defensive and tries to imply you're making it about the inheritance per se (or lack thereof), you can bring it back to the fact that there's no need to keep talking about it time after time, since you got the message the first time. Ask her again, why she feels the need to harp on the topic.
This may not help you feel any better about it, OP, but there's often a secretly favored child, who receives all manner of financial help that the others aren't aware of. Parents can be strange about money; there can be no rhyme or reason to it. I've heard so many stories you wouldn't believe, like very well--off parents stealing a grandparent's gift-by-will to an adult grandchild, or selling an adult child's home on whose loan they'd co-signed and contributed a downpayment to, and keeping all the money, no matter how much the child needed at least part of the proceeds from the sale.
I'm sorry you're going through this, and that your mom appears to be clueless as to the emotional effect of all this talk on you.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 01-05-2017 at 01:51 PM..
I think the "charity" ruse is something your mother has concocted out of desperation. Up until this point she was complaining to you all about the money she was giving to your brother because:
1. She lacked the guts to tell him no.
2. She didn't want the rest of her children asking for money also, so she tried to convey her displeasure with giving HIM money, hoping the rest of you
would take heed.
I suspect she will leave an inheritance to you and your sisters, with your brother receiving little to nothing; after all, he got his while your mother was still living. Again, however, I think your mother is afraid to tell him, "No more!" so she's using you, in a way, to tell the story about her charitable intentions. Her immediately objective is to put an end to the family squabbles over an inheritance -- and to send a clear message to your brother that the golden goose has run out of eggs.
Last edited by StayingAfterSunday; 01-05-2017 at 02:07 PM..
Take a different path. This is eating at you. She brings it up. Just say I would like you to give me that X amount same as my brother & I expect my other sibling would like that also. Then do not say anything more about it.
I generally think people should consider how a will is written none of their business. But in your case, your mother's unequal treatment is rather egregious, and I think it's worth discussing with her. She seems rather manipulative, and it is mind-boggling to me that a parent would indulge one adult child so much, but leave the others hanging.
Frankly, her behavior is so dysfunctional between the unequal treatment and her strange complaints about "having" to give your brother money that I think you should probably have a session with a therapist to just kind of see if there are any underlying issues or how it could be affecting your personal relationships. If she has always been this way, the things you consider normal and functional may not actually BE normal and functional.
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