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Growing up, my mother never wanted to deal with the nitty-gritty details of my life. She only wanted to deal with me in a detached way, and only wanted to hear that I was perfect and that everything was going great in my life. If I had a problem, I could not approach her with it because she refused to listen and would deny the existence of the problem. I was basically left to fend for myself as early as four years old. I learned that my needs and my reality were simply not important to her.
I live in another state now and am completely self-sufficient, successful, etc, but still she takes no interest in my life. Every now and then she'll text me, almost like she's checking to see if I'm still alive or something, but she doesn't ask me about what's going on in my life at all. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that I AM A REAL PERSON and I HAVE A LIFE that deserves to be recognized. Everything is still all about her.
Sometimes I get the feeling that it PAINS her to acknowledge me. Like it's too difficult for her to step out of her self-centered existence to take a genuine interest in her daughter.
It usually doesn't get to me, because it's what I have known my whole life, but today we talked on the phone briefly to discuss a family situation and I wanted to reach through the phone and wring her neck. I just moved to a new location and got a new job and there was NO mention of that. NO questions about what's going on in my life, who I'm dating, how I even AM. And I got off the phone feeling like that same worthless child who isn't allowed to have needs. Isn't allowed to exist at all.
I'm sorry. Maybe it would be best to just cut her off completely for awhile. That might change her behavior or it might not. It will allow you to see whether she cares or not. If not, you're probably better off without her in your life. But it may cause her to not take you for granted and see how inappropriately she has treated you.
I'm sorry. Maybe it would be best to just cut her off completely for awhile. That might change her behavior or it might not. It will allow you to see whether she cares or not. If not, you're probably better off without her in your life. But it may cause her to not take you for granted and see how inappropriately she has treated you.
The older I get, the more I realize how my mother simply does not see past the end of her own nose. And it's only getting worse. She's very dominant and she doesn't take well to anyone challenging her.
She just doesn't "get it", never has. But I agree that this is not a healthy influence to have in my life, regardless.
Growing up, my mother never wanted to deal with the nitty-gritty details of my life. She only wanted to deal with me in a detached way, and only wanted to hear that I was perfect and that everything was going great in my life. If I had a problem, I could not approach her with it because she refused to listen and would deny the existence of the problem. I was basically left to fend for myself as early as four years old. I learned that my needs and my reality were simply not important to her.
I live in another state now and am completely self-sufficient, successful, etc, but still she takes no interest in my life. Every now and then she'll text me, almost like she's checking to see if I'm still alive or something, but she doesn't ask me about what's going on in my life at all. It's like she doesn't want to acknowledge that I AM A REAL PERSON and I HAVE A LIFE that deserves to be recognized. Everything is still all about her.
Sometimes I get the feeling that it PAINS her to acknowledge me. Like it's too difficult for her to step out of her self-centered existence to take a genuine interest in her daughter.
It usually doesn't get to me, because it's what I have known my whole life, but today we talked on the phone briefly to discuss a family situation and I wanted to reach through the phone and wring her neck. I just moved to a new location and got a new job and there was NO mention of that. NO questions about what's going on in my life, who I'm dating, how I even AM. And I got off the phone feeling like that same worthless child who isn't allowed to have needs. Isn't allowed to exist at all.
My heart goes out to you because your mother sounds the narcissistic mother who raised me. People raised by mothers like ours can end up with terrible self esteem issues and feel as though their role in life is just to be Mom's doormat. I never got any validation from my mom when I was growing up. My problems were ignored and swept under the carpet, but boy, were my Mom's issues ever important. If she broke a nail it was a major catastrophe, but if I got my ankle caught in the spokes of my bike and ended up with a fracture, I was supposed to put some linament on it and shut up. I quickly learned that my role in life was to be my mother's caretaker - a role I took on around age 4 - not the other way around.
I was in therapy for years trying to undo the damage of my childhood. I remember one therapist telling me very strongly that I would be better off "divorcing" my mom. As an adult, I still couldn't please her, I couldn't turn to her for sympathy or understanding and my every inter-action with her left me feeling diminished. I ended up putting two mountain ranges and 400 miles between me and my Mom. If I could have moved to Mars to get away from her, I would have.
