Is it possible to cut off inlaws (husbands, children, wedding)
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I had a friend who managed to pull this off - sort of.
His MIL was a nightmare. I met the woman and really, I just could not understand how anyone put up with her insanity.
My friend began searching for a job not just out of state but out of the country. And he found one. And he moved and he rarely if ever saw that harpie again.
His FIL was a great guy. I enjoyed spending time with him but never understood why he tolerated the abuse.
I think you can let your husband deal with her. This is his mother and he has his own relationship with her. You have yours, which is not necessary to have. You do have to respect your husband but you don't have to participate.
The OP can cut anybody she wants out of her life. She cannot ask the same of of her husband. That decision is his alone.
Exactly. OP the only person that you can control in these situations is yourself.
You didn't say how long you've been married. And it might make a difference if your 25 year old daughter were a child, because I strongly believe all children should be accepted be they step or bio.
I wonder how good you are at hiding how you really feel about your MIL....She may be reacting to your disdain.....and you may be getting invited simply because she doesn't want to hurt her son.
IMO The only relationship that truly matters is between your husband and his Mother.
You obviously were older being you mentioned being a second marriage. So, if you are not excepted and you honestly have tried to be an accepting person to her...Than simply allow your husband the time with his Mom....bow out more often than you attend her invites. A mature person should be able to deflect her in a group without it being a real dramatic situation.
I find that you seem overly sensitive about her asking about your parents. Most people would be asking if they were caring and close. She may not be as tactful as you'd prefer, but you should still be able to say Thank you for asking.....
Your reaction might be keeping other family members from asking after your family, because you do not sound like you hide your feelings....That makes people afraid to approach, it also makes people keep you at a distance.
So, it could be that you've made a cyclical situation....Your reaction leads to distance, it makes others uncomfortable to be around you......That may be part of the acceptance issues for your daughter. Perhaps others can read your emotions and then do not invite you, and by extension your daughter to things to avoid that.
You do realize when you choose not to embrace a matriarch of a family, there will be sides taken....And being the new wife, you will not be the one people stand up for....
People love others unconditionally in families....She may well be a "pain in the a--" but she is Their pain in the a--.
There is no gain in fighting what you cannot change about another person. You either step up and put a smile on your face and deal with it or you walk away. But how you handle any situation is what determines the result....Handle it thoughtfully, not emotionally and reactively.
Try to be more gracious. And if you want your daughter to be more included, give some parties yourself....and include the extended families.
I have been married almost 10 years, so this is not a new marriage. My mother in law has issues with my husband. They have NEVER gotten along. This struggle is not with me, but her issues with my husband. However, as we are married, she hurts him through hurting me. And my daughter. My daughter was 14 when they met, and in my opinion, still a child. My daughter was never included on invitations to showers, weddings, or anything else. I have gone to every party, smiled graciously, and been part of the conversations. I was married before and my inlaws were family to me. I tried the same approach with my mother in law and it didn't work. She has acted the same with my sister in law's husband also. However, my sister in law has told her in no uncertain terms that she will protect her family no matter what, and if my mother in law had issues with her husband, she was welcome not to come around anymore to see her grandchildren. As she doesn't consider my daughter a grandchild, that threat falls on deaf ears in my home.
We have invited her over many times, but she is always busy with the grandchildren. We used to have Christmas Eve at my house, and everyone really enjoyed themselves with games and prizes. My sister in law had another baby and decided the parties would be at her house after that. My mother in law at the Christmas party turned to me and said "just wait until you see the prizes WE have at OUR party here." I was so taken back by the venom in her voice I kind of just sat and smiled the rest of the night. It was as if she was trying to compete or something.
I truly believe she has some type of mental illness. Her severe hate for my father in law after 40 years is just not normal. And then hurting her son and in turn, his wife, to feel better about the divorce borders on illness in my book. I hide my feelings better than most. Her daughters can do no wrong, and scream at her at every turn. Then once they scream, she turns on my husband and I, because we try not to rock the boat. Maybe I SHOULD let my feelings out more often and maybe she wouldn't feel she could walk all over me.
As far as being overly sensitive about my parents, maybe I am. I have a mother with Alzheimer's and a father who has a terminal illness. I stay with them and clean up after them every weekend. I'm at the hospital constantly when my dad is rushed in again. Sometimes I would like to have a conversation that doesn't include their illnesses. Asking how a person is doing is fine. When you are grilled for 2 hours every time you see a person is a bit excessive.
I appreciate all the comments and opinions. It is not an easy situation, but I really think I will bow out gracefully and just stop going to family functions.
I have been married almost 10 years, so this is not a new marriage. My mother in law has issues with my husband. They have NEVER gotten along. This struggle is not with me, but her issues with my husband. However, as we are married, she hurts him through hurting me. And my daughter. My daughter was 14 when they met, and in my opinion, still a child. My daughter was never included on invitations to showers, weddings, or anything else. I have gone to every party, smiled graciously, and been part of the conversations. I was married before and my inlaws were family to me. I tried the same approach with my mother in law and it didn't work. She has acted the same with my sister in law's husband also. However, my sister in law has told her in no uncertain terms that she will protect her family no matter what, and if my mother in law had issues with her husband, she was welcome not to come around anymore to see her grandchildren. As she doesn't consider my daughter a grandchild, that threat falls on deaf ears in my home.
