How to help grieving friend

[seain dublin]

Originally Posted by Flamingo13

Excellent post - sometimes people don't realize that a shoulder and help would be most appreciated - I went (and am still going through this after my husband died) - people want to know that someone cares!

Thanks. You're exactly right, ask the person who suffered the loss how you can help.

Originally Posted by WorldKlas

I spent over a month in my mother's house getting rid of decades of stuff, getting it treated for termites and rats, while my family continued on with life 1500 miles away. Luckily I had my dog and car with me for a bit of company and a way to get around.

Its a bit overwhelming getting rid of mountains of stuff -- sifting through everything, selling some things on Craigslist, donating items, and mostly trashing stuff! I don't know how I would have survived without a car.

He needs wheels. A car, a moped, or at least a bike! Can't he possibly sell at least $1500 worth of stuff and buy some wheels?

Not a good idea.

Sounds like John came from another state to take care of his late mother's house.

A vehicle needs to be registered and insured. Even an old beater.

The idea is to help simplify the situation, not make it more complicated.

Best solution if possible loan him a car to get around in.

[jayden22]

Tell him to go to therapy or a grieving group.

[elliedeee]

Originally Posted by eastmemphisguy

John (not his real name) and I have been friends since childhood. We're now guys in our early 30s. He was an only child and his Dad was never in the picture, so it was always just him and his mom. Several years ago, he and his wife moved a few hours away, and I hadn't seen him in quite a while until his mother passed away suddenly about a month ago. There was the usual outpouring of support from distant family and friends for several days, but that time has passed. His wife is several months from completing her PhD program, so she has returned to school (a few hours away), where they were living. She also has the car that they were sharing. He has remained here, in his mother's home to settle affairs and clean up the property. She, apparantly, was a "collector" and there is a lot to sort through. So, he's now alone, in his dead mother's home, where he grew up, surrounded by her belongings, without his wife, without a paying job, without even a car to get around (not a particularly walkable neighborhood). So he calls me. A lot. And it's like when we were 20 years old. Drinking. Etc. Which, at this point in my life, would be fun every now and then. But I can't do this multiple times a week. I have a full time job and responsibilities like most 30 something people. I'm getting exhausted from working all day and trying to be available for him. I'm open to all advice about how to handle this. John's a good guy in a bad place, and it's good to see him despite the circumstances, but he's not the best at getting his life together, even in better times.

I was going to say just be there when you could to listen but then I got to the part of your post that I bolded. It doesn't sound like he's grieving as much as he's bored and looking to play while the cat's away. I know people grieve in their own way and going out drinking and Etc. whatever that means.... may be his way of dealing with him mom's death but that's not really helping him. He needs to get his act together and go home. Can you help him clean out his mom's house? Or suggest he hire someone to help? He also needs a car so he's not dependent on you.

But the main thing is you have to put your foot down and tell him you can't be going out partying all the time because you've got responsibilities. At this point I don't think you're helping him. I think you're just enabling him to avoid doing what he's got to do.