Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
background: Im 31, my mother and i have always had a rocky relationship. My grandma was more like a mom to me. She passed away in 2012.
Some things happened at the end of last year that made me say enough is enough! This is toxic and its not going to magically get better.
My question is for those that have cut off the relationship, how long did it take you to be at full peace about it and stop wondering in the back of your mind if you made the right choice? If you have children, how did you handle that aspect?
** I do NOT want to repair the relationship. Maybe that makes me a horrid person but shed have to do some serious soul searching and begging for it to happen.
I was raised by my grandmother and my relationship can be best described as toxic with my mother. I was at peace with things until recently in my 30s when things came to a head and new information came to light that shed light on the gaps of when I was growing up and explained her absence ( a combo of chemical abuse and mental disorders). Without going into specific details, sometimes you just have to come to the piece of mind that you cant rationalize with "crazy" as in drug or alcohol addiction on top of mental disorder and let it go. Yes its hard because I think we all seek understanding as part of of the issue of letting go and sometimes its impossible in light of mental disorder combined with addiction. It is incredibly hard to come to that peace of mind- can't rationalize with crazy... (And I apologize for the verbiage)
Just as with a death, you have to go thru the stages of grieving to come to acceptance with the loss of the relationship. Each person will go thru the stages in their own time line. Some find acceptance fast and some hold onto stages of denial or anger for their whole life.
Just try hard to not be the person who holds onto the anger and keeps it your entire life. My father in law did and it affected everyone and everything.
Dont be the person like an acquaintance of ours who was so bitter and angry about a divorce that it was what she brought up to everyone for decades. It was all we knew about her and it did not make her look good.
My question is for those that have cut off the relationship, how long did it take you to be at full peace about it and stop wondering in the back of your mind if you made the right choice?
I'm considerably older than you, so I've had a few more decades to experience the crazy in full flower. I finally went no-contact two years ago and oh what a blessed relief it was. I've never wondered if it was the right choice because it indisputably was.
It helps that I don't have to justify it to anyone. Even DH, who anxiously questions every decision I make, supports this one.
I am witnessing my oldest son (29 yo )severing ties with his father (my ex) and my youngest (23 yo) is on the edge of doing the same. It's hard for me to watch them come to the same conclusions I did, but I know they must get there on their own. My out-laws cut my oldest out of their lives out of spite (he didn't want to take their preferred path in life). I watched the out-laws do the same with my former brother in-law (cut him out of their lives) as their means of disapproving and attempting to control his behavior.
I never experienced severing a tie with a parent, only a close friend that chose to mock me when I turned my work and personal schedule upside down to help her. I firmly believe we choose how we allow people to treat us. That is what destroyed my marriage and what is driving the wedge between my boys and their father. I think if it's over an act that is non negotiable, a sense of peace is possible. However, if it's unclear, there's a greater possibility of great regret, especially should the parent pass with unresolved issues.
Last edited by SmartMoney; 01-29-2017 at 07:14 AM..
Reason: Added son's ages
I went No Contact with my mother, whom I am convinced is the poster child of Malignant Narcissist several years ago. Her addictions to alcohol and prescription medication were too much. Some days you find yourself double guessing your decision, rationalizing it or explaining the why's to family etc. Only YOU know what you can take and ultimately, you have to worry about YOUR mental health too.
In my case it really helped that of my three siblings, only one has limited contacted. My self doubt on my decision for no contact came when I was at my niece's birthday party and my SIL asked if she could ask me something. Apparently my mother had lied to my younger brothers told them I had herpes to drive a wedge between us after they showed back up as teenagers after their father abandoned them. She continued to promote the lie for years all the while pretending to be the loving mother she never was because she abandoned me as a child to do whatever. That was it for me. She was absent during my childhood and the friendly relationship I thought I had with her as an adult was a charade.
My question is for those that have cut off the relationship, how long did it take you to be at full peace about it and stop wondering in the back of your mind if you made the right choice?
Maybe never, but one has to learn to live with this. You may find peace, through working with psychologists, you may analyze the reasons she is the way she is, and you may raise your inner child to full adulthood. Yet, when she breaks through with some contact, or people who don't know that they cannot judge, start poking at your scabs, it may stir doubts again and again.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815
If you have children, how did you handle that aspect?
This is the most painful part. You may start replaying your own dysfunctional mother, towards your child. It takes much more self-work than the usual parenting does.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815
** I do NOT want to repair the relationship. Maybe that makes me a horrid person
It does not. Just remember, nobody (including you) can judge you without your permission (c). People have to walk in your shoes, before judging.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ohky0815
but shed have to do some serious soul searching and begging for it to happen.
It won't happen. If she does, - good. But build your life without expecting it.
My question is for those that have cut off the relationship, how long did it take you to be at full peace about it and stop wondering in the back of your mind if you made the right choice? If you have children, how did you handle that aspect?
I had more of a guilt trip with my mother. She was good and bad while growing up and I remember a lot of fun times with her. She was not an abuser or an alcoholic but she was a toxic person. She had mental issues and lived in a fantasy world, told lies about herself and others including me, was a hypochondriac and she had sticky fingers. I used to lock my bedroom door when she stayed over because things would magically disappear.
I had enough of her stories and wanting others "not" to be happy when I was in my mid 30's. I had to tell her that it was enough and I was sorry about it. I just couldn't do it anymore. I never second guessed my decision but over the years I did wish things had been different with her. I am now 50 and she died 2 years ago. I did not go to her funeral as I felt that would have been hypocritical.
For me it was a very good decision to not have her in my life. I have good memories of her and feel bad that she had so many problems that she couldn't fix. I feel more sad about her than anything else.
Take your time. It s not an easy decision but many times sadly it is the best decision. Good luck to you.
It was an immense relief. No wondering at all if it was the right thing to do.
So you're not suffering from doubt...you're suffering from guilt that you are not feeling guilty.
I think lots of factors contribute. How full is your life? How strong is your own mental health? How physical is your boundary? Are others in the family prodding you to reestablish contact? etc.
I did not actually cut off contact with my Mom. IMHO that is easier than what I did. I learned to stop hoping things would be different 'this time'. I had to continue spending time with my mom in order to continue my relationship with my dad. Now that he is gone, I have to continue spending time with my mom as a support for my brother, who would be angry and resentful if I left him holding the bag. I don't forgive her for the abuse, but I do feel pity for her. She doesn't have anyone left to abuse, and she knows it.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