Your mother is not going to change anymore than mine did. It's very hard to accept, but some people - mothers included - are simply incapable of caring about anyone but themselves. Give up this terribly sad attempt to get your mother to respond to you as she never did when you were a child and has never done since you've become an adult. "Divorce" her and keep contact at an absolute minimum. You'll be far happier in the long run.
She calls you simply to have an audience. Don't be one.
And, yeah, it will get worse with her, as she gets older.
I had a long talk with my brother about our mother yesterday. He is still angry about how she is, but I got past the "mad" a long time ago and realized that we just drew the short straws, when it came to mothers. She is toxic - just avoid her entirely. He doesn't answer when he sees she is calling - but it makes him angry. I just shrug and don't answer. No anger - nothing.
On the other hand, I have two friends that are bad about calling and want a one-sided conversation (where I am the audience) - they will talk incessantly about their life and never ask about you. One of those people is actually a nice person, who only does this occasionally. It only takes me saying "I'm great, BTW. Thanks for asking" (when it has been one of those conversations). She immediately apologizes and rectifies. The other one never gets it - so I usually do not pick up when she calls. Try doing that and see how your mother reacts (but I don't hold out any hope that she will be like friend #1). The easiest thing is to do like Rambler suggested - just divorce her. All people in your life should add something positive. If they don't, cut them loose. Life is too short to put up with them.
Google "narcissistic mothers". I had one growing up, and they are exactly like you describe your mom. They honestly don't "get" that other people have feelings and needs. They have zero empathy. It's all about them. Glad to see you are successful and doing well....enjoy it.
I agree that she is narcissistic. It's just becoming more glaringly obvious as I get older and healthier. So things that didn't used to get to me are really getting to me now. In the past, I would just accept that her wants and needs were more important than mine, I would shut up and leave it at that. Now I'm like, hell no, you do NOT disrespect me like that. I'm finally getting angry fr myself, which is a really good thing.
I am going to have to confront her on this. I know that I shouldn't expect anything to come out of it, but if I don't stand up for myself I will feel like an idiot. I doubt she's even capable of owning her behavior, but I have to fight back.
Is it any consolation that this is not about you and everything about her?
There is nothing worthless about you...flip that...she is the one who feels worthless and demonstrates her feelings about her parenthood. She wasn't up for it. You will probably never really know why she was SO completely emotionally unavailable, but you can rest assured the seeds were planted long before you were born.
There is something to be said for telling her how she makes you feel, but it is unlikely you will get much satisfaction from it! More likely you will have to set boundaries for contact and interaction and it ultimately might end in no contact at all.
I agree that she is narcissistic. It's just becoming more glaringly obvious as I get older and healthier. So things that didn't used to get to me are really getting to me now. In the past, I would just accept that her wants and needs were more important than mine, I would shut up and leave it at that. Now I'm like, hell no, you do NOT disrespect me like that. I'm finally getting angry fr myself, which is a really good thing.
I am going to have to confront her on this. I know that I shouldn't expect anything to come out of it, but if I don't stand up for myself I will feel like an idiot. I doubt she's even capable of owning her behavior, but I have to fight back.
I think you have to go through a "mad". Just don't get stuck there, like my brother (he's totally justified, but it hurts him). He will call every once in a while to talk about her - and I think my indifference to her is helping him get to that same place.
It doesn't help to confront. Tried that. She is amazing adept at re-writing history and clinging to it even if confronted with evidence. I did feel good when I finally severed it for good by telling her she would never measure up to a decent human being and she was forever cut off. It hasn't helped her behavior, from what I have been told - but I no longer am affected by it. Hope my brother gets there soon.
the upside is you know exactly who/what she is,,,,dont expect her to change,,
back off, be respectful, ,and keep the distance,,,
the people i dont care for- the users and self centered folks- i back off, give them a comical nickname, and keep distance...
i dont have to play the cards they deal...
its as simple as that..
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