We have invited her over many times, but she is always busy with the grandchildren. We used to have Christmas Eve at my house, and everyone really enjoyed themselves with games and prizes. My sister in law had another baby and decided the parties would be at her house after that. My mother in law at the Christmas party turned to me and said "just wait until you see the prizes WE have at OUR party here." I was so taken back by the venom in her voice I kind of just sat and smiled the rest of the night. It was as if she was trying to compete or something.
I truly believe she has some type of mental illness. Her severe hate for my father in law after 40 years is just not normal. And then hurting her son and in turn, his wife, to feel better about the divorce borders on illness in my book. I hide my feelings better than most. Her daughters can do no wrong, and scream at her at every turn. Then once they scream, she turns on my husband and I, because we try not to rock the boat. Maybe I SHOULD let my feelings out more often and maybe she wouldn't feel she could walk all over me.
As far as being overly sensitive about my parents, maybe I am. I have a mother with Alzheimer's and a father who has a terminal illness. I stay with them and clean up after them every weekend. I'm at the hospital constantly when my dad is rushed in again. Sometimes I would like to have a conversation that doesn't include their illnesses. Asking how a person is doing is fine. When you are grilled for 2 hours every time you see a person is a bit excessive.
I appreciate all the comments and opinions. It is not an easy situation, but I really think I will bow out gracefully and just stop going to family functions.
Ugh, this IS difficult.
The fact that you have a sister-in-law who you would like to spend time with makes it harder for you to cut out or even ignore your MIL, since SIL can and will continue to host her mother.
Rather than exclude yourself from ALL family functions, I would not invite MIL to your house at all, but definitely STOP taking her abuse with a polite smile. Clapping back at her will not CHANGE her, but at least it may make you feel better if you stop being her doormat.
You could take a very methodical, unemotional approach when you are around her and simply counter her attacks. If she asks about your parents, say something like, "I don't want to discuss that with you." If she persists, I think I would lean in real close and whisper, "I know you don't like me, and I don't really care. Let's just leave each other alone and enjoy the people we want to be here with."
I wonder if that would make things better or worse.
My first inclination with the comments like the one about the prizes is to go full sarcastic, like, "Wow! I'm sure you are very proud to have the best Christmas prizes in the land!" And go talk to someone else. But that's just me.
The fact that you have a sister-in-law who you would like to spend time with makes it harder for you to cut out or even ignore your MIL, since SIL can and will continue to host her mother.
Rather than exclude yourself from ALL family functions, I would not invite MIL to your house at all, but definitely STOP taking her abuse with a polite smile. Clapping back at her will not CHANGE her, but at least it may make you feel better if you stop being her doormat.
You could take a very methodical, unemotional approach when you are around her and simply counter her attacks. If she asks about your parents, say something like, "I don't want to discuss that with you." If she persists, I think I would lean in real close and whisper, "I know you don't like me, and I don't really care. Let's just leave each other alone and enjoy the people we want to be here with."
I wonder if that would make things better or worse.
My first inclination with the comments like the one about the prizes is to go full sarcastic, like, "Wow! I'm sure you are very proud to have the best Christmas prizes in the land!" And go talk to someone else. But that's just me.
I'm sorry, OP. It really does suck.
It would make things worse. The mother is showing classic narcissistic tendencies. When confronted, they will always fight back at a higher level.
The best thing to do is just ignore her. Don't invite her over and decline any invitations from her. You do not need to explain your actions or get into a contest with her - no one would win.
The important thing to do is talk to your husband and let him know that you plan to simply ignore her from this point forward.
It would make things worse. The mother is showing classic narcissistic tendencies. When confronted, they will always fight back at a higher level.
I agree, and have been through this myself.
Ignoring isn't working for the OP, though. SOME narcissists will move on to another target if you bow up on them and they see that you aren't going to help propel their "me first and only" agenda.
It depends on the OP's tolerance for confrontation.
I have thought she may be narcissistic for a few years, but since I don't know anyone like that, only read on the internet, I never said anything. I don't like to confront people. I just am not good at it, which is why I usually just deal with her pettiness. My husband on the other hand, has called her out many a times, and once he confronts her, watch out. She goes insane and starts calling anyone who will listen to tell them what my husband said, what he may have said about anyone else out of frustration, and always embellishes the truth so others side with her. I am actually appalled at how she acts when someone crosses her. My husband has as little to do with her as possible, however she recently had heart surgery and my husband feels he needs to go around her more often.
I think the best idea for me is to just walk away after reading everyone's thoughts. My husband sticks up for me, so I have no reason to be upset at all with him, nor would I ever try to tell him to distance himself from his mother. But I just feel at my age, I don't want that type of drama in my life.
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